I hate religion right now.
I hate God.
I hate trust.
I hate love.
I hate everything that's supposed to be good.

I hate being dependent.
I hate being weak.
I hate being a part of something.
I hate wanting to stop when running away.

I don't want to forgive people. I don't want to move on. I can't fucking do it.
That girl was a bitch. And I can't ever move on because I know exactly how I felt when she did something bitchy and if I ever think about it the same exact shitty feeling comes back. So as long as I feel the feeling- I can't move past it.

Same with that bitch of a girl and boy. Fuck them. I know I can choose and make my own decisions and I allow myself to feel these ways- but fuck them. I would never feel these things on my own, I know it. I would never hate someone so much on my own. Not without comparing them to those two original mother fuckers. I fucking hate what they did to me. I don't care what lesson I "learned". I hate people now. And that's my decision. That's what I've decided. They all hurt you. They all pick someone else. They all get tired and leave.

I hate these dark spells.
I hate when I let myself feel.
I hate being with people.
I hate pretending I deserve more.

Crimson Bitch

Wednesday I got my period. I don't think any one especially likes that time of the the month. I feel like I used to be super good and chill about it but lately it's just been a total mess- I've been a total mess. I feel like it's gotten progressively worse and I'm seriously (not seriously) thinking about birth control. Anyways, Wednesday I got my period.

My boyfriend has always been incredible to me. He's always taken care of me from the start when I let him, and Wednesday wasn't any different. He had lots of other things on his plate that day and he still got to the store to call me and ask if I meant super or regular tampons and which chocolate candy he should bring me home. Literally I struck gold with this kid. I'm not allowed to ever forget it.

Anyways long story short he came into my room Wednesday night with pills, chocolate, starbursts, tampons, pads, water, the works while I was literally shoving my face into the mattress watching Gossip Girl (which for the record is crap but I can't seem to stop).
He gives me pills, put everything away, hands me a water bottle and literally force feeds me chocolate and the whole time I'm struggling to breathe normally because of how much pain I'm in. To be honest I just wanted to cry and watch Gossip Girl by myself but he stayed and cuddled with me. I was back and forth between crying hysterically or just punching the wall or not breathing at all it was like a bad deleted scene from The Shining.

 Anyways, He stays next to me through the whole thing. Tucking my hair behind my ear, kissing my cheek or just holding my head up.  I'm being insane and he's literally stoking my back telling me he loves me. I kept on thinking of how awful and long that night ahead of me was going to be until- I can't remember which one of us started it, but we basically started singing love songs to each other. He told me I needed a distraction from the pain (he was and will ALWAYS be right) so he started singing.

Some was our Beatles song that a friend of ours showed us. Lots of it was Louis Armstrong and Elle Fitzgerald. Some of it was Paul McCartney. We just laid in my bed. I'm disgusting, he's flawless. Our heads pressed together close, he's playing with my hair or stroking my face and we take turns singing to each other. Gah I've never been so close to someone like how I am with him. It's incredible. One moment I'm trying to bruise my knuckles and the next he's got me singing La Vie En Rose to him literally meaning every word I say as our eyes get all glassy and we stare intensely at each other. AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP IN HIS ARMS. Peacefully and willingly. I slept through the whole night. Granted I woke up pissed that he wasn't there but that's just my crimson river talking. Man I love my boyfriend. I love my best friend.

my pillow smells like him.

I get mad. Like furious. I didn't used to do that. I don't like it. I don't know myself.

5/24/15 Imperial Beach, California

I had a terrible dream last night- I don't even want to try and write it down because I don't want to remember it ever again.

I woke up this morning feeling the tiniest bit of sand at my feet. I spread out on the huge white bed and heard his breathing in the loft above me.

I can't believe I'm here.

Last night when we arrived everyone was tired and hungry- moods were going. But I could not for the life of me contain my excitement to see the sea again. After we ate I changed into my suit and dress and we went out to the shore line. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to dig my toes into the sand. My heart was bursting. I ran into the water as soon as I deemed appropriate throwing my body at the waves. I fell hard multiple times but the sting of salt on pink flesh only seemed more inviting. He came in after me, freezing and uncomfortable, he came in and grabbed my arm. I tried to pull him down into the cool water but he was too strong. He rose me up and kissed me hard. Salt and sand binding our lips together. That moment I think I'll remember forever.

It felt like a movie- but better. I was getting pushed by the waves, he was freezing, we were struggling to stay still but we managed a kiss. It tasted like a pillar of salt crashing down on me, and behind the pillar his lips. Gah- I couldn't believe it was happening. I don't like cliche saying or moments, but as soon as my lips left his I thought immediately,
" In this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

And we were. Standing there beside him, waves crashing against out legs, suits pressed tight & wet against our bodies. We found each other in the dark, we held each other so tight. Salt water made us sticky but that only helped us stay closer. Gah- that moment I think I'll remember forever.

After we walked to the pier to meet his family. I've never been happier than when I'm with them. Then when I'm with him, then when I'm at the sea. My heart was full- and still is now. I never want it to end. But when it does I'll remember it with such love.

also I can't wait to go to the zoo tomorrow.

neon

A vial of hope and a vial of pain
In the light they both looked the same
Poured them out on into the world
On every boy and every girl

It's in the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right

Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
What I know is what you know is right
In the city it's the only light
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right

Oh God! Well look at you now!
Oh! You lost it, but you don't know how!
In the light of a golden calf
Oh God! I had to laugh!

Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
It was wrong but you said it was right
In the future I will read at night

It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is true

if i could have it back

I've felt very torn about too many things lately. When I'm alone I feel as though my skull is going to burst at the seems with everything piling up in my head.
-Too much isn't being said to people that need to hear it.
-In my head I'm moving past it.
-In my dreams I'm screaming.
At night I feel myself changing. I'm more passionate, more emotional, more cross. Last night I started crying when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. I think he thought I was upset with him. I didn't know how to tell him that I was grateful, that I adored him. I just felt a lump in my throat and I didn't know how to tell him that my sudden frustration had nothing to do with him, or our relationship.

-I'm so confused,  I thought we had put it behind us, but nothing seems to feel resolved.
I'm getting upset all the time. I want to be excited, I do. But I feel stupid. I feel wronged. I feel like people are going around with smiles plastered on whispering awful things underneath. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just know if I was being ridiculous, if I was blowing it out of proportion. But I can't shake it off.

-Was it really never that good?
-Was I that easy to be replaced?
-I feel it most nights
-I feel it every time I close my eyes

I thought I was being myself. I thought I was taking care of mine. They were mine. I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I thought I did something for them. But when we're all together I feel like shit. Suddenly guns and knives are being pulled out. Maybe it's confidence, maybe it's self worth- but maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's self loathing. I never feel safe around them anymore. I don't even have to be near them to feel that way. All of these juvenile things are being glamorized, and it feels like it's only to make me feel upset or uncomfortable.

-We were never like that.
-We never had to prove to anyone that we were having a good time, or that we loved each other.
-We already knew it in our hearts.
We knew that we were different, that we were special, and beautiful, and strong. We had were moments that only we were there for. Only we could share them with each other. Maybe through pictures, maybe through dresses or shoes, or songs but mainly through our selves, and our feelings. But now it feels like they're having new moments -which is inevitable and natural and good- but they have to throw them in my face.
All of them.
Everyday.
It's not private- well I'm sure some of it is- but it's in my face.

-I'm sure they've changed.
-I've changed.
-It's inevitable and natural and good.
If the relationships are fading and dying then so be it. But if we're just coasting by, pretending everything is good when it's not- then so help me, I can feel hell preparing to break loose. I don't like feeling hostile. I don't like feeding contention. I don't like what I'm feeling. But I think of them and I'm not happy anymore. I feel colder. I see them standing on the opposite shore. They're living their lives, I'm living mine, but I see walls going up. And I'm getting bored watching them go up, and I'm getting upset that I'm bored. I know they'll come down. But that's not very comforting either, because I feel like they'll come down and it'll turn out it mean't nothing at all.

 I guess I just don't understand. I don't know much of what's going on, but I know that I was a friend, and it wasn't enough. I didn't want or need it to be glamorized how it is now. But I at least just wanted to feel safe, and appreciated. I wanted to be supported. I thought I was able to give those things but I could have been wrong.
I just feel stupid all the time. And I feel way worse then I know I should.
-I feel abused.
-I feel tampered.
-I just want to be strong.
-I just want to be hard.

And the worst part of it all is I can't tell him all of this. I mean I try to, but it won't come out. Not properly anyways. Maybe he already knows, but I can't keep these awful feelings away from him. He sits there and lets me loose. He listens, he holds me -when I let him- he's the one that picks me up when it gets ugly. He's the one that see's all this shit now. The bi-polar, the random sobbing. He's the one that tells me I'm not broken. He's the one that forces it out of my system.
-But he hasn't hurt me.
-He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way.
-And still, he's the one at the end of the day, kissing my forehead, saying he's sorry.

It's not fair.
I hate them right now and I hate that he has to deal with it.
But I hate myself even more for hating them, and for putting him through that.

darcy

Did you know there are more nerve endings in your lips then there are in your genitals? I don't know if that's completely true. I read it in cosmopolitan. I kind of hope it is though because I just had the most wonderful goodnight make out with my boyfriend. I know how that sounds. I know that's annoying if you're single and reading this. But I just can't stop thinking about how grateful I am to have him. I'm not going to sit here and write about how he's the greatest boyfriend in the world, because 1: I've already done that, and 2: that's impossible. He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. I'm trying to keep from being that girl that only posts about her boyfriend, but seeing as this is my blog and anyone who reads this has the agency to not, I'm just going to go ahead and write it anyway. 

The only way I can feel to properly describe being with him is the final scene of Pride & Prejudice 2005. Not the American alternate ending- though I do feel as though that would depict the feeling as well..

It's surreal.

 The feeling is like nothing else. 

And it's every time I'm about to leave him and he leans in to kiss me. 

When I see him for the first time of the day, he might as well be wearing a trench coat walking through a fogged meadow. My heart is full and my palms get sweaty. I get excited, and anxious, I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face. I resist the urge to look way- all the while giving into the urge to stare at him. I won't deny it, I've done the whole, "your hands are cold." *kisses hands while staring into eyes lovingly* bit. And ladies is works like a charm, literally. Being that close to someone else's face. Wanting to be that close to someone else, because believe me, it's hard for me to get this close to someone let alone want to be that close to their FACE. 

