3/24/14
I feel torn. Between something I know is right, and something I feel is right. There shouldn't be a difference, but there is. One's in my heart, and one's in my head. But it seems as though I'm not sure which goes where.
Sunday, December 28, 2014
5/29/14
I'm pretty sure I'm trying. I'm giving it my all. I'm trying to stay cool. I'm keeping quiet, I'm speaking up. But it's all wrong. I'm all wrong. I don't know what I'm saying, I don't remember what I'm fighting for. I don't know what I want. I'm doing all theses things, I'm moving forward, I'm making decisions, and for what? I come home, lay down, and feel nothing. It's a whole different feeling. The same one I felt before, but different. It's the numbness, but softer. Deeper. Not as physical, but all kinds of emotional, mental numbness. We have problems and we talk about them, we cry and scream about them. We try to change them, to get over them, to get over him. And we think we do, we trick ourselves into thinking we're moving on, but then you see him, and it all comes rushing back in. I'm sitting here waiting, patiently waiting. Is he going to call? Is he going to show? I'm going out, being proactive, being assertive. Is he going to notice? Is he going to approach me? And nothing. No. He didn't. He won't. He sees you. They see you. And they run. I'm tired of running. And I'm tired of people running from me. I'm doing my best. I'm pretty sure I'm trying. I'm keeping my cool. And nothing is changing.
I'm pretty sure I'm trying. I'm giving it my all. I'm trying to stay cool. I'm keeping quiet, I'm speaking up. But it's all wrong. I'm all wrong. I don't know what I'm saying, I don't remember what I'm fighting for. I don't know what I want. I'm doing all theses things, I'm moving forward, I'm making decisions, and for what? I come home, lay down, and feel nothing. It's a whole different feeling. The same one I felt before, but different. It's the numbness, but softer. Deeper. Not as physical, but all kinds of emotional, mental numbness. We have problems and we talk about them, we cry and scream about them. We try to change them, to get over them, to get over him. And we think we do, we trick ourselves into thinking we're moving on, but then you see him, and it all comes rushing back in. I'm sitting here waiting, patiently waiting. Is he going to call? Is he going to show? I'm going out, being proactive, being assertive. Is he going to notice? Is he going to approach me? And nothing. No. He didn't. He won't. He sees you. They see you. And they run. I'm tired of running. And I'm tired of people running from me. I'm doing my best. I'm pretty sure I'm trying. I'm keeping my cool. And nothing is changing.
Perhaps it's a matter of principle. It's a matter of patience. I took out the piercing. I make up the credit. I walked across the stage and shook their hands. But it's not enough. It's not okay, it's not over. I'm sitting here taking the beating. Learning my place. But it's not enough. My place is never put. My lesson never learned. Is this my fault? Did I do something wrong? No one will tell me. What am I supposed to do? There aren't instructions. I'm making it up as I go. But everyone is telling me that's wrong. I'm tired. I'm burned out. I can't be lit again. That's not an expression. That's not a dramatization. It's me. And that's all there is.
10/16/14
Crap. No, shi-no.
Crap.
I'm eating.
At least today, what the he-.
No.
There's people all around me. Everywhere. But it's like I'm not even here, at least today. I read that article about going without makeup, and I wanted to try it. I'm not completely bare, perhaps I'm just not very confident today, but I feel like nothing. I want to call someone, I want to call him. I just spent 20 dollars on music that makes me sad. Which is stupid because I won't spend money on food, but I'll spend it on nostalgic feelings.
I'm switching from building to building. I'm trying to find a place to make mine, but it seems as though I'll never find it. I was doing well wasn't I? Maybe it's just today. I think that's it, but still. I just want him to want me. It's been a full year and I feel so strange. Some songs don't mean a thing to me anymore, yet others play and I swear I can still feel his lips, literally as if he kissed me 20 minutes ago. I'm not going to entertain the idea by asking stupid questions. I know it's not supposed to be easy, I know I'm going to have my bad days, and perhaps today is just one of those. But I feel especially weak right now. It's just now hit me how close he is. And now strange it is that we don't even speak. I know it's pathetic, but I can't help it today.
Atlas plays in my ears and suddenly we're in that Land Rover again, he's holding my hand as we drive up other canyon and I'm staring at the waterfall as we pass it to avoid his eyes. Why was I so stupid? Why do I care? Why am I not happy right now? I've accomplished things, I've risen above the opposition. I impress, I matter. But not to him, and that. Makes everything feel in vain. How can I be so weak? Why am I still longing for this thing that I'm not even sure was good? Am I not stronger than this?
