man

I haven't written on this in almost over a year.
So much has happened.
I got engaged.
I got married.
I moved to Texas.
I'm trying to get pregnant.

In many ways I feel like my life has become so simple, and for that I'm so incredibly grateful for.
There's a man sleeping in the other room.
His head gets sweaty when he's tired.
He likes to steal my red baseball cap even though he has a perfectly good blue one.
He leaves his clothes in the middle of the closet when he changes into pajamas.

My husband is sleeping in the other room.
We have extremely different sleep schedules.
We don't eat breakfast.
We exercise intentionally once a month.
We would rather spend our last hundred dollars on dinner and a movie over getting groceries.

Sometimes when he's gone at work, I'll go hours without speaking a word.
My mind will wander about random things.
In a way I'm grateful for these hours of silence.
A few weeks ago though, I thought I would go crazy.
I had gone a week without stepping foot outside our 700 square foot apartment.
But I got over it.

Eventually I'll get a job, socialize, etc.
But right now, more than anything I want to take advantage of my time with him.
I know it's probably naive, but I don't want to waste a minute I don't have to.
To be home, every time he walks through the door is something I'm grateful for.
Long hot showers together serve as an escape, from his work, and my silence.

I can't believe this is my life now.
It's so easy to wake up, and fall asleep, laughing.
I'm falling in love again everyday.
And it's the greatest feeling in the world.
To be honest, to be vulnerable.
And to be loved.

I hate religion right now.
I hate God.
I hate trust.
I hate love.
I hate everything that's supposed to be good.

I hate being dependent.
I hate being weak.
I hate being a part of something.
I hate wanting to stop when running away.

I don't want to forgive people. I don't want to move on. I can't fucking do it.
That girl was a bitch. And I can't ever move on because I know exactly how I felt when she did something bitchy and if I ever think about it the same exact shitty feeling comes back. So as long as I feel the feeling- I can't move past it.

Same with that bitch of a girl and boy. Fuck them. I know I can choose and make my own decisions and I allow myself to feel these ways- but fuck them. I would never feel these things on my own, I know it. I would never hate someone so much on my own. Not without comparing them to those two original mother fuckers. I fucking hate what they did to me. I don't care what lesson I "learned". I hate people now. And that's my decision. That's what I've decided. They all hurt you. They all pick someone else. They all get tired and leave.

I hate these dark spells.
I hate when I let myself feel.
I hate being with people.
I hate pretending I deserve more.

Crimson Bitch

Wednesday I got my period. I don't think any one especially likes that time of the the month. I feel like I used to be super good and chill about it but lately it's just been a total mess- I've been a total mess. I feel like it's gotten progressively worse and I'm seriously (not seriously) thinking about birth control. Anyways, Wednesday I got my period.

My boyfriend has always been incredible to me. He's always taken care of me from the start when I let him, and Wednesday wasn't any different. He had lots of other things on his plate that day and he still got to the store to call me and ask if I meant super or regular tampons and which chocolate candy he should bring me home. Literally I struck gold with this kid. I'm not allowed to ever forget it.

Anyways long story short he came into my room Wednesday night with pills, chocolate, starbursts, tampons, pads, water, the works while I was literally shoving my face into the mattress watching Gossip Girl (which for the record is crap but I can't seem to stop).
He gives me pills, put everything away, hands me a water bottle and literally force feeds me chocolate and the whole time I'm struggling to breathe normally because of how much pain I'm in. To be honest I just wanted to cry and watch Gossip Girl by myself but he stayed and cuddled with me. I was back and forth between crying hysterically or just punching the wall or not breathing at all it was like a bad deleted scene from The Shining.

 Anyways, He stays next to me through the whole thing. Tucking my hair behind my ear, kissing my cheek or just holding my head up.  I'm being insane and he's literally stoking my back telling me he loves me. I kept on thinking of how awful and long that night ahead of me was going to be until- I can't remember which one of us started it, but we basically started singing love songs to each other. He told me I needed a distraction from the pain (he was and will ALWAYS be right) so he started singing.

