shut up, for the love, shut up

I feel so weird. How selfish is that? I'm so tired of myself lately. God, I can't stop thinking about myself it's annoying. Even writing it down, I feel sick to my stomach. I keep remembering that lesson in psychology 3 years ago about how we can never really be selfless. It's literally impossible. That's so depressing. I'm not depressed- the idea is.

" I feel,"
"MY stomach,"

I just want to pull myself apart. I want to slice open all the pieces and pick at it until I figure it out. This is so gross. And it doesn't help that my clothes is drenched in lentil smoke which smells like cigarette smoke, because all smoke (after it settles) smells like cigarette smoke. So now every time I shower- which has resulted to almost two times a day- I change into smoke clothes. I feel disgusting. I can't get clean. It doesn't matter how many times I turn my cheek, how many times I stay quiet, mind my own business, look away, I'm the one that's going home smelling like the result of something someone else smoked.

"I'M the one,"
"I change into smoke,"

Is there no way to express what you're feeling without being so pretentious all the time? All of these sentences start with "I", "me", "I'm", it's exhausting. I've become an expert at running from everyone else, but you can't run from yourself. How cliché is that? How freaking stupid, really stupid and dumb, is that? First off, I hate how I'm feeling, and second, I hate that I'm the one that's feeling it. I'm not trying to be confusing, or cryptic. I don't want to be confused, I just want to be at peace. But it's like half of me is happy, really, truly happy and at peace, and the other half is dying. Not just numb, or dormant- dying. Big things and changes are happening, and they aren't freaking me out, in fact they're really easy to handle almost, even without trying really. But then these tiny things happen, and I know something is wrong. I'm not praying, not as much as I should be. But I feel The Lord still guide my hand. Why is he doing that? It shouldn't be that way, should it? I know it's not me. I'm not the one that's doing all of these things with ease, not alone.

"half of ME is happy,"
"I'M not praying,"

I'm sitting here thinking that He knows me better. That He has plans for me of things that I couldn't even consider right now. But why? It's probably true, but why would he do that? Haven't I been a coaster? Family life was hard but I just wadded through until I could leave. High school seemed like a speed bump I didn't care to slow down for. Being in a serious relationship was hell, straight hell, but I enjoyed it- miss it even. I'm not depressed, I don't need pills. I'm not cutting, I'm not suicidal. I'm just-nothing. I'm coasting again. I'm doing as I'm told. I'm doing what they want. And "they" switches from time to time. I can't tell which ideas are mine, and which have been planted. I'm seeking validation in people that have always disappointed me. I'm going soft. I'm getting weak. But it feels like everyone else is telling me I'm sprouting. I'm sitting here listening to an album that he and I used to make out to. After we split, I used to tear myself apart listening to this. I used to cry the instant it started, remembering that boy. I swear I could still feel him, taste him even. But now, it's just a song. I can't tell if I'm proud, or ashamed. I swear I'm over him, I don't have to prove that to anyone because I know it's true. But it's strange, this song used to mean the world, now it means nothing. I'm not sure what's going on. Am I getting confident? Or careless? It feels like I've gotten everything together, like I've really figured out so much, but then I don't care. I'm seeing this bigger picture, I'm seeing in perspective, then I'm throwing it aside and claiming the bigger picture sucks. But I can't tell if it actually does suck, or if I'm just saying that. It's like I'm going around, asking people to dance with me, I'm all excited and hopeful, but no one wants to dance. The fact that no one wants to dance makes me think that I shouldn't want to dance. But I've never been one to question myself because of others. And even still, it's more than just being insecure. Because it's not being insecure. It's something more.

