hiding

I feel fine.
Just now- just barely- they cut again.
But I feel fine.

I feel a little scared, a little stupid, a little frustrated.
I cried hard, but not for long- so that's good.
That's really good.

I want to say something- but I'm not going to.
It's not going to be like that this time.
This time it's going to be different.
It's already very different.
So I intend to keep it that way.

I deserve this.
I'm not going to stand in my own way.
I'm not going to let them stand in my way.
-with reason I mean.

Anyways..
Everyone is hurting right now.
Everyone I love is hurting.
I've been so used to doing things about it.
But I just want to hide now.

I know it's not good.
I know it's not productive.
-but it's not painful.
and I know I'm alright with that for now.

"Tomorrow I'll be faster.
I'll catch what I've been chasing after & have time to play.
But I'm quite alright hiding today."

come what may.

"And you know that she's half crazy but that's why you wanna be there,
And she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China,
And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her,
Then she gets you on her wavelength and she lets the river answer,
That you've always been her lover."

"And you want to travel with her,
And you want to travel blind,
And you know that she will trust you,
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind."

I think distance is key to any relationship. 
I think I need to leave- really leave for a while. 
I think I should go off the grid. 
I think I'll do just that. 
I'm going off the grid. 

f*cking mascara & f*cking lipstick

there's f*cking mascara on my keyboard.

I'm so pissed this is making me this mad. 

I'm really weird and stupid when it comes to money. 

I don't like to spend it- rather I don't like the idea of spending it. 

I don' t know- the point is I don't like money. 

but I feel justified when I'm spending on good quality things. 

-god damn. I don't have the patience to explain it all. 

my mom is such a bitch sometimes. 

I hate that I call her that. 

I hate that I let myself feel this way towards her. 

But I'm just so f*cking pissed right now. 

I spent $30 on lipstick.

I know that's stupid. 

I know I can't afford it. 

I know I'm an idiot. 

But it was my money- and I wanted do, and it's done with now so whatever. 

But she asks for lipstick. 

My mom. 

I don't want to give her any. 

I'm pretty resistant to do anything for people in my family. 

They just have a way of literally ruining anything and everything. 

Anyways I fight this urge and give her the damn lipstick.

and I literally get it back with teeth marks all over it. 

God this is so stupid that it's making me this mad. 

And I know I sound like a stupid bitch whining about lipstick. 

God I feel so pretentious. 

But in all seriousness it's not about the f*cking lipstick. 

it's the fact that when I come to her asking for an explanation she has some dumb ass excuse about testing over bites or some shit- and to be honest I don't give a damn about what she has to say because all I can see is $30 going down the f*cking drain. 

I know it's just lipstick. I f*cking know. It's JUST lipstick. 

But God. I can't f*cking get over the fact that I'm never allowed to be upset. 

As soon as I start talking she's freaking at me. 

"you have a devil's spirit in you."

"all the neighbors know what type of spirit you have." 

"you can't afford to act this way."

GAHHH. WHAT THE F*CK. 

You're the one that ruined My stuff. Remember? 

I'm allowed to be pissed if I so f*cking feel the desire. 

You didn't spend shit on it so of course you don't give a f*cking damn. 

But no- when it comes to something bigger then you're ready to put your shitty hands all over it. 

Remember how you didn't pay a f*cking cent for me to go to college? 

Remember how you'd make me pay for half of the bill in high school? 

Remember how it had to come out of my pocket if I ever wanted to play sports or an instrument? 

Remember how I had to spend my money on groceries for your gluttonous pricks? 

Remember how I was the one working my ass off in school to help you make sure the water was still running in the house? 

God damn, and now that I'm kind of on my feet your asking me for favors. 

& You giving me shit for getting a C in biology because you "worked so hard to get me to college." 

You didn't lift a damn finger to help me get here. 

I'm so tired of hearing that shit. 

I got to school in spite of you. 

Striving to be what you weren't is what got me here. 

And now that I'm f*cking here you use me as your trophy wife. 