Some was our Beatles song that a friend of ours showed us. Lots of it was Louis Armstrong and Elle Fitzgerald. Some of it was Paul McCartney. We just laid in my bed. I'm disgusting, he's flawless. Our heads pressed together close, he's playing with my hair or stroking my face and we take turns singing to each other. Gah I've never been so close to someone like how I am with him. It's incredible. One moment I'm trying to bruise my knuckles and the next he's got me singing La Vie En Rose to him literally meaning every word I say as our eyes get all glassy and we stare intensely at each other. AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP IN HIS ARMS. Peacefully and willingly. I slept through the whole night. Granted I woke up pissed that he wasn't there but that's just my crimson river talking. Man I love my boyfriend. I love my best friend.

my pillow smells like him.

I get mad. Like furious. I didn't used to do that. I don't like it. I don't know myself.

5/24/15 Imperial Beach, California

I had a terrible dream last night- I don't even want to try and write it down because I don't want to remember it ever again.

I woke up this morning feeling the tiniest bit of sand at my feet. I spread out on the huge white bed and heard his breathing in the loft above me.

I can't believe I'm here.

Last night when we arrived everyone was tired and hungry- moods were going. But I could not for the life of me contain my excitement to see the sea again. After we ate I changed into my suit and dress and we went out to the shore line. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to dig my toes into the sand. My heart was bursting. I ran into the water as soon as I deemed appropriate throwing my body at the waves. I fell hard multiple times but the sting of salt on pink flesh only seemed more inviting. He came in after me, freezing and uncomfortable, he came in and grabbed my arm. I tried to pull him down into the cool water but he was too strong. He rose me up and kissed me hard. Salt and sand binding our lips together. That moment I think I'll remember forever.

It felt like a movie- but better. I was getting pushed by the waves, he was freezing, we were struggling to stay still but we managed a kiss. It tasted like a pillar of salt crashing down on me, and behind the pillar his lips. Gah- I couldn't believe it was happening. I don't like cliche saying or moments, but as soon as my lips left his I thought immediately,
" In this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

And we were. Standing there beside him, waves crashing against out legs, suits pressed tight & wet against our bodies. We found each other in the dark, we held each other so tight. Salt water made us sticky but that only helped us stay closer. Gah- that moment I think I'll remember forever.

After we walked to the pier to meet his family. I've never been happier than when I'm with them. Then when I'm with him, then when I'm at the sea. My heart was full- and still is now. I never want it to end. But when it does I'll remember it with such love.

also I can't wait to go to the zoo tomorrow.

neon

A vial of hope and a vial of pain
In the light they both looked the same
Poured them out on into the world
On every boy and every girl

It's in the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right

Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
What I know is what you know is right
In the city it's the only light
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right

Oh God! Well look at you now!
Oh! You lost it, but you don't know how!
In the light of a golden calf
Oh God! I had to laugh!

Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
It was wrong but you said it was right
In the future I will read at night

It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is true

if i could have it back

I've felt very torn about too many things lately. When I'm alone I feel as though my skull is going to burst at the seems with everything piling up in my head.
-Too much isn't being said to people that need to hear it.
-In my head I'm moving past it.
-In my dreams I'm screaming.
At night I feel myself changing. I'm more passionate, more emotional, more cross. Last night I started crying when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. I think he thought I was upset with him. I didn't know how to tell him that I was grateful, that I adored him. I just felt a lump in my throat and I didn't know how to tell him that my sudden frustration had nothing to do with him, or our relationship.

-I'm so confused,  I thought we had put it behind us, but nothing seems to feel resolved.
I'm getting upset all the time. I want to be excited, I do. But I feel stupid. I feel wronged. I feel like people are going around with smiles plastered on whispering awful things underneath. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just know if I was being ridiculous, if I was blowing it out of proportion. But I can't shake it off.

-Was it really never that good?
-Was I that easy to be replaced?
-I feel it most nights
-I feel it every time I close my eyes

I thought I was being myself. I thought I was taking care of mine. They were mine. I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I thought I did something for them. But when we're all together I feel like shit. Suddenly guns and knives are being pulled out. Maybe it's confidence, maybe it's self worth- but maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's self loathing. I never feel safe around them anymore. I don't even have to be near them to feel that way. All of these juvenile things are being glamorized, and it feels like it's only to make me feel upset or uncomfortable.