It's surreal. 

He'll kiss me, so intensely, so perfectly. He'll lean his head softly against mine. He'll graze my lips with the tip of his thumb right before I feel his lips softly brush mine. He does the whole tuck my hair behind my ear, he does the whole hold my face in his hands. It's perfection. For a moment in time when we're together, nothing is impossible. Nothing is difficult, nothing is broken. For the moment that he has me in his arms, I am at complete peace with what is to come. And the moment I leave him, I start praying for the hours to go by swiftly until I get to see him again. 

He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. He's my Mr. Darcy. Every time I'm with him, my heart sings. I smile more, I laugh more, I believe in myself more. I'm not sure if that's what Darcy was for Elizabeth, but that's what my boyfriend is for me. The kiss with the sun in-between your faces, that's what my boyfriend is for me. He's the greatest person in the world, for me.

 I didn't know you could love someone so much. 

It's surreal.

Someone else is playing the guitar. And this morning I heard the harmonica playing hymns. I feel so stupid with an empty bass case. 

tender mercies

One of my new roommates is a piano major. I am so incredibly happy right now. She's playing in the living room and somehow it helps me feel okay with it being 1:49pm and me still being in bed. 

come away with me

The other night I felt like shit.

I can't remember why, maybe it was the money thing, or the family thing. 

I had a really high high, then I had a crazy low- so fast. 

Anyways- I felt like shit.

He called me and told me he was picking me up. 

He didn't ask- he told me. 

  I love it when he does that. 

  I know there's a fine line- and I can't imagine how confusing it would be to see it, but I love when he's forward and demanding like that. Don't get me wrong, I love how considerate and sensitive he is, always mindful of how I feel. But sometimes he has these moments of just heated demanding. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. 

He comes to get me, we're driving around, and I can tell he feels like shit too. 

He's frustrated and I'm frustrated, our conversation is brief. 

Then he's asking me to go with him. 

Then he's headed to the freeway. 

All in a matter of 5 minutes or so of hearing my answer he starts heading North. 

It happened a couple days ago but I just started thinking about it again just now. 

I found it so interesting and comforting how that played out. 

Both of us were frustrated. 

Both of us were irritated from things that were independent from each other. 

And we both just gravitated towards each other. 

-I'm leaving and I want you to come away with me. 

-Okay let's go. Where ever you want. 

We talked about some of it, we were quiet for some of it. 

Most of the time we just held each other. 

Most of the time we just got as close as we possibly could. 

And that was enough. That was more than enough to help me do something the next day. 

When I felt like shit- I just wanted to be in his arms. 

When he felt like shit- he came to me too. 

I know I could be speaking out of turn. 

I could be assuming a lot. 

But that's exactly what it felt like. 

And for me personally that's a big deal. 

I like being alone, I like thinking to myself. 

But lately it's been awful. 

When I'm alone for too long, I don't reflect, I just get depressed. 

When things get hard, I'd get alone, and I'd get depressed. 

But now I go to him, it's hard & I'm stubborn as hell but I go to him. 

I'll go to him, and he'll come to me. 

1/15/15

I've never seen so many boys in kakis as when I'm at school
It so weird when you see a cute boy that you keep making eye contact with
But then you get up to go or he does, and that's it.

You never think twice about that cute kid on the 3rd floor of the library
Because an eye exchange means nothing.

Lately I've felt like I've been on holiday still.
I'm tired all the time.
I don't want to start my day 'til late afternoon.
I'm sleeping in a rented room
I feel like I have somewhere else to return to
I feel like someone's waiting for me somewhere else.

I wish I could go through life with my eyes closed.
I wish I didn't wish that.
I wish I'd stop missing someone I haven't met.

1/17/15

Do you ever think about why you know the people you know?

 -or how you know the people you know? 

Sometimes I see things that people do and I feel sick. 

I feel ashamed to walk on the ground. 

I feel ashamed to breath in the air. 

I feel ashamed to sleep at night. 

Other times, I look at my friends, at the people that I love, and I fear my heart is going to explode. 

I want to parade these people so the world can see them.

I want to make movies or write books or sing songs to broadcast their importance. 

I want to share them with others so that they might feel their radiance. 

I love people. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes, and we'll always stay that way. 

2/16/15

I'm not good at letting things go unsettled.
That used to always be my approach. I didn't like to hear my parents fight, so I'd always be passive. I'd let people win to avoid arguments. I'm not sure what it was that made me change, but I don't do that anymore.
I can't do that anymore.
People always tell me to let it go.
To dismiss it.
But I just can't.
Maybe I'm just ignorant.
Maybe I'm just naive.
But what does that matter- aren't we all?

Sometimes I lose control.
It goes too deep, & I can't find the core of the problem.
That's the most frustrating.
When you don't find the solution, the compromise, the conclusion.
What's the point then? Why bother when I'm just going to become my parents?

The point is this: Shut. Up.
Shut. Up.
Quit talking.
Quit focusing on how you're going to convince others to see where you're coming from.
Quit telling yourself that you're going through a stage.
Quit giving excuses for why you haven't started changing the way you wanted to.
Lying to yourself. Lying to people you love. Lecturing your friends, blaming others for your problems. Pretending you don't care. Refusing to look weak. Avoiding confrontation. Ignoring mirrors.

