wait, pause

This is so strange.
I've been reading back on previous posts I made and it all feels so comical.

I was totally in love with that boy.
I WAS IN LOVE.
I was a total psycho bitch to that boy.
I WAS A BITCH. TO SOMEONE I WAS IN LOVE WITH.
I suppressed a lot of feelings towards too many people.
I WAS FAKE.
I made a lot of irrational decisions.
I WAS A DUMB A**.

This is so strange.
I feel like I'm flipping through pages of myself. Every time I stop to read a page, a younger for of me crawls out and sits beside me. I'm listening her/me talk about all of these events and how I thought they took place and how I felt about it all. It's surreal. Sometimes I hate her/me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to where she came from and take her place.

In 2012 I wrote about praying to God for him to send me someone who'd love me. And that fall, He supposedly answered my prayer with my ex. -I still dislike the word ex so much.
That summer I predicted that it wouldn't end well, and winter of that same year my prediction began coming true.

In 2013 I wrote about the end of us. He and I. I was regretful, nostalgic, borderline pathetic really. In the beginning it's scary. Apparently half of that year I was "happy" with him. But really looking back, it looks like I was pretty miserable throughout it all. 

In 2014 I'm off the grid. I don't write much but what I do sounds like a terrible lifetime movie. Planning on running away, living out of a car, swooning over bad boys, remembering old loves, moving out, starting school, etc.

This is so strange.
I need to stop saying that. But I can't think of anything else that'll give it justice. I'm reflecting, and reflecting, I can't tell if I'm proud or disappointed. I'm definitely different, that was inevitable. I've definitely accomplished things so I can't be a total failure. But it's like I'm looking back and I just can't for the life of me figure out how any of this happened.

Currently I'm back in my old room. It's only temporary, but I'm here. There's different clothes hanging, there's different lights up. My hair is much shorter, my face much cleaner. There's different boys in my head. I feel so strange. What happened? Where did those people go? My hair is the same but different. I feel like I've morphed. How did I do that without noticing? There are few people that have remained constant. I'm grateful for them. But what happened? Am I going to have this same thing happen again in another three years? Am I going to look back confused? Where will I be looking back from? This room? Another?

I'm not about predicting the future or anything. I'm not concerned with looking forward as much as I am with looking back. That doesn't sound right. But that's what it is. What am I going to see changed looking back again? Holy hell, I don't want to think about it.