-We were never like that.
-We never had to prove to anyone that we were having a good time, or that we loved each other.
-We already knew it in our hearts.
We knew that we were different, that we were special, and beautiful, and strong. We had were moments that only we were there for. Only we could share them with each other. Maybe through pictures, maybe through dresses or shoes, or songs but mainly through our selves, and our feelings. But now it feels like they're having new moments -which is inevitable and natural and good- but they have to throw them in my face.
All of them.
Everyday.
It's not private- well I'm sure some of it is- but it's in my face.

-I'm sure they've changed.
-I've changed.
-It's inevitable and natural and good.
If the relationships are fading and dying then so be it. But if we're just coasting by, pretending everything is good when it's not- then so help me, I can feel hell preparing to break loose. I don't like feeling hostile. I don't like feeding contention. I don't like what I'm feeling. But I think of them and I'm not happy anymore. I feel colder. I see them standing on the opposite shore. They're living their lives, I'm living mine, but I see walls going up. And I'm getting bored watching them go up, and I'm getting upset that I'm bored. I know they'll come down. But that's not very comforting either, because I feel like they'll come down and it'll turn out it mean't nothing at all.

 I guess I just don't understand. I don't know much of what's going on, but I know that I was a friend, and it wasn't enough. I didn't want or need it to be glamorized how it is now. But I at least just wanted to feel safe, and appreciated. I wanted to be supported. I thought I was able to give those things but I could have been wrong.
I just feel stupid all the time. And I feel way worse then I know I should.
-I feel abused.
-I feel tampered.
-I just want to be strong.
-I just want to be hard.

And the worst part of it all is I can't tell him all of this. I mean I try to, but it won't come out. Not properly anyways. Maybe he already knows, but I can't keep these awful feelings away from him. He sits there and lets me loose. He listens, he holds me -when I let him- he's the one that picks me up when it gets ugly. He's the one that see's all this shit now. The bi-polar, the random sobbing. He's the one that tells me I'm not broken. He's the one that forces it out of my system.
-But he hasn't hurt me.
-He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way.
-And still, he's the one at the end of the day, kissing my forehead, saying he's sorry.

It's not fair.
I hate them right now and I hate that he has to deal with it.
But I hate myself even more for hating them, and for putting him through that.

darcy

Did you know there are more nerve endings in your lips then there are in your genitals? I don't know if that's completely true. I read it in cosmopolitan. I kind of hope it is though because I just had the most wonderful goodnight make out with my boyfriend. I know how that sounds. I know that's annoying if you're single and reading this. But I just can't stop thinking about how grateful I am to have him. I'm not going to sit here and write about how he's the greatest boyfriend in the world, because 1: I've already done that, and 2: that's impossible. He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. I'm trying to keep from being that girl that only posts about her boyfriend, but seeing as this is my blog and anyone who reads this has the agency to not, I'm just going to go ahead and write it anyway. 

The only way I can feel to properly describe being with him is the final scene of Pride & Prejudice 2005. Not the American alternate ending- though I do feel as though that would depict the feeling as well..

It's surreal.

 The feeling is like nothing else. 

And it's every time I'm about to leave him and he leans in to kiss me. 

When I see him for the first time of the day, he might as well be wearing a trench coat walking through a fogged meadow. My heart is full and my palms get sweaty. I get excited, and anxious, I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face. I resist the urge to look way- all the while giving into the urge to stare at him. I won't deny it, I've done the whole, "your hands are cold." *kisses hands while staring into eyes lovingly* bit. And ladies is works like a charm, literally. Being that close to someone else's face. Wanting to be that close to someone else, because believe me, it's hard for me to get this close to someone let alone want to be that close to their FACE. 

It's surreal. 

He'll kiss me, so intensely, so perfectly. He'll lean his head softly against mine. He'll graze my lips with the tip of his thumb right before I feel his lips softly brush mine. He does the whole tuck my hair behind my ear, he does the whole hold my face in his hands. It's perfection. For a moment in time when we're together, nothing is impossible. Nothing is difficult, nothing is broken. For the moment that he has me in his arms, I am at complete peace with what is to come. And the moment I leave him, I start praying for the hours to go by swiftly until I get to see him again. 