Sometimes when it's too much I stand in the bathroom.
When I'm too much I have to be alone.
I have to stop talking.
I stare at myself for how ever long it takes.
I'll get close, get far away, but it's just me.

"what are you doing?"
"could you have possibly hurt someone?"
"what do you want to do?"
"what are you feeling?"
"how did you handle that?"
"are you being yourself?"
"did you do that for someone else?"
"who are you?"
"who do you want to be?"
"why are you doing this?"

Maybe I reflect too much. Maybe I don't reflect enough.
All I know is this: I am one person. & I'm choosing to love that person.

HIM

Ahhhhhhh. My heart is racing. Literally feels like it's beating a million miles an hour. Every time- every single time we kiss- gahhhhhhh. It's like it's the first time all over again. His lips are the most incredible things mine have ever touched.
So that's disgusting- so you're uncomfortable- so what.
He's the greatest thing I've ever had the privilege to love.

Gah- some friends of mine just left back to their hometowns to serve missions for the church.
I thought I was fine up until the moment I said goodbye & one of my friends said, "next time I see you, we'll be 21." That's when I lost it, that's when the tears started flowing & it clicked that a person I had grown to love so much in such a short amount of time was leaving me. Not forever- but for a moment, and that just killed me.

I feel that same thing with him.
But it's every night.
It's every time we pull up to my house.
It's every time I get on the train southbound.
It's every time He tells me he loves me, and wishes me a good nights rest.
It's every time he leaves the room.
It's every time I go to class.
It's every time I wake up or go to sleep.
It's every time I do anything and he's not there.

Every time he leaves, gah, I can feel it so strongly that a part of me leaves with him.
I know how that sounds, I know it's cliche, gah but that's the closest thing I can think of to describe it. I feel myself disconnect.
And I don't feel whole or complete until he's back again.
I can't think about it too hard because I feel my throat get tight, and my eyes get watery.

As soon as he's gone, I feel the temperature drop.
In the room.
In my body.
Everything experiences a loss the moment he's gone.
But as soon as he comes back.
Gahh- it's unreal.
Every time it's the same.
Just a text, or a phone call & I can't help but get nervous, or excited.
Every time I see him again my heart beats a little faster, & each time he touches me- a hand hold, as kiss, a hug, anything- I get goosebumps.
Literally, every time.
It's only been like 4 months maybe, 5 if you include the month all hell broke loose.
Less than a year has gone by, and I feel like I've found myself in someone else.

We had diner with his parents. Just the four of us. I was scared at first, I always get a little scared. Maybe I'm just insecure or intimidated or something. But it was good. It was fun. It was casual. It was easy. His mom and I shared ravioli. His dad told us about his prom date in high school. It seemed effortless. She talked about how cute our kids would be. We stayed up on the patio watching a leak get fixed.

Sometimes I can't believe how good it is.
I can't believe how happy everyone is.
I can't believe I can be a part of it.
It's hard to be happy lately it feels like.
But as soon as I'm with him- as soon as I'm in that home, being with him and his family I get so happy I feel as though I might burst.

I hate to be that girl that just goes on and on about her boyfriend.
But I'm going to be that girl because I have every reason in the world right now to be exactly like that girl.
I love him so much.
More than anything I've ever known.
I've grown and continue to grow constantly because of him.
I don't know many things, but I know that he makes me want to be better.
I know that with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I know that I don't want to picture a life that he's not a part of.
I know he makes my heart race- my skin tingle.
I know it hurts to leave him.
And I know I love him, more than anything I've ever known.

I start a new job Monday. I'm terrified.

There's a feeling you get when you're so ridiculously close to someone.
-Maybe it's when you spoon for too long, but it feels like you're so close to another independent being that you start to get in sync.
I swear- body temperatures feel like they cancel each other out & you reach equilibrium.
One moment you're both breathing hard, & the next you're holding him so close that you lose the sound of your heart beat under his.
It's impossible to write down the things that surface when you're that close to someone.
It's not even fair to try explain how he makes me feel.

I've never felt this before.
- That's what everyone says, but it's true.
I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable being vulnerable to another person.
I can't say that I'm not afraid- That would just be a bold face lie.
I can't say that I don't have my insecurities, because that's literally impossible.
But I feel more alive in a way.

I'm not sure how to word it, it's simple in my head but as soon as I try to match it with words it's too much, it's not enough.
I feel more real. I feel more emotional, I feel more aware.
The pain is more intense. Much more than anything else I've ever felt.
But the joy, & happiness, & satisfaction of being with someone so- real, so grounded & put together- it's indescribable.

we had already talked- said things about it.
we had already spoken of things we'd do- how we'd do it.
but today I saw that a friend of mine got engaged.
she's my age, she started same time I did.
and now she's preparing to start forever with someone she loves.
everyone here talks about how wrong that is.
I used to talk about how wrong that is.
to do it that fast,
to do it so young.

it is fast,
it is young.
but I think I see it now.
four months ago I wouldn't even acknowledge my feelings.
I couldn't let myself see him like that.
but now I can't stop telling him how I feel
and now he's talking to me about kids- our kids.
he's asking me for ring sizes, asking me my favorite stone.

maybe I should be scared
maybe I should feel strange.
but I don't.
I don't want anything other than him forever.
I think I see it now.
maybe I'm just hormonal
maybe I'm just stupid
but I know he's the one.

he said he'd get down on one knee for me
and then he did
my heart stopped for a second.
not because I was scared
but because it felt right
even joking, it felt so incredibly right.

there's still so much more time that needs to pass,
there's still so much more work to be done.
and I'll do it- gladly.
he's the one, I know it now.
I can't believe myself- how sure I am about this.
but I just look at him and there's no question.

it's fast.
we're young.
but I've found him.

what is this?