I'm tired of asking myself questions, stupid questions that I know the answer to. I keep telling myself that it was his loss. That I was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Right? No, that's a terrible thing to say, to assume. But what the hell? Wasn't I?
Crap. No, shi-no.
Crap.
I'm eating.
At least today, what the he-.
No.
There's people all around me. Everywhere. But it's like I'm not even here, at least today. I read that article about going without makeup, and I wanted to try it. I'm not completely bare, perhaps I'm just not very confident today, but I feel like nothing. I want to call someone, I want to call him. I just spent 20 dollars on music that makes me sad. Which is stupid because I won't spend money on food, but I'll spend it on nostalgic feelings.
I'm switching from building to building. I'm trying to find a place to make mine, but it seems as though I'll never find it. I was doing well wasn't I? Maybe it's just today. I think that's it, but still. I just want him to want me. It's been a full year and I feel so strange. Some songs don't mean a thing to me anymore, yet others play and I swear I can still feel his lips, literally as if he kissed me 20 minutes ago. I'm not going to entertain the idea by asking stupid questions. I know it's not supposed to be easy, I know I'm going to have my bad days, and perhaps today is just one of those. But I feel especially weak right now. It's just now hit me how close he is. And now strange it is that we don't even speak. I know it's pathetic, but I can't help it today.
Atlas plays in my ears and suddenly we're in that Land Rover again, he's holding my hand as we drive up other canyon and I'm staring at the waterfall as we pass it to avoid his eyes. Why was I so stupid? Why do I care? Why am I not happy right now? I've accomplished things, I've risen above the opposition. I impress, I matter. But not to him, and that. Makes everything feel in vain. How can I be so weak? Why am I still longing for this thing that I'm not even sure was good? Am I not stronger than this?
I'm tired of asking myself questions, stupid questions that I know the answer to. I keep telling myself that it was his loss. That I was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Right? No, that's a terrible thing to say, to assume. But what the hell? Wasn't I?
sometime in september
I had a terrible dream about my dad the other night.
I don't even want to write it out because it was so terrible and I want to forget it as soon as possible. But anyways, this dream happened, then I went to Salt Lake to buy a bass guitar and hang with some friends and pick up a laptop, and suddenly that night I get a text from my dad.
I'm not close to him, not in the slightest.
I don't really want to be to be honest.
We're just too different.
Or maybe too similar.
Anyways I don't like being with him for too long.
But getting back to the story, he texts me that night and tells me that he's coming back into town.
And now I'm panicking.
I'm sitting in my friends basement apartment trying to do my homework, and obviously not doing it effectively because now we're watching a movie that I've never really liked.
It gives me anxiety, all of it.
One things leads to the next, someone gets eaten, someone misses a train, someone pays for something they can't have.
I don't know how to follow things anymore.
It feels like every time I'm starting to figure something out, someone throws me a curve ball.
I had a terrible dream about my dad the other night.
I don't even want to write it out because it was so terrible and I want to forget it as soon as possible. But anyways, this dream happened, then I went to Salt Lake to buy a bass guitar and hang with some friends and pick up a laptop, and suddenly that night I get a text from my dad.
I'm not close to him, not in the slightest.
I don't really want to be to be honest.
We're just too different.
Or maybe too similar.
Anyways I don't like being with him for too long.
But getting back to the story, he texts me that night and tells me that he's coming back into town.
And now I'm panicking.
I'm sitting in my friends basement apartment trying to do my homework, and obviously not doing it effectively because now we're watching a movie that I've never really liked.
It gives me anxiety, all of it.
One things leads to the next, someone gets eaten, someone misses a train, someone pays for something they can't have.
I don't know how to follow things anymore.
It feels like every time I'm starting to figure something out, someone throws me a curve ball.
11/13/14
I'm supposed to be writing a 5 page biology paper right now. But I can't. I have this song on repeat and I'm just trying to understand who's singing it. Not literally, but figuratively. Which one of us is asking the other to love them? I just want to sit here and cry, but I can't. I don't even know why I want to cry, but I do. There are so many people hurting right now and it's pissing me off. No- I'm not pissed. I just feel hopeless I guess. But for other people. I'm getting behind in silly things. Things that aren't hard at all. I'm just trying to understand how any of this happened.