He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. He's my Mr. Darcy. Every time I'm with him, my heart sings. I smile more, I laugh more, I believe in myself more. I'm not sure if that's what Darcy was for Elizabeth, but that's what my boyfriend is for me. The kiss with the sun in-between your faces, that's what my boyfriend is for me. He's the greatest person in the world, for me.

 I didn't know you could love someone so much. 

It's surreal.

Someone else is playing the guitar. And this morning I heard the harmonica playing hymns. I feel so stupid with an empty bass case. 

tender mercies

One of my new roommates is a piano major. I am so incredibly happy right now. She's playing in the living room and somehow it helps me feel okay with it being 1:49pm and me still being in bed. 

come away with me

The other night I felt like shit.

I can't remember why, maybe it was the money thing, or the family thing. 

I had a really high high, then I had a crazy low- so fast. 

Anyways- I felt like shit.

He called me and told me he was picking me up. 

He didn't ask- he told me. 

  I love it when he does that. 

  I know there's a fine line- and I can't imagine how confusing it would be to see it, but I love when he's forward and demanding like that. Don't get me wrong, I love how considerate and sensitive he is, always mindful of how I feel. But sometimes he has these moments of just heated demanding. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. 

He comes to get me, we're driving around, and I can tell he feels like shit too. 

He's frustrated and I'm frustrated, our conversation is brief. 

Then he's asking me to go with him. 

Then he's headed to the freeway. 

All in a matter of 5 minutes or so of hearing my answer he starts heading North. 

It happened a couple days ago but I just started thinking about it again just now. 

I found it so interesting and comforting how that played out. 

Both of us were frustrated. 

Both of us were irritated from things that were independent from each other. 

And we both just gravitated towards each other. 

-I'm leaving and I want you to come away with me. 

-Okay let's go. Where ever you want. 

We talked about some of it, we were quiet for some of it. 

Most of the time we just held each other. 

Most of the time we just got as close as we possibly could. 

And that was enough. That was more than enough to help me do something the next day. 

When I felt like shit- I just wanted to be in his arms. 

When he felt like shit- he came to me too. 

I know I could be speaking out of turn. 

I could be assuming a lot. 

But that's exactly what it felt like. 

And for me personally that's a big deal. 

I like being alone, I like thinking to myself. 

But lately it's been awful. 

When I'm alone for too long, I don't reflect, I just get depressed. 

When things get hard, I'd get alone, and I'd get depressed. 

But now I go to him, it's hard & I'm stubborn as hell but I go to him. 

I'll go to him, and he'll come to me. 

1/15/15

I've never seen so many boys in kakis as when I'm at school
It so weird when you see a cute boy that you keep making eye contact with
But then you get up to go or he does, and that's it.

You never think twice about that cute kid on the 3rd floor of the library
Because an eye exchange means nothing.

Lately I've felt like I've been on holiday still.
I'm tired all the time.
I don't want to start my day 'til late afternoon.
I'm sleeping in a rented room
I feel like I have somewhere else to return to
I feel like someone's waiting for me somewhere else.

I wish I could go through life with my eyes closed.
I wish I didn't wish that.
I wish I'd stop missing someone I haven't met.

1/17/15

Do you ever think about why you know the people you know?

 -or how you know the people you know? 

Sometimes I see things that people do and I feel sick. 

I feel ashamed to walk on the ground. 

I feel ashamed to breath in the air. 

I feel ashamed to sleep at night. 

Other times, I look at my friends, at the people that I love, and I fear my heart is going to explode. 

I want to parade these people so the world can see them.

I want to make movies or write books or sing songs to broadcast their importance. 

I want to share them with others so that they might feel their radiance. 

I love people. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes, and we'll always stay that way. 

2/16/15

I'm not good at letting things go unsettled.
That used to always be my approach. I didn't like to hear my parents fight, so I'd always be passive. I'd let people win to avoid arguments. I'm not sure what it was that made me change, but I don't do that anymore.
I can't do that anymore.
People always tell me to let it go.
To dismiss it.
But I just can't.
Maybe I'm just ignorant.
Maybe I'm just naive.
But what does that matter- aren't we all?