It doesn't matter if I've done better or more than you ever did. 

All you've ever known is shit. 

Even if I've risen above it. 

That's all you'll ever see me as. 

I think that's what I'm seeing. 

I can buy new clothes. 

I can go to a good school. 

I can move out. 

I can travel. 

I can develop talents. 

But you don't give a shit. 

And I'm the one that ends up alone crying over "lipstick" 

I don't even know what I'm f*cking saying. 

I'm just sick of how you still manage to make me look like the idiot.

I'm not crying over f*cking lipstick. 

I'm crying because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. 

I'm crying because I still let it bother me when you disappoint. 

I'm crying because I refrain from doing things because I worry how it'll effect you. 

I'm crying because I had to become the adult to take care of you. 

& I'm crying because you're completely okay with that. 

bob, bon, chris, jack

I'm crying. Literally over the weirdest memories.

My *sister is in another part of town.
Further south.
She & I are reminiscing.

So strange what a few songs can do to someone.
We listen at the same time and just cry.
I can't hold her, or wipe away her tears- but I can feel her.
A picture every now and then.
It's all too real.

I'm crying with someone, that's not even here.
I don't know who I'm crying for, if I'm crying for anyone.
I just wanna cry, you know?
Do you ever just want to cry?
Like a cleansing.
Something like that, I don't know.

Another song.
Another picture.
Another feeling.

Someone's hair is moving in the wind.
Someone's breath is getting shorter.
Someone's heart is racing.

I don't remember what you feel like.
I don't remember how we loved.


I'm so happy I don't remember. .


Sobbing like an idiot.
I'm so happy to be empty.
You're finally gone. I don't feel you at all.
I'm trying to trigger something, to see if it's real.
I picture your kisses..
but they're gone!!

Ha, I have to stop to wipe my face.
There's a sad smile.
But it's a smile nonetheless.

No "screw you", No "have a nice life".
Just nothing.
Nothing more I could possibly feel towards you.

I'm not even sure who this is to.
Haha.
I'm crying- a lot.
And it feels so damn good.

wake up

You know how people always talk about wanting to be able to see themselves from an outsiders perspective? Well I can't stop thinking about that. It's bad. I want it bad. 

My stomach hurts. 

My eyes are stinging and I'm not sure why.

I want to cry- but I don't. I want to puke- but I don't. I wan't to sleep- but I don't. I want so many things. I think good things. But they're just not coming. I can feel myself getting questionable judgement. I genuinely don't know what to do now. About anything. 

I thought I ate today. Why do I feel so sick? Did I eat today? I'm so scared of people now. Not in real life I don't think. But in my head. I just want to cry. Is this what being depressed is like? You have a "good" day, you laugh a lot, you get things done, you see your friends- then you go home and cry. About nothing in particular, but you just start crying. You get tired at a reasonable hour- but you can't listen to your body. 

11pm-12am: 

"I'm sleepy. Take me home." 

No, 

"Please, come on, just take me home, we're all tired," 

No, I don't want to speak up. 

"You're going to regret this in the morning,"

I regret everything in the morning. 

"Fine. Screw you." 

I feel like I'm pissing off people that I haven't spoken to in years. How am I doing that? People don't just hate people for no reason. Am I that inconsiderate to others? Here I am- thinking I'm doing a good job, thinking I've progressed. But then someone has a reason to hate me. It's not that I'm a "people pleaser" or whatever. It's that I don't like the idea that I gave someone reason to feel negatively. 

Lately I'm not sure how I feel about myself. I feel like sometimes I get to see myself separate from my body and I hate what I'm watching. I can't stand remembering things I've done or said- it's embarrassing. Even now, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know that girl. I'm not friends with that girl. I don't like that girl. 

I want her to leave. I want to be able to be different. But you can't just decide that over night. You gotta prove to people you're different. You've got to pick something and stick to it. I don't seem to stick to anything anymore. Man- I just don't like myself at all right now. I keep acting stupid. I keep saying things that I know I wouldn't normally say. 

