LUCKY ONES

10/16/14
Crap. No, shi-no.
Crap.
I'm eating.
At least today, what the he-.
No.
There's people all around me. Everywhere. But it's like I'm not even here, at least today. I read that article about going without makeup, and I wanted to try it. I'm not completely bare, perhaps I'm just not very confident today, but I feel like nothing. I want to call someone, I want to call him. I just spent 20 dollars on music that makes me sad. Which is stupid because I won't spend money on food, but I'll spend it on nostalgic feelings.
I'm switching from building to building. I'm trying to find a place to make mine, but it seems as though I'll never find it. I was doing well wasn't I? Maybe it's just today. I think that's it, but still. I just want him to want me. It's been a full year and I feel so strange. Some songs don't mean a thing to me anymore, yet others play and I swear I can still feel his lips, literally as if he kissed me 20 minutes ago. I'm not going to entertain the idea by asking stupid questions. I know it's not supposed to be easy, I know I'm going to have my bad days, and perhaps today is just one of those. But I feel especially weak right now. It's just now hit me how close he is. And now strange it is that we don't even speak. I know it's pathetic, but I can't help it today.
Atlas plays in my ears and suddenly we're in that Land Rover again, he's holding my hand as we drive up other canyon and I'm staring at the waterfall as we pass it to avoid his eyes. Why was I so stupid? Why do I care? Why am I not happy right now? I've accomplished things, I've risen above the opposition. I impress, I matter. But not to him, and that. Makes everything feel in vain. How can I be so weak? Why am I still longing for this thing that I'm not even sure was good? Am I not stronger than this?
I'm tired of asking myself questions, stupid questions that I know the answer to. I keep telling myself that it was his loss. That I was probably the greatest thing that ever happened to him. Right? No, that's a terrible thing to say, to assume. But what the hell? Wasn't I?