Sometimes I lose control.
It goes too deep, & I can't find the core of the problem.
That's the most frustrating.
When you don't find the solution, the compromise, the conclusion.
What's the point then? Why bother when I'm just going to become my parents?

The point is this: Shut. Up.
Shut. Up.
Quit talking.
Quit focusing on how you're going to convince others to see where you're coming from.
Quit telling yourself that you're going through a stage.
Quit giving excuses for why you haven't started changing the way you wanted to.
Lying to yourself. Lying to people you love. Lecturing your friends, blaming others for your problems. Pretending you don't care. Refusing to look weak. Avoiding confrontation. Ignoring mirrors.

Sometimes when it's too much I stand in the bathroom.
When I'm too much I have to be alone.
I have to stop talking.
I stare at myself for how ever long it takes.
I'll get close, get far away, but it's just me.

"what are you doing?"
"could you have possibly hurt someone?"
"what do you want to do?"
"what are you feeling?"
"how did you handle that?"
"are you being yourself?"
"did you do that for someone else?"
"who are you?"
"who do you want to be?"
"why are you doing this?"

Maybe I reflect too much. Maybe I don't reflect enough.
All I know is this: I am one person. & I'm choosing to love that person.

HIM

Ahhhhhhh. My heart is racing. Literally feels like it's beating a million miles an hour. Every time- every single time we kiss- gahhhhhhh. It's like it's the first time all over again. His lips are the most incredible things mine have ever touched.
So that's disgusting- so you're uncomfortable- so what.
He's the greatest thing I've ever had the privilege to love.

Gah- some friends of mine just left back to their hometowns to serve missions for the church.
I thought I was fine up until the moment I said goodbye & one of my friends said, "next time I see you, we'll be 21." That's when I lost it, that's when the tears started flowing & it clicked that a person I had grown to love so much in such a short amount of time was leaving me. Not forever- but for a moment, and that just killed me.

I feel that same thing with him.
But it's every night.
It's every time we pull up to my house.
It's every time I get on the train southbound.
It's every time He tells me he loves me, and wishes me a good nights rest.
It's every time he leaves the room.
It's every time I go to class.
It's every time I wake up or go to sleep.
It's every time I do anything and he's not there.

Every time he leaves, gah, I can feel it so strongly that a part of me leaves with him.
I know how that sounds, I know it's cliche, gah but that's the closest thing I can think of to describe it. I feel myself disconnect.
And I don't feel whole or complete until he's back again.
I can't think about it too hard because I feel my throat get tight, and my eyes get watery.

As soon as he's gone, I feel the temperature drop.
In the room.
In my body.
Everything experiences a loss the moment he's gone.
But as soon as he comes back.
Gahh- it's unreal.
Every time it's the same.
Just a text, or a phone call & I can't help but get nervous, or excited.
Every time I see him again my heart beats a little faster, & each time he touches me- a hand hold, as kiss, a hug, anything- I get goosebumps.
Literally, every time.
It's only been like 4 months maybe, 5 if you include the month all hell broke loose.
Less than a year has gone by, and I feel like I've found myself in someone else.

We had diner with his parents. Just the four of us. I was scared at first, I always get a little scared. Maybe I'm just insecure or intimidated or something. But it was good. It was fun. It was casual. It was easy. His mom and I shared ravioli. His dad told us about his prom date in high school. It seemed effortless. She talked about how cute our kids would be. We stayed up on the patio watching a leak get fixed.

Sometimes I can't believe how good it is.
I can't believe how happy everyone is.
I can't believe I can be a part of it.
It's hard to be happy lately it feels like.
But as soon as I'm with him- as soon as I'm in that home, being with him and his family I get so happy I feel as though I might burst.

I hate to be that girl that just goes on and on about her boyfriend.
But I'm going to be that girl because I have every reason in the world right now to be exactly like that girl.
I love him so much.
More than anything I've ever known.
I've grown and continue to grow constantly because of him.
I don't know many things, but I know that he makes me want to be better.
I know that with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I know that I don't want to picture a life that he's not a part of.
I know he makes my heart race- my skin tingle.
I know it hurts to leave him.
And I know I love him, more than anything I've ever known.

