shut up, for the love, shut up

I feel so weird. How selfish is that? I'm so tired of myself lately. God, I can't stop thinking about myself it's annoying. Even writing it down, I feel sick to my stomach. I keep remembering that lesson in psychology 3 years ago about how we can never really be selfless. It's literally impossible. That's so depressing. I'm not depressed- the idea is.

" I feel,"
"MY stomach,"

I just want to pull myself apart. I want to slice open all the pieces and pick at it until I figure it out. This is so gross. And it doesn't help that my clothes is drenched in lentil smoke which smells like cigarette smoke, because all smoke (after it settles) smells like cigarette smoke. So now every time I shower- which has resulted to almost two times a day- I change into smoke clothes. I feel disgusting. I can't get clean. It doesn't matter how many times I turn my cheek, how many times I stay quiet, mind my own business, look away, I'm the one that's going home smelling like the result of something someone else smoked.

"I'M the one,"
"I change into smoke,"

Is there no way to express what you're feeling without being so pretentious all the time? All of these sentences start with "I", "me", "I'm", it's exhausting. I've become an expert at running from everyone else, but you can't run from yourself. How cliché is that? How freaking stupid, really stupid and dumb, is that? First off, I hate how I'm feeling, and second, I hate that I'm the one that's feeling it. I'm not trying to be confusing, or cryptic. I don't want to be confused, I just want to be at peace. But it's like half of me is happy, really, truly happy and at peace, and the other half is dying. Not just numb, or dormant- dying. Big things and changes are happening, and they aren't freaking me out, in fact they're really easy to handle almost, even without trying really. But then these tiny things happen, and I know something is wrong. I'm not praying, not as much as I should be. But I feel The Lord still guide my hand. Why is he doing that? It shouldn't be that way, should it? I know it's not me. I'm not the one that's doing all of these things with ease, not alone.

"half of ME is happy,"
"I'M not praying,"

I'm sitting here thinking that He knows me better. That He has plans for me of things that I couldn't even consider right now. But why? It's probably true, but why would he do that? Haven't I been a coaster? Family life was hard but I just wadded through until I could leave. High school seemed like a speed bump I didn't care to slow down for. Being in a serious relationship was hell, straight hell, but I enjoyed it- miss it even. I'm not depressed, I don't need pills. I'm not cutting, I'm not suicidal. I'm just-nothing. I'm coasting again. I'm doing as I'm told. I'm doing what they want. And "they" switches from time to time. I can't tell which ideas are mine, and which have been planted. I'm seeking validation in people that have always disappointed me. I'm going soft. I'm getting weak. But it feels like everyone else is telling me I'm sprouting. I'm sitting here listening to an album that he and I used to make out to. After we split, I used to tear myself apart listening to this. I used to cry the instant it started, remembering that boy. I swear I could still feel him, taste him even. But now, it's just a song. I can't tell if I'm proud, or ashamed. I swear I'm over him, I don't have to prove that to anyone because I know it's true. But it's strange, this song used to mean the world, now it means nothing. I'm not sure what's going on. Am I getting confident? Or careless? It feels like I've gotten everything together, like I've really figured out so much, but then I don't care. I'm seeing this bigger picture, I'm seeing in perspective, then I'm throwing it aside and claiming the bigger picture sucks. But I can't tell if it actually does suck, or if I'm just saying that. It's like I'm going around, asking people to dance with me, I'm all excited and hopeful, but no one wants to dance. The fact that no one wants to dance makes me think that I shouldn't want to dance. But I've never been one to question myself because of others. And even still, it's more than just being insecure. Because it's not being insecure. It's something more.

"I could still feel him,"
"I swear I'm over him,"

It's like a decay. A gif that is my life, of something bright and strong, decaying. Over and over again, it's beautiful and valuable, confident, daring maybe, then suddenly it's a corroded piece of whatever it was before. It's like someone sucked out all my juices and put them in a cup, then set the cup right next to me. It's not gone, it's not ruined, it's just not in me. And I can't put it back in me because the ability to do that left when it was sucked out with the juices. Now what, I pray again? I cry a little, I ask for forgiveness, but I still feel the same.
I'm the same girl that made a mistake and repented.
I'm the same girl that feels so much but feels nothing at all.
I'm the same girl.
Today, tomorrow, forever.
Cut my hair, change the color.
Get different clothes.
Talk different.
Study harder.
Smile more.
Wear makeup.
Move out.
Eat less.
Exercise more.
Never cries.
Tells the truth.
Stays out late.
Takes chances.
But the same.
The exact, same, girl.

