For. Ever. A. Baby.

Yesterday I almost kissed the boy of my dreams. I was literally an inch or so away from touching his lips with mine. He tucked my hair behind my ear, stroked my cheek with his hand, lifted my chin slowly, leaned in..
And I?
I turned away.
I hid my face, closed my eyes.
I can't do this, I can't. I can't. 

We were so close, his face right next to mine. I could feel his skin radiating it's warmth. I ran my fingers through his hair.
I can't.
I moved away, I sat up. I leaned against the window. I looked outside. It couldn't be more perfect. Soft faint music in the background. We were alone. He was ready. I was ready. It was supposed to happen. But it didn't.
There is no logical explanation for last night. I simply couldn't. So many things ran through my mind. Was it too soon? Was it okay? How did I get here? Why can't I do it? This should be easy. I'm shaking. 

The song ended for the second time. It's obviously not supposed to happen. 
He pressed play again. Damn it.
This is really happening. He really wants to. I really want to. Don't I? 

Cuddling wasn't a problem. Holding hands? Piece of cake. It was all natural. Easy. Meaningful, but easy. And yet, here I sat, next to the greatest thing since portable music. But I couldn't. I glanced at his face, he sat patiently taking in my rejection. I knew what he was thinking.

"It's not that I don't want to. Really, I want to. I'm just scared.. I guess."

He held my arm softly, rolled up the sleeve that had fallen down in my frustration.

"It's okay." 

No it wasn't. I moved in. Held his face, his hand reached up to hold mine too. Our noses touched, his eyelashes grazed my cheekbone as I moved to the side. The song began to reach the climax. If it was going to happen, it'd have to be now. Closer, we came in. I held my breath.. no. I dodged him and moved to the left. Burying my face into his arm. I muttered an apology that sounded so pathetic.

It's happened before. I little less pleasant though. That's how I lost my V.L. (yes, that does stand for Virgin Lips).  But this was different. He was different. He didn't force me to. Which I loved him for. But for the life of me I couldn't let him kiss me. It was too much. I was too scared. I looked out the window again and saw the silhouette of my mother looking at us.

 THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. 

I apologized for the millionth time and said I had to go promising we'd talk later. I rushed inside and went straight to my room. I felt depressed. That was all I had ever wanted. For him to tuck my hair behind my ear. To hold my face, to pull me in. And I had ruined it. I was forever pathetic. Good things happened and I'd run away in a sprint. I was a coward. A chicken. A baby. And I could never take it back.