it's good to be home

They're doing it a-f**king-gain.
Again, f**king again.

He's mainly to blame. But you can't blame him. He's acting like he's supportive, like he wants to be involved, like he wants to lead. He wants to sit at the head of the table- expects to sit at the table. last week he wasn't allowed on the property, this week he's cutting into the roast center table like he never left. I want to be so mad at him. I know exactly what he's doing. And that's only because he would always tell me about how he'd win her back whenever he got the f***ing chance.

I feel stupid for censoring myself, but I'm trying to be better while still feeling how I feel. I could do better- but I just have to start like this, at least now.

Literally I can still remember him asking me if I thought she'd start dating again. As if we were in high school together or something. He's asking if she's talking to other men, if she's going out with friends more. What am I supposed to say to that?

"uh, yeah, mom's talking about boys."

No. What- Hell. To. The. No. I didn't like dealing with relationships in high school, I didn't like dealing with relationships, ever. But dealing with my parents divorce met a whole different level of distain. He's stubborn, he's an a**, he's egotistical, he's selfish, he's asking me for tips to get her back.. it's a completely different realm. It's not right on any level. I'm trying to keep myself level headed when the man who make sure the only real relationship I had got shot to hell starts asking me to "help him out".

I get it, he's my dad, but he's never been a friend, he's never been an outlet, a homie, a constant, an anything really. Except for a burden. I know it sounds dramatic, but that really feels like the case. He's my sister's best friend and hero in life, but he's my nothing. He's my embarrassment if anything. Everyone talks about how much I look like him. I guess that's fine and all, but I don't want to be anything like him. I don't like going out in public with him. Before it used to feel like I could never get a word in, but now it's like I'm not even in the room. He'll look at me when it's time to be a trophy child. "oh, this one, she goes to BYU, same with my other one," then nothing. Literally I see his back more than anything when we're out together. That's how he likes it, I know that. So I go along with it to keep the peace.

"keep the peace"
that'd be nice is we ever reached "peace". It's more like keeping the time now.

Maybe I've gotten colder, more mean, maybe I've become a b****. I just don't want to settle anymore. For anything less than what I deserve. Looking back at myself so far I only see a sad person. I know now that it was by choice. Before I only blamed it on other things: people, situations, geographical locations, etc. But I'm tired of that. I see my dad trying to suck up to her and it pisses me off. I shouldn't want to call him out for not being a man. But I do. I see my parents are those girls I avoided in high school. I see my family as that click that loved to pretend everything was cool and awesome when really everyone is just passive aggressive as hell and never says what they mean.

There's a reason I'm a black sheep. That's something to be proud of, that's something to be ashamed of. That's something to frame and mount on the wall, that's something to tuck in the corner of the basement. That's something I should celebrate, that's something I've failed at. It's something I've won, it's something I've lost.

I don't want to sell myself short anymore. That's pissing people off lately, I know that. But I can't change their hearts. If my progression is serving detrimental to someone else, then I don't know, maybe I ought to take my distance. I wish that wasn't the case. But I don't want to stand in my own way anymore, just for the sake of "keeping the peace." I would pray that those people would try to understand. But I can't do much more than that. I'm not a fan of my dad. I'll obey him, I'll stand behind him, but I won't become him. And I won't endorse him.

I'm not a fan of who I was, and I'll do anything in my power to keep myself from becoming that person again. I don't like being home, but I love being in my room. So I think right now, I've established my "home" in my life right now. Which is subject to change, but before that happens, I think I have to find my "room". I don't like being home. God, I hate being home. Where the hell is my room?