Why does it feel so good to have someone?
The time before this it felt like I needed someone.
Like I was asking for someone and they heard me call.
But this time- I mean, don't remember asking. . .

Maybe that's why it went smoother.
Maybe that's why it was so much easier.
Maybe that's why I fell so fast.

I don't remember feeling the need to impress.
Of course I get embarrassed sometimes- we all do, regardless of how confident we are.
But I don't remember wanting someone- really wanting someone.
I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling.

I just feel whole now, even though I don't necessarily remember thinking I was incomplete.
I think it's one of those things were God let's you have what you think you need.
Then later, he lets you have what He knows you need whether you know it or not.

It's still hard I guess, to open up completely.
That'll take more time to change I think.
But I feel I'm in a much better place than before.
I don't feel the need to open up completely quite yet; I don't need to share scary stuff.

Both times I feel like I was trying my hardest though.
I feel like I was giving my all.
So it was more of a tender mercy.

But the first time, I was selfish.
I asked for something and God gave it to me, and I screwed it up.
And I think that was the point; I didn't know what I wanted.

I'm not saying I know anything now really.
It's just that I feel different- bigger now.
More is expected- less is expected.
I need to be my own person, I need to compromise.
To be honest, to be real.

This morning we had breakfast.
I could just sit next to him in silence for hours, his hand on my knee.
His eyes make my heart stop, every time.
His hands are so sure, so aware and tender.

My stomach does flips if I think about it too much.
When he's not here I feel the absence of a part of myself I gave him.
And when he's here I feel peace, and entire.
I'm not sure how this is possible, I'm not sure why it's happening.
Still, I don't really care.
He holds me and I'm safe.
I felt that once before, but this is greater..

This is greater,
This is clearer, 
This is more.
This- is right. 

********

I was born to endure this kind of weather

****************

****************

And I thought it all over too many times

*********

I'm not going quietly. That's not my thing. I don't dig it. It's not okay.
You screw me over? I'll mess you sh*tless. That's how it used to be.

Sometimes that's how I want it still.
But I think I know better now.
I'm not weak, or giving in.
I just know better now.

I'm going to fight, that'll never change.
For what I love, for what's right, for what's real.
That'll never change.

Who I fight, who I face, that's constantly changing.
How I'm fighting, how I attack, that'll never be constant.

But for You, I'll fight, I'll wait, I'll adapt;
Come hell or high water to make you constant.
To make it right, to make it real, to let you know I love you, that'll never change.

You can fight me.
You can offend me.
You can mess me sh*tless.

I'll be frustrated.
I'll be hurt.
I'll need my time- but I won't stop fighting.

Because I'm not going quietly. That's not my thing. I don't dig it. It's not okay.
You screw me over? I'll let you know I haven't changed.

"can I call you for like 2 seconds?"

4 hours & 31 minutes

we talked for 4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were quiet for 4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were laughing for 4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were saying "I love you," for 4 hours & 31 minutes

we were saying "just come over," for  4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were being cute, dumb, smart, gross, for 4 hours & 31 minutes.


I cried for a second.

I smiled for a minute.

I missed him for hours.

24 hours & still counting the seconds.

I don't have my book with me, but I have to write it down for my own sake.
So if anyone actually reads this stuff you'll just have to buckle down & bare with me.

Jan 21.
Held hands.
Jan 22.
Talk.
Jan 28. 
Kissed.
Jan 29. 
"I love you"
Jan 30.
The lake.
Jan 31. 
Sushi date w/A&C

I CAN'T
BELIEVE
ANY OF THIS
IS REAL.

It's fast.
No one needs to tell me that.
I know it.
It's so fast.

It's easy.
I feel like it's someone I've known for a really long time.
Even though that's not the case, that's how I feel.
It's easy to feel safe.
It's easy to feel confident, about my feelings, about his.

It's weird.
I thought I'd at least be scared at first.
I thought I'd feel something holding me back.
That's what always happens.
I'd feel anxious.
I'd want to run.
I'd start to cry.

But this was completely different.
I feel strong.
I feel confident.
I don't have to watch him, or take care of him, or make sure he's okay.
It doesn't matter.
He is him, and I am her.
It feels like two individuals, being independent, but in sync.

I feel so positive and happy with him.
It's strange. I can't do it justice, the words won't come.
It just feels so much better than before.
It feels so right.

I don't feel wounded.
I don't feel dependent.
I don't feel pitied.

I feel appreciated.
I feel respected.
I feel bold.

I'm happy.
I'm not expecting anything.
I'm not planning anything.
I'm just happy.

hiding

I feel fine.
Just now- just barely- they cut again.
But I feel fine.