What am I doing here? Why am I doing any of these things? Are they for me? Are they for others? Does it matter? One minute I'm telling a friend of mine to go to his knees for answers, and the next I feel too ashamed to wear the medallion around my neck. I don't like to look at myself naked. Maybe that's too much information, but I don't really care anymore. I feel like a shell. I feel like there are lots of people putting beautiful bright things in me and I'm helping them fill myself with all these amazing things, but somehow there's a leak. I can't find it, but I know it's there. And everything keeps spilling out.
I'm supposed to be writing a 5 page biology paper right now. But I can't. I have this song on repeat and I'm just trying to understand who's singing it. Not literally, but figuratively. Which one of us is asking the other to love them? I just want to sit here and cry, but I can't. I don't even know why I want to cry, but I do. There are so many people hurting right now and it's pissing me off. No- I'm not pissed. I just feel hopeless I guess. But for other people. I'm getting behind in silly things. Things that aren't hard at all. I'm just trying to understand how any of this happened.
What am I doing here? Why am I doing any of these things? Are they for me? Are they for others? Does it matter? One minute I'm telling a friend of mine to go to his knees for answers, and the next I feel too ashamed to wear the medallion around my neck. I don't like to look at myself naked. Maybe that's too much information, but I don't really care anymore. I feel like a shell. I feel like there are lots of people putting beautiful bright things in me and I'm helping them fill myself with all these amazing things, but somehow there's a leak. I can't find it, but I know it's there. And everything keeps spilling out.
it's good to be home
They're doing it a-f**king-gain.
Again, f**king again.
He's mainly to blame. But you can't blame him. He's acting like he's supportive, like he wants to be involved, like he wants to lead. He wants to sit at the head of the table- expects to sit at the table. last week he wasn't allowed on the property, this week he's cutting into the roast center table like he never left. I want to be so mad at him. I know exactly what he's doing. And that's only because he would always tell me about how he'd win her back whenever he got the f***ing chance.
I feel stupid for censoring myself, but I'm trying to be better while still feeling how I feel. I could do better- but I just have to start like this, at least now.
Literally I can still remember him asking me if I thought she'd start dating again. As if we were in high school together or something. He's asking if she's talking to other men, if she's going out with friends more. What am I supposed to say to that?
"uh, yeah, mom's talking about boys."
No. What- Hell. To. The. No. I didn't like dealing with relationships in high school, I didn't like dealing with relationships, ever. But dealing with my parents divorce met a whole different level of distain. He's stubborn, he's an a**, he's egotistical, he's selfish, he's asking me for tips to get her back.. it's a completely different realm. It's not right on any level. I'm trying to keep myself level headed when the man who make sure the only real relationship I had got shot to hell starts asking me to "help him out".
I get it, he's my dad, but he's never been a friend, he's never been an outlet, a homie, a constant, an anything really. Except for a burden. I know it sounds dramatic, but that really feels like the case. He's my sister's best friend and hero in life, but he's my nothing. He's my embarrassment if anything. Everyone talks about how much I look like him. I guess that's fine and all, but I don't want to be anything like him. I don't like going out in public with him. Before it used to feel like I could never get a word in, but now it's like I'm not even in the room. He'll look at me when it's time to be a trophy child. "oh, this one, she goes to BYU, same with my other one," then nothing. Literally I see his back more than anything when we're out together. That's how he likes it, I know that. So I go along with it to keep the peace.
"keep the peace"
that'd be nice is we ever reached "peace". It's more like keeping the time now.
Maybe I've gotten colder, more mean, maybe I've become a b****. I just don't want to settle anymore. For anything less than what I deserve. Looking back at myself so far I only see a sad person. I know now that it was by choice. Before I only blamed it on other things: people, situations, geographical locations, etc. But I'm tired of that. I see my dad trying to suck up to her and it pisses me off. I shouldn't want to call him out for not being a man. But I do. I see my parents are those girls I avoided in high school. I see my family as that click that loved to pretend everything was cool and awesome when really everyone is just passive aggressive as hell and never says what they mean.
There's a reason I'm a black sheep. That's something to be proud of, that's something to be ashamed of. That's something to frame and mount on the wall, that's something to tuck in the corner of the basement. That's something I should celebrate, that's something I've failed at. It's something I've won, it's something I've lost.