I start a new job Monday. I'm terrified.

There's a feeling you get when you're so ridiculously close to someone.
-Maybe it's when you spoon for too long, but it feels like you're so close to another independent being that you start to get in sync.
I swear- body temperatures feel like they cancel each other out & you reach equilibrium.
One moment you're both breathing hard, & the next you're holding him so close that you lose the sound of your heart beat under his.
It's impossible to write down the things that surface when you're that close to someone.
It's not even fair to try explain how he makes me feel.

I've never felt this before.
- That's what everyone says, but it's true.
I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable being vulnerable to another person.
I can't say that I'm not afraid- That would just be a bold face lie.
I can't say that I don't have my insecurities, because that's literally impossible.
But I feel more alive in a way.

I'm not sure how to word it, it's simple in my head but as soon as I try to match it with words it's too much, it's not enough.
I feel more real. I feel more emotional, I feel more aware.
The pain is more intense. Much more than anything else I've ever felt.
But the joy, & happiness, & satisfaction of being with someone so- real, so grounded & put together- it's indescribable.

we had already talked- said things about it.
we had already spoken of things we'd do- how we'd do it.
but today I saw that a friend of mine got engaged.
she's my age, she started same time I did.
and now she's preparing to start forever with someone she loves.
everyone here talks about how wrong that is.
I used to talk about how wrong that is.
to do it that fast,
to do it so young.

it is fast,
it is young.
but I think I see it now.
four months ago I wouldn't even acknowledge my feelings.
I couldn't let myself see him like that.
but now I can't stop telling him how I feel
and now he's talking to me about kids- our kids.
he's asking me for ring sizes, asking me my favorite stone.

maybe I should be scared
maybe I should feel strange.
but I don't.
I don't want anything other than him forever.
I think I see it now.
maybe I'm just hormonal
maybe I'm just stupid
but I know he's the one.

he said he'd get down on one knee for me
and then he did
my heart stopped for a second.
not because I was scared
but because it felt right
even joking, it felt so incredibly right.

there's still so much more time that needs to pass,
there's still so much more work to be done.
and I'll do it- gladly.
he's the one, I know it now.
I can't believe myself- how sure I am about this.
but I just look at him and there's no question.

it's fast.
we're young.
but I've found him.

what is this?

Why does it feel so good to have someone?
The time before this it felt like I needed someone.
Like I was asking for someone and they heard me call.
But this time- I mean, don't remember asking. . .

Maybe that's why it went smoother.
Maybe that's why it was so much easier.
Maybe that's why I fell so fast.

I don't remember feeling the need to impress.
Of course I get embarrassed sometimes- we all do, regardless of how confident we are.
But I don't remember wanting someone- really wanting someone.
I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling.

I just feel whole now, even though I don't necessarily remember thinking I was incomplete.
I think it's one of those things were God let's you have what you think you need.
Then later, he lets you have what He knows you need whether you know it or not.

It's still hard I guess, to open up completely.
That'll take more time to change I think.
But I feel I'm in a much better place than before.
I don't feel the need to open up completely quite yet; I don't need to share scary stuff.

Both times I feel like I was trying my hardest though.
I feel like I was giving my all.
So it was more of a tender mercy.

But the first time, I was selfish.
I asked for something and God gave it to me, and I screwed it up.
And I think that was the point; I didn't know what I wanted.

I'm not saying I know anything now really.
It's just that I feel different- bigger now.
More is expected- less is expected.
I need to be my own person, I need to compromise.
To be honest, to be real.

This morning we had breakfast.
I could just sit next to him in silence for hours, his hand on my knee.
His eyes make my heart stop, every time.
His hands are so sure, so aware and tender.

My stomach does flips if I think about it too much.
When he's not here I feel the absence of a part of myself I gave him.
And when he's here I feel peace, and entire.
I'm not sure how this is possible, I'm not sure why it's happening.
Still, I don't really care.
He holds me and I'm safe.
I felt that once before, but this is greater..

This is greater,
This is clearer, 
This is more.
This- is right.