I feel a little scared, a little stupid, a little frustrated.
I cried hard, but not for long- so that's good.
That's really good.

I want to say something- but I'm not going to.
It's not going to be like that this time.
This time it's going to be different.
It's already very different.
So I intend to keep it that way.

I deserve this.
I'm not going to stand in my own way.
I'm not going to let them stand in my way.
-with reason I mean.

Anyways..
Everyone is hurting right now.
Everyone I love is hurting.
I've been so used to doing things about it.
But I just want to hide now.

I know it's not good.
I know it's not productive.
-but it's not painful.
and I know I'm alright with that for now.

"Tomorrow I'll be faster.
I'll catch what I've been chasing after & have time to play.
But I'm quite alright hiding today."

come what may.

"And you know that she's half crazy but that's why you wanna be there,
And she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China,
And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her,
Then she gets you on her wavelength and she lets the river answer,
That you've always been her lover."

"And you want to travel with her,
And you want to travel blind,
And you know that she will trust you,
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind."

I think distance is key to any relationship. 
I think I need to leave- really leave for a while. 
I think I should go off the grid. 
I think I'll do just that. 
I'm going off the grid. 

f*cking mascara & f*cking lipstick

there's f*cking mascara on my keyboard.

I'm so pissed this is making me this mad. 

I'm really weird and stupid when it comes to money. 

I don't like to spend it- rather I don't like the idea of spending it. 

I don' t know- the point is I don't like money. 

but I feel justified when I'm spending on good quality things. 

-god damn. I don't have the patience to explain it all. 

my mom is such a bitch sometimes. 

I hate that I call her that. 

I hate that I let myself feel this way towards her. 

But I'm just so f*cking pissed right now. 

I spent $30 on lipstick.

I know that's stupid. 

I know I can't afford it. 

I know I'm an idiot. 

But it was my money- and I wanted do, and it's done with now so whatever. 

But she asks for lipstick. 

My mom. 

I don't want to give her any. 

I'm pretty resistant to do anything for people in my family. 

They just have a way of literally ruining anything and everything. 

Anyways I fight this urge and give her the damn lipstick.

and I literally get it back with teeth marks all over it. 

God this is so stupid that it's making me this mad. 

And I know I sound like a stupid bitch whining about lipstick. 

God I feel so pretentious. 

But in all seriousness it's not about the f*cking lipstick. 

it's the fact that when I come to her asking for an explanation she has some dumb ass excuse about testing over bites or some shit- and to be honest I don't give a damn about what she has to say because all I can see is $30 going down the f*cking drain. 

I know it's just lipstick. I f*cking know. It's JUST lipstick. 

But God. I can't f*cking get over the fact that I'm never allowed to be upset. 

As soon as I start talking she's freaking at me. 

"you have a devil's spirit in you."

"all the neighbors know what type of spirit you have." 

"you can't afford to act this way."

GAHHH. WHAT THE F*CK. 

You're the one that ruined My stuff. Remember? 

I'm allowed to be pissed if I so f*cking feel the desire. 

You didn't spend shit on it so of course you don't give a f*cking damn. 

But no- when it comes to something bigger then you're ready to put your shitty hands all over it. 

Remember how you didn't pay a f*cking cent for me to go to college? 

Remember how you'd make me pay for half of the bill in high school? 

Remember how it had to come out of my pocket if I ever wanted to play sports or an instrument? 

Remember how I had to spend my money on groceries for your gluttonous pricks? 

Remember how I was the one working my ass off in school to help you make sure the water was still running in the house? 

God damn, and now that I'm kind of on my feet your asking me for favors. 

& You giving me shit for getting a C in biology because you "worked so hard to get me to college." 

You didn't lift a damn finger to help me get here. 

I'm so tired of hearing that shit. 

I got to school in spite of you. 

Striving to be what you weren't is what got me here. 

And now that I'm f*cking here you use me as your trophy wife. 

It doesn't matter if I've done better or more than you ever did. 

All you've ever known is shit. 

Even if I've risen above it. 

That's all you'll ever see me as. 

I think that's what I'm seeing. 

I can buy new clothes. 

I can go to a good school. 

I can move out. 

I can travel. 

I can develop talents. 

But you don't give a shit. 

And I'm the one that ends up alone crying over "lipstick" 

I don't even know what I'm f*cking saying. 

I'm just sick of how you still manage to make me look like the idiot.

I'm not crying over f*cking lipstick. 

I'm crying because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. 

I'm crying because I still let it bother me when you disappoint. 

I'm crying because I refrain from doing things because I worry how it'll effect you. 

I'm crying because I had to become the adult to take care of you. 

& I'm crying because you're completely okay with that. 

bob, bon, chris, jack

I'm crying. Literally over the weirdest memories.

My *sister is in another part of town.
Further south.
She & I are reminiscing.

So strange what a few songs can do to someone.
We listen at the same time and just cry.
I can't hold her, or wipe away her tears- but I can feel her.
A picture every now and then.
It's all too real.

I'm crying with someone, that's not even here.
I don't know who I'm crying for, if I'm crying for anyone.
I just wanna cry, you know?
Do you ever just want to cry?
Like a cleansing.
Something like that, I don't know.

Another song.
Another picture.
Another feeling.

Someone's hair is moving in the wind.
Someone's breath is getting shorter.
Someone's heart is racing.