I don't want to sell myself short anymore. That's pissing people off lately, I know that. But I can't change their hearts. If my progression is serving detrimental to someone else, then I don't know, maybe I ought to take my distance. I wish that wasn't the case. But I don't want to stand in my own way anymore, just for the sake of "keeping the peace." I would pray that those people would try to understand. But I can't do much more than that. I'm not a fan of my dad. I'll obey him, I'll stand behind him, but I won't become him. And I won't endorse him.
I'm not a fan of who I was, and I'll do anything in my power to keep myself from becoming that person again. I don't like being home, but I love being in my room. So I think right now, I've established my "home" in my life right now. Which is subject to change, but before that happens, I think I have to find my "room". I don't like being home. God, I hate being home. Where the hell is my room?
Again, f**king again.
He's mainly to blame. But you can't blame him. He's acting like he's supportive, like he wants to be involved, like he wants to lead. He wants to sit at the head of the table- expects to sit at the table. last week he wasn't allowed on the property, this week he's cutting into the roast center table like he never left. I want to be so mad at him. I know exactly what he's doing. And that's only because he would always tell me about how he'd win her back whenever he got the f***ing chance.
I feel stupid for censoring myself, but I'm trying to be better while still feeling how I feel. I could do better- but I just have to start like this, at least now.
Literally I can still remember him asking me if I thought she'd start dating again. As if we were in high school together or something. He's asking if she's talking to other men, if she's going out with friends more. What am I supposed to say to that?
"uh, yeah, mom's talking about boys."
No. What- Hell. To. The. No. I didn't like dealing with relationships in high school, I didn't like dealing with relationships, ever. But dealing with my parents divorce met a whole different level of distain. He's stubborn, he's an a**, he's egotistical, he's selfish, he's asking me for tips to get her back.. it's a completely different realm. It's not right on any level. I'm trying to keep myself level headed when the man who make sure the only real relationship I had got shot to hell starts asking me to "help him out".
I get it, he's my dad, but he's never been a friend, he's never been an outlet, a homie, a constant, an anything really. Except for a burden. I know it sounds dramatic, but that really feels like the case. He's my sister's best friend and hero in life, but he's my nothing. He's my embarrassment if anything. Everyone talks about how much I look like him. I guess that's fine and all, but I don't want to be anything like him. I don't like going out in public with him. Before it used to feel like I could never get a word in, but now it's like I'm not even in the room. He'll look at me when it's time to be a trophy child. "oh, this one, she goes to BYU, same with my other one," then nothing. Literally I see his back more than anything when we're out together. That's how he likes it, I know that. So I go along with it to keep the peace.
"keep the peace"
that'd be nice is we ever reached "peace". It's more like keeping the time now.
Maybe I've gotten colder, more mean, maybe I've become a b****. I just don't want to settle anymore. For anything less than what I deserve. Looking back at myself so far I only see a sad person. I know now that it was by choice. Before I only blamed it on other things: people, situations, geographical locations, etc. But I'm tired of that. I see my dad trying to suck up to her and it pisses me off. I shouldn't want to call him out for not being a man. But I do. I see my parents are those girls I avoided in high school. I see my family as that click that loved to pretend everything was cool and awesome when really everyone is just passive aggressive as hell and never says what they mean.
There's a reason I'm a black sheep. That's something to be proud of, that's something to be ashamed of. That's something to frame and mount on the wall, that's something to tuck in the corner of the basement. That's something I should celebrate, that's something I've failed at. It's something I've won, it's something I've lost.
I don't want to sell myself short anymore. That's pissing people off lately, I know that. But I can't change their hearts. If my progression is serving detrimental to someone else, then I don't know, maybe I ought to take my distance. I wish that wasn't the case. But I don't want to stand in my own way anymore, just for the sake of "keeping the peace." I would pray that those people would try to understand. But I can't do much more than that. I'm not a fan of my dad. I'll obey him, I'll stand behind him, but I won't become him. And I won't endorse him.
I'm not a fan of who I was, and I'll do anything in my power to keep myself from becoming that person again. I don't like being home, but I love being in my room. So I think right now, I've established my "home" in my life right now. Which is subject to change, but before that happens, I think I have to find my "room". I don't like being home. God, I hate being home. Where the hell is my room?
