HIM

Ahhhhhhh. My heart is racing. Literally feels like it's beating a million miles an hour. Every time- every single time we kiss- gahhhhhhh. It's like it's the first time all over again. His lips are the most incredible things mine have ever touched.
So that's disgusting- so you're uncomfortable- so what.
He's the greatest thing I've ever had the privilege to love.

Gah- some friends of mine just left back to their hometowns to serve missions for the church.
I thought I was fine up until the moment I said goodbye & one of my friends said, "next time I see you, we'll be 21." That's when I lost it, that's when the tears started flowing & it clicked that a person I had grown to love so much in such a short amount of time was leaving me. Not forever- but for a moment, and that just killed me.

I feel that same thing with him.
But it's every night.
It's every time we pull up to my house.
It's every time I get on the train southbound.
It's every time He tells me he loves me, and wishes me a good nights rest.
It's every time he leaves the room.
It's every time I go to class.
It's every time I wake up or go to sleep.
It's every time I do anything and he's not there.

Every time he leaves, gah, I can feel it so strongly that a part of me leaves with him.
I know how that sounds, I know it's cliche, gah but that's the closest thing I can think of to describe it. I feel myself disconnect.
And I don't feel whole or complete until he's back again.
I can't think about it too hard because I feel my throat get tight, and my eyes get watery.

As soon as he's gone, I feel the temperature drop.
In the room.
In my body.
Everything experiences a loss the moment he's gone.
But as soon as he comes back.
Gahh- it's unreal.
Every time it's the same.
Just a text, or a phone call & I can't help but get nervous, or excited.
Every time I see him again my heart beats a little faster, & each time he touches me- a hand hold, as kiss, a hug, anything- I get goosebumps.
Literally, every time.
It's only been like 4 months maybe, 5 if you include the month all hell broke loose.
Less than a year has gone by, and I feel like I've found myself in someone else.

We had diner with his parents. Just the four of us. I was scared at first, I always get a little scared. Maybe I'm just insecure or intimidated or something. But it was good. It was fun. It was casual. It was easy. His mom and I shared ravioli. His dad told us about his prom date in high school. It seemed effortless. She talked about how cute our kids would be. We stayed up on the patio watching a leak get fixed.

Sometimes I can't believe how good it is.
I can't believe how happy everyone is.
I can't believe I can be a part of it.
It's hard to be happy lately it feels like.
But as soon as I'm with him- as soon as I'm in that home, being with him and his family I get so happy I feel as though I might burst.

I hate to be that girl that just goes on and on about her boyfriend.
But I'm going to be that girl because I have every reason in the world right now to be exactly like that girl.
I love him so much.
More than anything I've ever known.
I've grown and continue to grow constantly because of him.
I don't know many things, but I know that he makes me want to be better.
I know that with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I know that I don't want to picture a life that he's not a part of.
I know he makes my heart race- my skin tingle.
I know it hurts to leave him.
And I know I love him, more than anything I've ever known.