wake up

You know how people always talk about wanting to be able to see themselves from an outsiders perspective? Well I can't stop thinking about that. It's bad. I want it bad. 

My stomach hurts. 

My eyes are stinging and I'm not sure why.

I want to cry- but I don't. I want to puke- but I don't. I wan't to sleep- but I don't. I want so many things. I think good things. But they're just not coming. I can feel myself getting questionable judgement. I genuinely don't know what to do now. About anything. 

I thought I ate today. Why do I feel so sick? Did I eat today? I'm so scared of people now. Not in real life I don't think. But in my head. I just want to cry. Is this what being depressed is like? You have a "good" day, you laugh a lot, you get things done, you see your friends- then you go home and cry. About nothing in particular, but you just start crying. You get tired at a reasonable hour- but you can't listen to your body. 

11pm-12am: 

"I'm sleepy. Take me home." 

No, 

"Please, come on, just take me home, we're all tired," 

No, I don't want to speak up. 

"You're going to regret this in the morning,"

I regret everything in the morning. 

"Fine. Screw you." 

I feel like I'm pissing off people that I haven't spoken to in years. How am I doing that? People don't just hate people for no reason. Am I that inconsiderate to others? Here I am- thinking I'm doing a good job, thinking I've progressed. But then someone has a reason to hate me. It's not that I'm a "people pleaser" or whatever. It's that I don't like the idea that I gave someone reason to feel negatively. 

Lately I'm not sure how I feel about myself. I feel like sometimes I get to see myself separate from my body and I hate what I'm watching. I can't stand remembering things I've done or said- it's embarrassing. Even now, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know that girl. I'm not friends with that girl. I don't like that girl. 

I want her to leave. I want to be able to be different. But you can't just decide that over night. You gotta prove to people you're different. You've got to pick something and stick to it. I don't seem to stick to anything anymore. Man- I just don't like myself at all right now. I keep acting stupid. I keep saying things that I know I wouldn't normally say. 

I'm so disappointed in myself. 

As opposed to what? 

Being proud of myself? 

Either way I sound like a total bitch. 

I know why this is happening. It's coming to me now. I'm not close to Him anymore. I'm not letting myself be anyways. It's burning a hole in my pocket for a reason. I sit here talking about wanting to serve a mission, talking about wanting to sacrifice. Talking about wanting to be an example, when I'm so full of crap. When the time actually comes, I just sit there. I wait for someone else to do it. For someone else to speak up. I start swearing along with them. I start saying things are okay when I know they're not. 

I didn't used to be that person. Why'd I let that change? How'd I let that change? How do I go back? 

-No, scratch that. I know exactly how. 

Man, I am so totally disappointed in myself. 

This is gross.