if i could have it back

I've felt very torn about too many things lately. When I'm alone I feel as though my skull is going to burst at the seems with everything piling up in my head.
-Too much isn't being said to people that need to hear it.
-In my head I'm moving past it.
-In my dreams I'm screaming.
At night I feel myself changing. I'm more passionate, more emotional, more cross. Last night I started crying when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. I think he thought I was upset with him. I didn't know how to tell him that I was grateful, that I adored him. I just felt a lump in my throat and I didn't know how to tell him that my sudden frustration had nothing to do with him, or our relationship.

-I'm so confused,  I thought we had put it behind us, but nothing seems to feel resolved.
I'm getting upset all the time. I want to be excited, I do. But I feel stupid. I feel wronged. I feel like people are going around with smiles plastered on whispering awful things underneath. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just know if I was being ridiculous, if I was blowing it out of proportion. But I can't shake it off.

-Was it really never that good?
-Was I that easy to be replaced?
-I feel it most nights
-I feel it every time I close my eyes

I thought I was being myself. I thought I was taking care of mine. They were mine. I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I thought I did something for them. But when we're all together I feel like shit. Suddenly guns and knives are being pulled out. Maybe it's confidence, maybe it's self worth- but maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's self loathing. I never feel safe around them anymore. I don't even have to be near them to feel that way. All of these juvenile things are being glamorized, and it feels like it's only to make me feel upset or uncomfortable.

-We were never like that.
-We never had to prove to anyone that we were having a good time, or that we loved each other.
-We already knew it in our hearts.
We knew that we were different, that we were special, and beautiful, and strong. We had were moments that only we were there for. Only we could share them with each other. Maybe through pictures, maybe through dresses or shoes, or songs but mainly through our selves, and our feelings. But now it feels like they're having new moments -which is inevitable and natural and good- but they have to throw them in my face.
All of them.
Everyday.
It's not private- well I'm sure some of it is- but it's in my face.

-I'm sure they've changed.
-I've changed.
-It's inevitable and natural and good.
If the relationships are fading and dying then so be it. But if we're just coasting by, pretending everything is good when it's not- then so help me, I can feel hell preparing to break loose. I don't like feeling hostile. I don't like feeding contention. I don't like what I'm feeling. But I think of them and I'm not happy anymore. I feel colder. I see them standing on the opposite shore. They're living their lives, I'm living mine, but I see walls going up. And I'm getting bored watching them go up, and I'm getting upset that I'm bored. I know they'll come down. But that's not very comforting either, because I feel like they'll come down and it'll turn out it mean't nothing at all.

 I guess I just don't understand. I don't know much of what's going on, but I know that I was a friend, and it wasn't enough. I didn't want or need it to be glamorized how it is now. But I at least just wanted to feel safe, and appreciated. I wanted to be supported. I thought I was able to give those things but I could have been wrong.
I just feel stupid all the time. And I feel way worse then I know I should.
-I feel abused.
-I feel tampered.
-I just want to be strong.
-I just want to be hard.

And the worst part of it all is I can't tell him all of this. I mean I try to, but it won't come out. Not properly anyways. Maybe he already knows, but I can't keep these awful feelings away from him. He sits there and lets me loose. He listens, he holds me -when I let him- he's the one that picks me up when it gets ugly. He's the one that see's all this shit now. The bi-polar, the random sobbing. He's the one that tells me I'm not broken. He's the one that forces it out of my system.
-But he hasn't hurt me.
-He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way.
-And still, he's the one at the end of the day, kissing my forehead, saying he's sorry.

It's not fair.
I hate them right now and I hate that he has to deal with it.
But I hate myself even more for hating them, and for putting him through that.