I don't remember what you feel like.
I don't remember how we loved.


I'm so happy I don't remember. .


Sobbing like an idiot.
I'm so happy to be empty.
You're finally gone. I don't feel you at all.
I'm trying to trigger something, to see if it's real.
I picture your kisses..
but they're gone!!

Ha, I have to stop to wipe my face.
There's a sad smile.
But it's a smile nonetheless.

No "screw you", No "have a nice life".
Just nothing.
Nothing more I could possibly feel towards you.

I'm not even sure who this is to.
Haha.
I'm crying- a lot.
And it feels so damn good.

wake up

You know how people always talk about wanting to be able to see themselves from an outsiders perspective? Well I can't stop thinking about that. It's bad. I want it bad. 

My stomach hurts. 

My eyes are stinging and I'm not sure why.

I want to cry- but I don't. I want to puke- but I don't. I wan't to sleep- but I don't. I want so many things. I think good things. But they're just not coming. I can feel myself getting questionable judgement. I genuinely don't know what to do now. About anything. 

I thought I ate today. Why do I feel so sick? Did I eat today? I'm so scared of people now. Not in real life I don't think. But in my head. I just want to cry. Is this what being depressed is like? You have a "good" day, you laugh a lot, you get things done, you see your friends- then you go home and cry. About nothing in particular, but you just start crying. You get tired at a reasonable hour- but you can't listen to your body. 

11pm-12am: 

"I'm sleepy. Take me home." 

No, 

"Please, come on, just take me home, we're all tired," 

No, I don't want to speak up. 

"You're going to regret this in the morning,"

I regret everything in the morning. 

"Fine. Screw you." 

I feel like I'm pissing off people that I haven't spoken to in years. How am I doing that? People don't just hate people for no reason. Am I that inconsiderate to others? Here I am- thinking I'm doing a good job, thinking I've progressed. But then someone has a reason to hate me. It's not that I'm a "people pleaser" or whatever. It's that I don't like the idea that I gave someone reason to feel negatively. 

Lately I'm not sure how I feel about myself. I feel like sometimes I get to see myself separate from my body and I hate what I'm watching. I can't stand remembering things I've done or said- it's embarrassing. Even now, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know that girl. I'm not friends with that girl. I don't like that girl. 

I want her to leave. I want to be able to be different. But you can't just decide that over night. You gotta prove to people you're different. You've got to pick something and stick to it. I don't seem to stick to anything anymore. Man- I just don't like myself at all right now. I keep acting stupid. I keep saying things that I know I wouldn't normally say. 

I'm so disappointed in myself. 

As opposed to what? 

Being proud of myself? 

Either way I sound like a total bitch. 

I know why this is happening. It's coming to me now. I'm not close to Him anymore. I'm not letting myself be anyways. It's burning a hole in my pocket for a reason. I sit here talking about wanting to serve a mission, talking about wanting to sacrifice. Talking about wanting to be an example, when I'm so full of crap. When the time actually comes, I just sit there. I wait for someone else to do it. For someone else to speak up. I start swearing along with them. I start saying things are okay when I know they're not. 

I didn't used to be that person. Why'd I let that change? How'd I let that change? How do I go back? 

-No, scratch that. I know exactly how. 

Man, I am so totally disappointed in myself. 

This is gross. 

crucify me

I looked up Jack White on Spotify.
The first song that came on was Would You Fight For My Love.

It's really good. -I think it's really good. I wonder who would fight for my love. Would that boy? I doubt it.. -well maybe that's assuming a lot. I don't know much about him.

"I want to want to stop being alone."
"I want you to fight for all my love."

I want to sleep.
I read that happy people need less sleep to fuel them because happiness serves as a form of energy.
I must not be very happy right now, because it's mid-day and I just want to sleep.

How do you become a self-less person and still take care of yourself?
I don't think it's possible.
Who was the most self-less person you can think of?
For me it's Christ.

..and he got crucified.

Dsmn it.

you can't meet my parents

So there's this boy.
He's older than me.
He has tattoos.
He's in bands.
He's probably not a virgin.
He probably drinks.
He probably smokes.
He's my friend's older brother.

   & I have a huge fan girl crush on him.

So one day God decides to humor me.
This boy asks me to hang out/go on a date- whatever.
This boy takes me to dinner.
This boy takes me to a movie.
This boy holds open the door.
This boy stands closest to the curb.
This boy puts his arm around me.
This boy asks permission to place his hand on my knee.
This boy walks me to the door.

   But I thought that was it, & I was okay with that being it. Because it was incredible.
Only a one hit wonder.

But now God's sense of humor is coming back.
Someone's telling me I might have another chance.
Someone's talking to their mom about me.
Someone's listening to things I've said.
Someone's making an effort.
Someone's thinking about me.
Someone's leaving the continental U.S. of A. soon.

   If this has anything to do with my previous post of wanting someone...
No, it can't.. Seriously? I'm sitting here now listening to The Smiths and The Beatles on repeat. I'm trying to "educate" myself because I want to impress.
That's cheating, I know.
Now it's The Strokes.
This boy has a girlfriend.
I'm not a home wrecker.
I was fine without him for 4+ months.
I'll be fine for longer if that's the case.
I'm just curious now.
I didn't start this.
I'm not ending it though.