I'm so disappointed in myself. 

As opposed to what? 

Being proud of myself? 

Either way I sound like a total bitch. 

I know why this is happening. It's coming to me now. I'm not close to Him anymore. I'm not letting myself be anyways. It's burning a hole in my pocket for a reason. I sit here talking about wanting to serve a mission, talking about wanting to sacrifice. Talking about wanting to be an example, when I'm so full of crap. When the time actually comes, I just sit there. I wait for someone else to do it. For someone else to speak up. I start swearing along with them. I start saying things are okay when I know they're not. 

I didn't used to be that person. Why'd I let that change? How'd I let that change? How do I go back? 

-No, scratch that. I know exactly how. 

Man, I am so totally disappointed in myself. 

This is gross. 

crucify me

I looked up Jack White on Spotify.
The first song that came on was Would You Fight For My Love.

It's really good. -I think it's really good. I wonder who would fight for my love. Would that boy? I doubt it.. -well maybe that's assuming a lot. I don't know much about him.

"I want to want to stop being alone."
"I want you to fight for all my love."

I want to sleep.
I read that happy people need less sleep to fuel them because happiness serves as a form of energy.
I must not be very happy right now, because it's mid-day and I just want to sleep.

How do you become a self-less person and still take care of yourself?
I don't think it's possible.
Who was the most self-less person you can think of?
For me it's Christ.

..and he got crucified.

Dsmn it.

you can't meet my parents

So there's this boy.
He's older than me.
He has tattoos.
He's in bands.
He's probably not a virgin.
He probably drinks.
He probably smokes.
He's my friend's older brother.

   & I have a huge fan girl crush on him.

So one day God decides to humor me.
This boy asks me to hang out/go on a date- whatever.
This boy takes me to dinner.
This boy takes me to a movie.
This boy holds open the door.
This boy stands closest to the curb.
This boy puts his arm around me.
This boy asks permission to place his hand on my knee.
This boy walks me to the door.

   But I thought that was it, & I was okay with that being it. Because it was incredible.
Only a one hit wonder.

But now God's sense of humor is coming back.
Someone's telling me I might have another chance.
Someone's talking to their mom about me.
Someone's listening to things I've said.
Someone's making an effort.
Someone's thinking about me.
Someone's leaving the continental U.S. of A. soon.

   If this has anything to do with my previous post of wanting someone...
No, it can't.. Seriously? I'm sitting here now listening to The Smiths and The Beatles on repeat. I'm trying to "educate" myself because I want to impress.
That's cheating, I know.
Now it's The Strokes.
This boy has a girlfriend.
I'm not a home wrecker.
I was fine without him for 4+ months.
I'll be fine for longer if that's the case.
I'm just curious now.
I didn't start this.
I'm not ending it though.

How strange, how funny, how little the world is.
Yeah, I want this kid. If only for a little bit.
I still want him. I'll wait my turn though.
I'll refrain from screaming as much.
But I'm still a fan girl.
First & fore most.

twist

How funny.

God has a sense of humor you know. He really does. That's one of the reasons why I love him- fear him- but love him.

A year ago we were all different places. I was in Mexico. She was with that boy. She was with that girl we don't talk to anymore. He was with that girl he's trying to help still. 3 of the 4 were some what close. Closer than we were with the boy.
 But now, a year later.
Where are we?

Not in the dorm or basement or apartment we got. We're home. In our old rooms.
Thinking of the same boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different girl?
Perhaps.

How funny.

Really it's interesting. All of us, we're home. Whether that home is a good or bad place- whether we returned willingly- that's all irrelevant. Which is refreshing to be honest. We're all home.

someone

I can't stop listening to Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.
Well, actually, it's them and Bob Dylan.
I feel weird.
I feel like I'm in love with someone I haven't met yet.
I feeling all these things, I'm missing all of these things, but I don't know what I'm feeling, or who I'm missing.