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
shut up, for the love, shut up
I feel so weird. How selfish is that? I'm so tired of myself lately. God, I can't stop thinking about myself it's annoying. Even writing it down, I feel sick to my stomach. I keep remembering that lesson in psychology 3 years ago about how we can never really be selfless. It's literally impossible. That's so depressing. I'm not depressed- the idea is.
" I feel,"
"MY stomach,"
I just want to pull myself apart. I want to slice open all the pieces and pick at it until I figure it out. This is so gross. And it doesn't help that my clothes is drenched in lentil smoke which smells like cigarette smoke, because all smoke (after it settles) smells like cigarette smoke. So now every time I shower- which has resulted to almost two times a day- I change into smoke clothes. I feel disgusting. I can't get clean. It doesn't matter how many times I turn my cheek, how many times I stay quiet, mind my own business, look away, I'm the one that's going home smelling like the result of something someone else smoked.
"I'M the one,"
"I change into smoke,"
Is there no way to express what you're feeling without being so pretentious all the time? All of these sentences start with "I", "me", "I'm", it's exhausting. I've become an expert at running from everyone else, but you can't run from yourself. How cliché is that? How freaking stupid, really stupid and dumb, is that? First off, I hate how I'm feeling, and second, I hate that I'm the one that's feeling it. I'm not trying to be confusing, or cryptic. I don't want to be confused, I just want to be at peace. But it's like half of me is happy, really, truly happy and at peace, and the other half is dying. Not just numb, or dormant- dying. Big things and changes are happening, and they aren't freaking me out, in fact they're really easy to handle almost, even without trying really. But then these tiny things happen, and I know something is wrong. I'm not praying, not as much as I should be. But I feel The Lord still guide my hand. Why is he doing that? It shouldn't be that way, should it? I know it's not me. I'm not the one that's doing all of these things with ease, not alone.
"half of ME is happy,"
"I'M not praying,"
I'm sitting here thinking that He knows me better. That He has plans for me of things that I couldn't even consider right now. But why? It's probably true, but why would he do that? Haven't I been a coaster? Family life was hard but I just wadded through until I could leave. High school seemed like a speed bump I didn't care to slow down for. Being in a serious relationship was hell, straight hell, but I enjoyed it- miss it even. I'm not depressed, I don't need pills. I'm not cutting, I'm not suicidal. I'm just-nothing. I'm coasting again. I'm doing as I'm told. I'm doing what they want. And "they" switches from time to time. I can't tell which ideas are mine, and which have been planted. I'm seeking validation in people that have always disappointed me. I'm going soft. I'm getting weak. But it feels like everyone else is telling me I'm sprouting. I'm sitting here listening to an album that he and I used to make out to. After we split, I used to tear myself apart listening to this. I used to cry the instant it started, remembering that boy. I swear I could still feel him, taste him even. But now, it's just a song. I can't tell if I'm proud, or ashamed. I swear I'm over him, I don't have to prove that to anyone because I know it's true. But it's strange, this song used to mean the world, now it means nothing. I'm not sure what's going on. Am I getting confident? Or careless? It feels like I've gotten everything together, like I've really figured out so much, but then I don't care. I'm seeing this bigger picture, I'm seeing in perspective, then I'm throwing it aside and claiming the bigger picture sucks. But I can't tell if it actually does suck, or if I'm just saying that. It's like I'm going around, asking people to dance with me, I'm all excited and hopeful, but no one wants to dance. The fact that no one wants to dance makes me think that I shouldn't want to dance. But I've never been one to question myself because of others. And even still, it's more than just being insecure. Because it's not being insecure. It's something more.
"I could still feel him,"
"I swear I'm over him,"
It's like a decay. A gif that is my life, of something bright and strong, decaying. Over and over again, it's beautiful and valuable, confident, daring maybe, then suddenly it's a corroded piece of whatever it was before. It's like someone sucked out all my juices and put them in a cup, then set the cup right next to me. It's not gone, it's not ruined, it's just not in me. And I can't put it back in me because the ability to do that left when it was sucked out with the juices. Now what, I pray again? I cry a little, I ask for forgiveness, but I still feel the same.
I'm the same girl that made a mistake and repented.
I'm the same girl that feels so much but feels nothing at all.
I'm the same girl.
Today, tomorrow, forever.
Cut my hair, change the color.
Get different clothes.
Talk different.
Study harder.
Smile more.
Wear makeup.
Move out.
