2/16/15

I'm not good at letting things go unsettled.
That used to always be my approach. I didn't like to hear my parents fight, so I'd always be passive. I'd let people win to avoid arguments. I'm not sure what it was that made me change, but I don't do that anymore.
I can't do that anymore.
People always tell me to let it go.
To dismiss it.
But I just can't.
Maybe I'm just ignorant.
Maybe I'm just naive.
But what does that matter- aren't we all?

Sometimes I lose control.
It goes too deep, & I can't find the core of the problem.
That's the most frustrating.
When you don't find the solution, the compromise, the conclusion.
What's the point then? Why bother when I'm just going to become my parents?

The point is this: Shut. Up.
Shut. Up.
Quit talking.
Quit focusing on how you're going to convince others to see where you're coming from.
Quit telling yourself that you're going through a stage.
Quit giving excuses for why you haven't started changing the way you wanted to.
Lying to yourself. Lying to people you love. Lecturing your friends, blaming others for your problems. Pretending you don't care. Refusing to look weak. Avoiding confrontation. Ignoring mirrors.

Sometimes when it's too much I stand in the bathroom.
When I'm too much I have to be alone.
I have to stop talking.
I stare at myself for how ever long it takes.
I'll get close, get far away, but it's just me.

"what are you doing?"
"could you have possibly hurt someone?"
"what do you want to do?"
"what are you feeling?"
"how did you handle that?"
"are you being yourself?"
"did you do that for someone else?"
"who are you?"
"who do you want to be?"
"why are you doing this?"

Maybe I reflect too much. Maybe I don't reflect enough.
All I know is this: I am one person. & I'm choosing to love that person.