what is this?

Why does it feel so good to have someone?
The time before this it felt like I needed someone.
Like I was asking for someone and they heard me call.
But this time- I mean, don't remember asking. . .

Maybe that's why it went smoother.
Maybe that's why it was so much easier.
Maybe that's why I fell so fast.

I don't remember feeling the need to impress.
Of course I get embarrassed sometimes- we all do, regardless of how confident we are.
But I don't remember wanting someone- really wanting someone.
I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling.

I just feel whole now, even though I don't necessarily remember thinking I was incomplete.
I think it's one of those things were God let's you have what you think you need.
Then later, he lets you have what He knows you need whether you know it or not.

It's still hard I guess, to open up completely.
That'll take more time to change I think.
But I feel I'm in a much better place than before.
I don't feel the need to open up completely quite yet; I don't need to share scary stuff.

Both times I feel like I was trying my hardest though.
I feel like I was giving my all.
So it was more of a tender mercy.

But the first time, I was selfish.
I asked for something and God gave it to me, and I screwed it up.
And I think that was the point; I didn't know what I wanted.

I'm not saying I know anything now really.
It's just that I feel different- bigger now.
More is expected- less is expected.
I need to be my own person, I need to compromise.
To be honest, to be real.

This morning we had breakfast.
I could just sit next to him in silence for hours, his hand on my knee.
His eyes make my heart stop, every time.
His hands are so sure, so aware and tender.

My stomach does flips if I think about it too much.
When he's not here I feel the absence of a part of myself I gave him.
And when he's here I feel peace, and entire.
I'm not sure how this is possible, I'm not sure why it's happening.
Still, I don't really care.
He holds me and I'm safe.
I felt that once before, but this is greater..

This is greater,
This is clearer, 
This is more.
This- is right.