"I could still feel him,"
"I swear I'm over him,"

It's like a decay. A gif that is my life, of something bright and strong, decaying. Over and over again, it's beautiful and valuable, confident, daring maybe, then suddenly it's a corroded piece of whatever it was before. It's like someone sucked out all my juices and put them in a cup, then set the cup right next to me. It's not gone, it's not ruined, it's just not in me. And I can't put it back in me because the ability to do that left when it was sucked out with the juices. Now what, I pray again? I cry a little, I ask for forgiveness, but I still feel the same.
I'm the same girl that made a mistake and repented.
I'm the same girl that feels so much but feels nothing at all.
I'm the same girl.
Today, tomorrow, forever.
Cut my hair, change the color.
Get different clothes.
Talk different.
Study harder.
Smile more.
Wear makeup.
Move out.
Eat less.
Exercise more.
Never cries.
Tells the truth.
Stays out late.
Takes chances.
But the same.
The exact, same, girl.

SHIT HEAD

So I know today's Father's Day 'n all that shit, but I feel as though the only emotion I've been overwhelmed in today is pain. First of all. I'm starving. Literally the only thing I've eaten today was a medium sized pancake at 10:20 am. It's is now roughly 9 pm. Second, today I was confirmed that my parents have absolutely no sense of right and wrong (but that was already a fact so we'll skip the details).
Yes, I am aware that I'm only a teenager, therefore I eat, breathe, and sleep drama, but in my defense, I learned how to act like a 13 year old girl from my forty-something year old mother. Honestly, I've never felt more in a high school drama movie than when I'm with her. But the purpose of this entry isn't to bash on my parents for sucking so bad. The purpose of this entry is to assure myself and anyone else who reads this, that we're all going to be alright. That sounds a little vague I know, but lately I had been feeling so shitty about everything. Seriously, EVERYTHING.
My boyfriend wanted to hold me about a week ago while we were watching Casa Blanca, and I just about broke down crying. It wasn't even a bad hold, in fact, all I wanted the previous week was to be held, and right when the opportunity presented it's self before me.. I cringed. I didn't know what had caused this feeling, but I definitely knew that what ever it was, I had to kick it's ass. My parents aren't fond of my relationship with my boyfriend, and so time spent with him is rare. And here I was distancing myself from the one person that  I ache to be with...

WHAT THE HELL.

So I got over it. Though it felt strange I moved closer to him as he placed his arm around me.
Crap like this has happened way too many times for comfort, and I have a terrible feeling that it'll probably keep happening. And coming to that realization was, for lack of better word, depressing. I started becoming a bitch when I was around him, and other people that I cared a lot about. I spent a week of my summer laying on my bedroom floor, staring at Christmas lights hung on my wall, listening to sad music. I decided that I didn't have any friends. Greasy taco shops and university classrooms became my only companions. I was low, so low, I even began to accept that my life served no purpose.
Another week passed in this limbo and I felt myself go cold inside. It wasn't until a respected friend of mine pulled me aside as asked what my deal was. She said she noticed I was quiet in class, and it upset her, and she wanted to know why. I hadn't expected this, nor did I expect the answer that I gave her, but as tears began to stream down my face I told her that I felt I was never going to escape. I didn't have some amazing talent that could take me somewhere, and I didn't feel myself changing to develop one. I told her that I could see all of my peers changing and progressing, and I saw that I..wasn't. I was still working at my dad's place, I was still getting average grades, I was still the same 138 lbs of mediocre that I was in middle school. Entering my senior year in high school, I had literally, nothing going for me.
 She listened to me carefully, and when I finished wiping away my face she held me tight and said, "Gaby, shit happens, and more often than not you'll be wondering what the hell is going on. But I know you're spirit, and it makes people purr when they leave you because they feel as though they've been stroked when you're around them.." (I'm not entirely sure what the cat analogy meant).."You're a bubbly person, just like me, and who knows where you'll be when you're 53, maybe you'll be alone, or maybe you'll be living your life in love. But it doesn't matter, don't worry about where you will be, just worry about right now. Life's too short to be sad."
And with that she gave me a kiss on the head and we parted our ways. I've never felt so loved by someone I barely knew. My friend lost her husband roughly 2 years ago, and when she did her heart broke. They were so in love, and anyone who saw them could see it. I had only known them, for a couple years, but quickly I realized that I wanted a love like theirs. Regardless of the home that I was brought up in, regardless of the negative things that I associated to marriage, I knew that I could be different. I could find my soul mate and live happily ever after with him. I just needed to be patient, and true to myself.
The other day I was talking to my boyfriend. He told me that he frequently imagined the day of our graduation from high school, and that he imagined that as soon as we walked out of the building, we could be happy, really, truly happy, because I didn't have to worry about my family anymore. As I sat there listening to him say this, I couldn't help but wonder if I would still be sitting with him when I was 53. What if the boy who told me he loved me as a teenager still felt the same way decades later? And then it hit me, I was sitting next to a person I loved, dreaming about the future we could potentially have, instead of enjoying my time with him. It's strange how life works. We can spend hours thinking about what will happen, but nothing will happen, if we don't focus on what were doing. ANYWAYS, this post is almost too long for comfort. Bottom line: don't be a shit head. Just be happy. End.

