I'm so pissed this is making me this mad.
I'm really weird and stupid when it comes to money.
I don't like to spend it- rather I don't like the idea of spending it.
I don' t know- the point is I don't like money.
but I feel justified when I'm spending on good quality things.
-god damn. I don't have the patience to explain it all.
my mom is such a bitch sometimes.
I hate that I call her that.
I hate that I let myself feel this way towards her.
But I'm just so f*cking pissed right now.
I spent $30 on lipstick.
I know that's stupid.
I know I can't afford it.
I know I'm an idiot.
But it was my money- and I wanted do, and it's done with now so whatever.
But she asks for lipstick.
My mom.
I don't want to give her any.
I'm pretty resistant to do anything for people in my family.
They just have a way of literally ruining anything and everything.
Anyways I fight this urge and give her the damn lipstick.
and I literally get it back with teeth marks all over it.
God this is so stupid that it's making me this mad.
And I know I sound like a stupid bitch whining about lipstick.
God I feel so pretentious.
But in all seriousness it's not about the f*cking lipstick.
it's the fact that when I come to her asking for an explanation she has some dumb ass excuse about testing over bites or some shit- and to be honest I don't give a damn about what she has to say because all I can see is $30 going down the f*cking drain.
I know it's just lipstick. I f*cking know. It's JUST lipstick.
But God. I can't f*cking get over the fact that I'm never allowed to be upset.
As soon as I start talking she's freaking at me.
"you have a devil's spirit in you."
"all the neighbors know what type of spirit you have."
"you can't afford to act this way."
GAHHH. WHAT THE F*CK.
You're the one that ruined My stuff. Remember?
I'm allowed to be pissed if I so f*cking feel the desire.
You didn't spend shit on it so of course you don't give a f*cking damn.
But no- when it comes to something bigger then you're ready to put your shitty hands all over it.
Remember how you didn't pay a f*cking cent for me to go to college?
Remember how you'd make me pay for half of the bill in high school?
Remember how it had to come out of my pocket if I ever wanted to play sports or an instrument?
Remember how I had to spend my money on groceries for your gluttonous pricks?
Remember how I was the one working my ass off in school to help you make sure the water was still running in the house?
God damn, and now that I'm kind of on my feet your asking me for favors.
& You giving me shit for getting a C in biology because you "worked so hard to get me to college."
You didn't lift a damn finger to help me get here.
I'm so tired of hearing that shit.
I got to school in spite of you.
Striving to be what you weren't is what got me here.
And now that I'm f*cking here you use me as your trophy wife.
It doesn't matter if I've done better or more than you ever did.
All you've ever known is shit.
Even if I've risen above it.
That's all you'll ever see me as.
I think that's what I'm seeing.
I can buy new clothes.
I can go to a good school.
I can move out.
I can travel.
I can develop talents.
But you don't give a shit.
And I'm the one that ends up alone crying over "lipstick"
I don't even know what I'm f*cking saying.
I'm just sick of how you still manage to make me look like the idiot.
I'm not crying over f*cking lipstick.
I'm crying because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself.
I'm crying because I still let it bother me when you disappoint.
I'm crying because I refrain from doing things because I worry how it'll effect you.
I'm crying because I had to become the adult to take care of you.
& I'm crying because you're completely okay with that.
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