Our Own Pretty Ways

I came upon this picture that my friend Eva took of me one day last year. 

It was around the same time, and same weather condition as today. 

We were sitting at the top of a parking terrace listening to music. 

I'm not sure if I'm scratching my head or just in disbelief of something, but I kind of like it.

It's simple. 

I'm not posing.

 I'm just me. 

And I like it. 

This picture got me thinking of the things I do:

How I conduct myself. 

How I talk to people.  

How weird I am. 

And I don't know why -but then again, I rarely ever do- I remembered the boy who has been on my mind lately. Just yesterday he told me he loved how weird I was. 

He said it made me interesting, and made him want to be around me. 

I don't know how much of that was true, and how much of that he said just so I'd let him hold my hand, but I feel like maybe there are people who appreciate the differences in other people. 

That maybe, everyone has someone who loves that little weird thing they do. 

And that maybe, instead of blowing it off half-heartedly we should hold on to those things, because it sets us apart. 

Because some one will love it, or rather, already does. 

Today I decided that my weirdness is okay. 

That I shouldn't be ashamed or embarrassed of it. 

It's something that people recognize me for. 

Something they long.

A difference in a sea of normal and ordinary. 

And that's enough for me. 

GAH.

There are feelings in me I don't know how to express. 

I want to stop thinking about it and just do, but I stop myself. 

WHY DO I STOP MYSELF

I know what I want

 I know that it's real

I know that it's in my reach and I keep second guessing,

over analyzing, psyching myself out. 

 GAH, don't I know it's okay? 

Mon Ami Eva

There is this girl I know.
She really cute & really good at taking pictures.
                                 

this is her as a baby, with her sister, in the white hood being all innocent and chubby and bite-your-cheeks-off-cute

this is when she teaches folk dancing at the tops of parking garages

this is her with a flower in her mouth, being the most beautiful girl in the room 

NBD

this is when she was speaking to me with her eyes in the crazy way she does

this is a picture a friend of mine sent me of her, and asked me to help him "edit" it when in reality he just wanted me to know how perfect it was. 

and the CocoRosie song we kept playing even when your father told us it was too depressing and we had to change the song. 

She's a really great girl, and I love her so much. For telling me things I didn't want to hear but needed to. For showing me the best music I would ever put in my ears. For making my life so much better than it would have been with out her. For helping me choose to be better. And so many other things I don't care to bore you people with. But truly, biggest blessing in my life is this girl right here. 

Te amo Eva. 

"Your future is a bright as your faith "

*************

i might consider owning a cat one day

you said it's worth it.

I said it's not. 

you say I'm worth it.

I say you're not. 

you're willing to deal with it.

I can't let you.

you want to fight, for me.

I don't want you to get hurt.

For. Ever. A. Baby.

Yesterday I almost kissed the boy of my dreams. I was literally an inch or so away from touching his lips with mine. He tucked my hair behind my ear, stroked my cheek with his hand, lifted my chin slowly, leaned in..
And I?
I turned away.
I hid my face, closed my eyes.
I can't do this, I can't. I can't. 

We were so close, his face right next to mine. I could feel his skin radiating it's warmth. I ran my fingers through his hair.
I can't.
I moved away, I sat up. I leaned against the window. I looked outside. It couldn't be more perfect. Soft faint music in the background. We were alone. He was ready. I was ready. It was supposed to happen. But it didn't.
There is no logical explanation for last night. I simply couldn't. So many things ran through my mind. Was it too soon? Was it okay? How did I get here? Why can't I do it? This should be easy. I'm shaking. 

The song ended for the second time. It's obviously not supposed to happen. 
He pressed play again. Damn it.
This is really happening. He really wants to. I really want to. Don't I? 

Cuddling wasn't a problem. Holding hands? Piece of cake. It was all natural. Easy. Meaningful, but easy. And yet, here I sat, next to the greatest thing since portable music. But I couldn't. I glanced at his face, he sat patiently taking in my rejection. I knew what he was thinking.

"It's not that I don't want to. Really, I want to. I'm just scared.. I guess."

He held my arm softly, rolled up the sleeve that had fallen down in my frustration.

"It's okay." 

No it wasn't. I moved in. Held his face, his hand reached up to hold mine too. Our noses touched, his eyelashes grazed my cheekbone as I moved to the side. The song began to reach the climax. If it was going to happen, it'd have to be now. Closer, we came in. I held my breath.. no. I dodged him and moved to the left. Burying my face into his arm. I muttered an apology that sounded so pathetic.

It's happened before. I little less pleasant though. That's how I lost my V.L. (yes, that does stand for Virgin Lips).  But this was different. He was different. He didn't force me to. Which I loved him for. But for the life of me I couldn't let him kiss me. It was too much. I was too scared. I looked out the window again and saw the silhouette of my mother looking at us.

 THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING. 

I apologized for the millionth time and said I had to go promising we'd talk later. I rushed inside and went straight to my room. I felt depressed. That was all I had ever wanted. For him to tuck my hair behind my ear. To hold my face, to pull me in. And I had ruined it. I was forever pathetic. Good things happened and I'd run away in a sprint. I was a coward. A chicken. A baby. And I could never take it back.

Eye of The Tiger

    Today I came home and watched some of Rocky I and II. I spent most of the time thinking about yesterday and the events that took place, and pictured what they'd be like if I was older, and married to a heavy weight world champion. I wondered if I'd stand by in silence while my man beat himself up- like Adrian (his wife) does- or would I be in his face telling him him I loved him, and encouraging him to push harder and what not.