Boyfriends & Cuddling

    So a couple months ago I went on a hike with my sister and best friend. We stole our mother's car while she was out of town and did things we weren't proud of. All in preparation for homecoming that was that following weekend. Needless to say, we were flyin' like paper and gettin' high like planes.

Anyways, we got in deep with our folks when they came back, but luckily I was still able to figure out Homecoming at the last second and had literally one of the greatest nights of my life.

YEAH. My group was just dynamite. We pretty much turned every head at the dance. All of us were having the time of our lives and didn't care who saw, as long as we were all sore for a good two days (which we most definitely were) nothing else mattered. But unfortunately the date did eventually end, and the dream of being completely paid for and served to was over. And that's when I started to think.. I could use a boyfriend.

Especially for the incoming fall weather, having someone to cuddle with and talk to for hours sounded only logical this time of the year. And so my quest began. But don't get me wrong, I know what's realistic and what's fantasy, I mean I wasn't asking for Zayn,

 

or Harry,

 

or Louis.

Although, I wouldn't mind.

No, but seriously. Just someone who would think the world of me, even if I was wearing a weird flannel shirt and no makeup on. I honestly only had a few qualities that I felt were a must, but even then I could be flexible. I being far from perfect myself, didn't expect some gracious god from beyond the veil to come galloping horse back into my life, just when I wanted it most. But yet, it almost feels like that's exactly what happened. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for a "fling" but not exactly a "full time bf/gf relationship". I just wanted some one to like, that liked me back, and maybe some occasional cuddling. But seriously, on an incredibly serious note, I couldn't thank my Heavenly Father more for the chain of events that happened next.

I'm sitting in this boy's basement (same boy from " unspoken secrets & boy's sweaters") and he's telling me a story about when he made a fort with a friend and this couch had a wolf spider crawled up in the cracks and crevices of it.
    
          SIDE NOTE: I'm almost 100% sure that I have arachnephobia. Literally just the mention of a spider  has the potential to send me into a panic attack. It's seriously the worst thing of my life. Anyways, back to the story.

At the mention of this creepy crawler I lose it.. literally. I pace the room trying to brush off potential mental tarantellas crawling all over my body and can seem to only mutter grunts of frustration and the occasional "ew". This boy however in the midst of laughing is trying to calm me down and get me to sit back on the couch that we were on. But I being the hopeless terrified female that I pathetically am, cannot seem to contain myself for my life. He then takes matters into his own hands, and long story short, ends up holding my hand and hugging me with his other arm as I attempt to control my breathing. "It's okay," and "I won't let them get you." are the only things I'm hearing as he starts to get more and more comfortable with me in his arms. Eventually I'm calm, and then it just turns into a full on cuddle session, where he's still holding my hand laying next to me. Our time together progresses and next thing I know, I'm resting my head on his shoulder under his chin while gripping his arm, and his hand is stroking mine as we turn into each other. I honestly can't give you the complete details because it all was just so incredibly natural and wonderful all I could focus on was how good it felt to be held so softly and have him so close to me.. After a few moments of this amazing bliss, his phone buzzes as he receives a text from his sister asking him to pick her up. We both read the message together, and just look at each other sadly because it means we'll have to move. But you see, we couldn't. It was some sort of trance that comes with finding another person who fits next to your body so perfectly that never makes you want to leave their side. And yet, we both knew we had too. So with a humorous tone that I seem to so graciously place in anything I say I turn to him and go," I can't breathe, I'm literally smuggling myself in you. " Luckily I struck gold with this kid, and when ever I make a stupid comment like this he just laughs and confirms to me that I AM actually funny, and I'M NOT and idiot, and that he DOES want to spend time with me.

Needless to say he makes me ecstatic, I only know a very few number of boys if any that can take a terrifying thing like a spider panic attack and turn it into the most beautiful, fantastic cuddle session on this earth. And more than once might I add did this happen, and the fact that I had to pee the whole time didn't even faze me, cause if it meant leaving this kid, I'd let my bladder full on explode. Like jumping off a cliff and not caring if you die cause you just cuddled. That's  how great it was.

Honestly, I think this might be real guys. I think we might have something special here. I think it's so heart breaking to leave the warmth from his body when we're together. I think I'm really feeling something for this kid. I think I have a boyfriend.

Which is kind of a big deal, for me.