For. Ever. A. Baby.

Yesterday I almost kissed the boy of my dreams. I was literally an inch or so away from touching his lips with mine. He tucked my hair behind my ear, stroked my cheek with his hand, lifted my chin slowly, leaned in..
And I?
I turned away.
I hid my face, closed my eyes.
I can't do this, I can't. I can't. 

We were so close, his face right next to mine. I could feel his skin radiating it's warmth. I ran my fingers through his hair.
I can't.
I moved away, I sat up. I leaned against the window. I looked outside. It couldn't be more perfect. Soft faint music in the background. We were alone. He was ready. I was ready. It was supposed to happen. But it didn't.
There is no logical explanation for last night. I simply couldn't. So many things ran through my mind. Was it too soon? Was it okay? How did I get here? Why can't I do it? This should be easy. I'm shaking. 

The song ended for the second time. It's obviously not supposed to happen. 
He pressed play again. Damn it.
This is really happening. He really wants to. I really want to. Don't I? 

Cuddling wasn't a problem. Holding hands? Piece of cake. It was all natural. Easy. Meaningful, but easy. And yet, here I sat, next to the greatest thing since portable music. But I couldn't. I glanced at his face, he sat patiently taking in my rejection. I knew what he was thinking.

"It's not that I don't want to. Really, I want to. I'm just scared.. I guess."

He held my arm softly, rolled up the sleeve that had fallen down in my frustration.

"It's okay." 

No it wasn't. I moved in. Held his face, his hand reached up to hold mine too. Our noses touched, his eyelashes grazed my cheekbone as I moved to the side. The song began to reach the climax. If it was going to happen, it'd have to be now. Closer, we came in. I held my breath.. no. I dodged him and moved to the left. Burying my face into his arm. I muttered an apology that sounded so pathetic.

It's happened before. I little less pleasant though. That's how I lost my V.L. (yes, that does stand for Virgin Lips).  But this was different. He was different. He didn't force me to. Which I loved him for. But for the life of me I couldn't let him kiss me. It was too much. I was too scared. I looked out the window again and saw the silhouette of my mother looking at us.

 THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. 

I apologized for the millionth time and said I had to go promising we'd talk later. I rushed inside and went straight to my room. I felt depressed. That was all I had ever wanted. For him to tuck my hair behind my ear. To hold my face, to pull me in. And I had ruined it. I was forever pathetic. Good things happened and I'd run away in a sprint. I was a coward. A chicken. A baby. And I could never take it back.

Hello

    I fairly new at this and honestly a little scared. My best friend has a blog and would often show me some of her posts, from what I gathered it served as an electrical journal if you will, where you could post pictures, videos anything of real significance that people could read, blah, blah, blah. Whether it was entirely public or private, I wasn't completely sure, but still here I am writing my first post because quite frankly I'm incredibly bored/ secretly always wanted one.  Obviously I'm a little late for the "I have my own blog" trend because it seems that a substantial amount of my friend group has had a blog for quite some time. Which is not surprising in the least, I will admit I'm rather slow on the trending scale but nonetheless, here I am. And so begins my online journey of deep thoughts and secret feeling that I'm too scared to share with real people; so why not post them on the worldwide web? Amirite? Here we go.