How strange, how funny, how little the world is.
Yeah, I want this kid. If only for a little bit.
I still want him. I'll wait my turn though.
I'll refrain from screaming as much.
But I'm still a fan girl.
First & fore most.

twist

How funny.

God has a sense of humor you know. He really does. That's one of the reasons why I love him- fear him- but love him.

A year ago we were all different places. I was in Mexico. She was with that boy. She was with that girl we don't talk to anymore. He was with that girl he's trying to help still. 3 of the 4 were some what close. Closer than we were with the boy.
 But now, a year later.
Where are we?

Not in the dorm or basement or apartment we got. We're home. In our old rooms.
Thinking of the same boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different girl?
Perhaps.

How funny.

Really it's interesting. All of us, we're home. Whether that home is a good or bad place- whether we returned willingly- that's all irrelevant. Which is refreshing to be honest. We're all home.

someone

I can't stop listening to Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.
Well, actually, it's them and Bob Dylan.
I feel weird.
I feel like I'm in love with someone I haven't met yet.
I feeling all these things, I'm missing all of these things, but I don't know what I'm feeling, or who I'm missing.

I feel like I've been transitioning a little too fast.
I don't know.
I just want to be in love again.
I want to have someone to miss. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing. I want to have someone to kiss good bye. I want to have someone to make me laugh when I'm sad. I just want to have someone. But the weird bit is that I don't quite yet feel the need to have someone. So that's kind of a bummer.

I want someone to play with my hair. I want someone to fall asleep next to. I want someone to get sushi with. I want someone to tell me to calm down. I want someone to tell me I'm being stupid. I want someone to sit with me in the library while we study. I want someone to dance to jazz with. I want someone to get tea with. I want someone to stay up late talking with.

I want someone to be there. I want to be there for someone.

I want to rub someone's shoulders when they're tired. I want to kiss someone to sleep. I want to listen to someone tell me about their day. I want to invite someone over to watch movies. I want to make mexican hot chocolate for someone. I want to play a song for someone. I want to wrap a blanket around someone. I want to grab someone's hand when they're scared. I want to be there. I want to be enough. I want to be someone's, someone.

Maybe I do need it. Maybe I don't. I'm not sure. I can't tell. It's feeling all jumbled right now. It feels lost in translation. How do you figure out the difference between needs and wants? It's a new year, I'm hopeful. I know what needs to happen. I just wish I could figure out how it was supposed to happen.
I guess I should be grateful.
Eventually it's bound to happen, no?
Man, I just really want someone.

wait, pause

This is so strange.
I've been reading back on previous posts I made and it all feels so comical.

I was totally in love with that boy.
I WAS IN LOVE.
I was a total psycho bitch to that boy.
I WAS A BITCH. TO SOMEONE I WAS IN LOVE WITH.
I suppressed a lot of feelings towards too many people.
I WAS FAKE.
I made a lot of irrational decisions.
I WAS A DUMB A**.

This is so strange.
I feel like I'm flipping through pages of myself. Every time I stop to read a page, a younger for of me crawls out and sits beside me. I'm listening her/me talk about all of these events and how I thought they took place and how I felt about it all. It's surreal. Sometimes I hate her/me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to where she came from and take her place.

In 2012 I wrote about praying to God for him to send me someone who'd love me. And that fall, He supposedly answered my prayer with my ex. -I still dislike the word ex so much.
That summer I predicted that it wouldn't end well, and winter of that same year my prediction began coming true.

In 2013 I wrote about the end of us. He and I. I was regretful, nostalgic, borderline pathetic really. In the beginning it's scary. Apparently half of that year I was "happy" with him. But really looking back, it looks like I was pretty miserable throughout it all. 

In 2014 I'm off the grid. I don't write much but what I do sounds like a terrible lifetime movie. Planning on running away, living out of a car, swooning over bad boys, remembering old loves, moving out, starting school, etc.

This is so strange.
I need to stop saying that. But I can't think of anything else that'll give it justice. I'm reflecting, and reflecting, I can't tell if I'm proud or disappointed. I'm definitely different, that was inevitable. I've definitely accomplished things so I can't be a total failure. But it's like I'm looking back and I just can't for the life of me figure out how any of this happened.

Currently I'm back in my old room. It's only temporary, but I'm here. There's different clothes hanging, there's different lights up. My hair is much shorter, my face much cleaner. There's different boys in my head. I feel so strange. What happened? Where did those people go? My hair is the same but different. I feel like I've morphed. How did I do that without noticing? There are few people that have remained constant. I'm grateful for them. But what happened? Am I going to have this same thing happen again in another three years? Am I going to look back confused? Where will I be looking back from? This room? Another?

I'm not about predicting the future or anything. I'm not concerned with looking forward as much as I am with looking back. That doesn't sound right. But that's what it is. What am I going to see changed looking back again? Holy hell, I don't want to think about it.

3/15/14
She sat there, across from me with pink eyes that showed me her heart. The lose shirt and greasy hair made me feel at peace. There was hope in her presence. Too many times before had we spoken about our families. The disfunctionality seemed to fester in our homes. But we were different. She would tell me when her heart was sore, and we'd cry in each others arms. We'd seen the gates of hell and laughed. She made me feel human. The kind of human that survives.