Eat less.
Exercise more.
Never cries.
Tells the truth.
Stays out late.
Takes chances.
But the same.
The exact, same, girl.
" I feel,"
"MY stomach,"
I just want to pull myself apart. I want to slice open all the pieces and pick at it until I figure it out. This is so gross. And it doesn't help that my clothes is drenched in lentil smoke which smells like cigarette smoke, because all smoke (after it settles) smells like cigarette smoke. So now every time I shower- which has resulted to almost two times a day- I change into smoke clothes. I feel disgusting. I can't get clean. It doesn't matter how many times I turn my cheek, how many times I stay quiet, mind my own business, look away, I'm the one that's going home smelling like the result of something someone else smoked.
"I'M the one,"
"I change into smoke,"
Is there no way to express what you're feeling without being so pretentious all the time? All of these sentences start with "I", "me", "I'm", it's exhausting. I've become an expert at running from everyone else, but you can't run from yourself. How cliché is that? How freaking stupid, really stupid and dumb, is that? First off, I hate how I'm feeling, and second, I hate that I'm the one that's feeling it. I'm not trying to be confusing, or cryptic. I don't want to be confused, I just want to be at peace. But it's like half of me is happy, really, truly happy and at peace, and the other half is dying. Not just numb, or dormant- dying. Big things and changes are happening, and they aren't freaking me out, in fact they're really easy to handle almost, even without trying really. But then these tiny things happen, and I know something is wrong. I'm not praying, not as much as I should be. But I feel The Lord still guide my hand. Why is he doing that? It shouldn't be that way, should it? I know it's not me. I'm not the one that's doing all of these things with ease, not alone.
"half of ME is happy,"
"I'M not praying,"
I'm sitting here thinking that He knows me better. That He has plans for me of things that I couldn't even consider right now. But why? It's probably true, but why would he do that? Haven't I been a coaster? Family life was hard but I just wadded through until I could leave. High school seemed like a speed bump I didn't care to slow down for. Being in a serious relationship was hell, straight hell, but I enjoyed it- miss it even. I'm not depressed, I don't need pills. I'm not cutting, I'm not suicidal. I'm just-nothing. I'm coasting again. I'm doing as I'm told. I'm doing what they want. And "they" switches from time to time. I can't tell which ideas are mine, and which have been planted. I'm seeking validation in people that have always disappointed me. I'm going soft. I'm getting weak. But it feels like everyone else is telling me I'm sprouting. I'm sitting here listening to an album that he and I used to make out to. After we split, I used to tear myself apart listening to this. I used to cry the instant it started, remembering that boy. I swear I could still feel him, taste him even. But now, it's just a song. I can't tell if I'm proud, or ashamed. I swear I'm over him, I don't have to prove that to anyone because I know it's true. But it's strange, this song used to mean the world, now it means nothing. I'm not sure what's going on. Am I getting confident? Or careless? It feels like I've gotten everything together, like I've really figured out so much, but then I don't care. I'm seeing this bigger picture, I'm seeing in perspective, then I'm throwing it aside and claiming the bigger picture sucks. But I can't tell if it actually does suck, or if I'm just saying that. It's like I'm going around, asking people to dance with me, I'm all excited and hopeful, but no one wants to dance. The fact that no one wants to dance makes me think that I shouldn't want to dance. But I've never been one to question myself because of others. And even still, it's more than just being insecure. Because it's not being insecure. It's something more.
"I could still feel him,"
"I swear I'm over him,"
It's like a decay. A gif that is my life, of something bright and strong, decaying. Over and over again, it's beautiful and valuable, confident, daring maybe, then suddenly it's a corroded piece of whatever it was before. It's like someone sucked out all my juices and put them in a cup, then set the cup right next to me. It's not gone, it's not ruined, it's just not in me. And I can't put it back in me because the ability to do that left when it was sucked out with the juices. Now what, I pray again? I cry a little, I ask for forgiveness, but I still feel the same.
I'm the same girl that made a mistake and repented.
I'm the same girl that feels so much but feels nothing at all.
I'm the same girl.
Today, tomorrow, forever.
Cut my hair, change the color.
Get different clothes.
Talk different.
Study harder.
Smile more.
Wear makeup.
Move out.
Eat less.
Exercise more.
Never cries.
Tells the truth.
Stays out late.
Takes chances.
But the same.
The exact, same, girl.
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