I feel like I've been transitioning a little too fast.
I don't know.
I just want to be in love again.
I want to have someone to miss. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing. I want to have someone to kiss good bye. I want to have someone to make me laugh when I'm sad. I just want to have someone. But the weird bit is that I don't quite yet feel the need to have someone. So that's kind of a bummer.

I want someone to play with my hair. I want someone to fall asleep next to. I want someone to get sushi with. I want someone to tell me to calm down. I want someone to tell me I'm being stupid. I want someone to sit with me in the library while we study. I want someone to dance to jazz with. I want someone to get tea with. I want someone to stay up late talking with.

I want someone to be there. I want to be there for someone.

I want to rub someone's shoulders when they're tired. I want to kiss someone to sleep. I want to listen to someone tell me about their day. I want to invite someone over to watch movies. I want to make mexican hot chocolate for someone. I want to play a song for someone. I want to wrap a blanket around someone. I want to grab someone's hand when they're scared. I want to be there. I want to be enough. I want to be someone's, someone.

Maybe I do need it. Maybe I don't. I'm not sure. I can't tell. It's feeling all jumbled right now. It feels lost in translation. How do you figure out the difference between needs and wants? It's a new year, I'm hopeful. I know what needs to happen. I just wish I could figure out how it was supposed to happen.
I guess I should be grateful.
Eventually it's bound to happen, no?
Man, I just really want someone.

wait, pause

This is so strange.
I've been reading back on previous posts I made and it all feels so comical.

I was totally in love with that boy.
I WAS IN LOVE.
I was a total psycho bitch to that boy.
I WAS A BITCH. TO SOMEONE I WAS IN LOVE WITH.
I suppressed a lot of feelings towards too many people.
I WAS FAKE.
I made a lot of irrational decisions.
I WAS A DUMB A**.

This is so strange.
I feel like I'm flipping through pages of myself. Every time I stop to read a page, a younger for of me crawls out and sits beside me. I'm listening her/me talk about all of these events and how I thought they took place and how I felt about it all. It's surreal. Sometimes I hate her/me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to where she came from and take her place.

In 2012 I wrote about praying to God for him to send me someone who'd love me. And that fall, He supposedly answered my prayer with my ex. -I still dislike the word ex so much.
That summer I predicted that it wouldn't end well, and winter of that same year my prediction began coming true.

In 2013 I wrote about the end of us. He and I. I was regretful, nostalgic, borderline pathetic really. In the beginning it's scary. Apparently half of that year I was "happy" with him. But really looking back, it looks like I was pretty miserable throughout it all. 

In 2014 I'm off the grid. I don't write much but what I do sounds like a terrible lifetime movie. Planning on running away, living out of a car, swooning over bad boys, remembering old loves, moving out, starting school, etc.

This is so strange.
I need to stop saying that. But I can't think of anything else that'll give it justice. I'm reflecting, and reflecting, I can't tell if I'm proud or disappointed. I'm definitely different, that was inevitable. I've definitely accomplished things so I can't be a total failure. But it's like I'm looking back and I just can't for the life of me figure out how any of this happened.

Currently I'm back in my old room. It's only temporary, but I'm here. There's different clothes hanging, there's different lights up. My hair is much shorter, my face much cleaner. There's different boys in my head. I feel so strange. What happened? Where did those people go? My hair is the same but different. I feel like I've morphed. How did I do that without noticing? There are few people that have remained constant. I'm grateful for them. But what happened? Am I going to have this same thing happen again in another three years? Am I going to look back confused? Where will I be looking back from? This room? Another?

I'm not about predicting the future or anything. I'm not concerned with looking forward as much as I am with looking back. That doesn't sound right. But that's what it is. What am I going to see changed looking back again? Holy hell, I don't want to think about it.

3/15/14
She sat there, across from me with pink eyes that showed me her heart. The lose shirt and greasy hair made me feel at peace. There was hope in her presence. Too many times before had we spoken about our families. The disfunctionality seemed to fester in our homes. But we were different. She would tell me when her heart was sore, and we'd cry in each others arms. We'd seen the gates of hell and laughed. She made me feel human. The kind of human that survives.