    Even as I'm writing this post listening to Beach House. I'm looking at my mini schnauzer, who seems to have such human characteristics in her behavior, and thinking about what it'll be like when I have real babies of my own. It sounds dumb and weird, but unlike other people's relationships with their pets, I often think about small gestures like petting and such with my puppy, and what they really mean. I wonder if she really knows that I love her. If she can sense how important she is to me even though she doesn't understand english. I can't help but think that now I sound like those crazy pet people that prefer to talk to animals as opposed to real humans. Which I assure you I most definitely am not, but you get the idea.

    And then on top of that, I'm currently wearing a boy's flannel shirt that he gave me only a few hours ago because he says it doesn't "fit him like it used to". Even though I made him try it on, and when it fit like a glove he simply said it just isn't the same and he'd much rather it be in my possession. It makes me laugh because I know he loves this shirt, and it's fits him just fine, but it's little things like giving your favorite flannel away that makes us stick out like a sore thumb that we're just overcome with love for someone.

    All of these small insignificant things have been pushing me into this world wind of what life will be like when I'm married and have my own family. I wonder if I'll be able to convince my husband I love him when he's at his lowest point. I wonder if my kids will know how much they mean to me. I wonder if my husband will let me borrow his favorite flannel when we're older and I'm cold. More than anything I just want to know that I'll be able to establish real love in my home.

    But back to the movie.. when Apollo is training Rocky to have his final fight, Rocky starts to lose his motivation and seems to give up completely in the middle of his training. Apollo then screams at him asking what the hell his problem is and why he's not trying anymore. Then he say's some thing great.

"See that look in their eyes, Rock? You gotta get that look back, Rock. Eye of the tiger, man."

    Now, I'm no philosopher on interpreting metaphors, but this just gives me chills. Weird connection I know, but I want to have the Eye of the Tiger. I don't want to have to say anything to let people know how I feel. I just want to have to look at them square in the eye for 2, 3 seconds tops, and they'll know what's up. My husband and children will only need to see my eyes to know I love them. Not that I wouldn't want to say it out loud, but we'll just have this connection where we can communicate without words. And it'll be just a meaningful.

    I know I think about future life more than normal people my age, but there is honestly nothing in this world that'd I'd want more than my own loving family. To be so sure of someone's love, and feel that constantly and equally with them I think is nothing short of the greatest thing on this planet. And then to be able to make life with that special person that literally serves as the prefect mixture of the two of you and watch that life grow. Freak. That's just amazing to me. I can't wait to be in love.

YO ADRIAN! I DID IT!

Boyfriends & Cuddling

    So a couple months ago I went on a hike with my sister and best friend. We stole our mother's car while she was out of town and did things we weren't proud of. All in preparation for homecoming that was that following weekend. Needless to say, we were flyin' like paper and gettin' high like planes.

Anyways, we got in deep with our folks when they came back, but luckily I was still able to figure out Homecoming at the last second and had literally one of the greatest nights of my life.

YEAH. My group was just dynamite. We pretty much turned every head at the dance. All of us were having the time of our lives and didn't care who saw, as long as we were all sore for a good two days (which we most definitely were) nothing else mattered. But unfortunately the date did eventually end, and the dream of being completely paid for and served to was over. And that's when I started to think.. I could use a boyfriend.

Especially for the incoming fall weather, having someone to cuddle with and talk to for hours sounded only logical this time of the year. And so my quest began. But don't get me wrong, I know what's realistic and what's fantasy, I mean I wasn't asking for Zayn,

 

or Harry,

 

or Louis.

Although, I wouldn't mind.

No, but seriously. Just someone who would think the world of me, even if I was wearing a weird flannel shirt and no makeup on. I honestly only had a few qualities that I felt were a must, but even then I could be flexible. I being far from perfect myself, didn't expect some gracious god from beyond the veil to come galloping horse back into my life, just when I wanted it most. But yet, it almost feels like that's exactly what happened. And don't get me wrong, I wasn't looking for a "fling" but not exactly a "full time bf/gf relationship". I just wanted some one to like, that liked me back, and maybe some occasional cuddling. But seriously, on an incredibly serious note, I couldn't thank my Heavenly Father more for the chain of events that happened next.

I'm sitting in this boy's basement (same boy from " unspoken secrets & boy's sweaters") and he's telling me a story about when he made a fort with a friend and this couch had a wolf spider crawled up in the cracks and crevices of it.
    
          SIDE NOTE: I'm almost 100% sure that I have arachnephobia. Literally just the mention of a spider  has the potential to send me into a panic attack. It's seriously the worst thing of my life. Anyways, back to the story.

At the mention of this creepy crawler I lose it.. literally. I pace the room trying to brush off potential mental tarantellas crawling all over my body and can seem to only mutter grunts of frustration and the occasional "ew". This boy however in the midst of laughing is trying to calm me down and get me to sit back on the couch that we were on. But I being the hopeless terrified female that I pathetically am, cannot seem to contain myself for my life. He then takes matters into his own hands, and long story short, ends up holding my hand and hugging me with his other arm as I attempt to control my breathing. "It's okay," and "I won't let them get you." are the only things I'm hearing as he starts to get more and more comfortable with me in his arms. Eventually I'm calm, and then it just turns into a full on cuddle session, where he's still holding my hand laying next to me. Our time together progresses and next thing I know, I'm resting my head on his shoulder under his chin while gripping his arm, and his hand is stroking mine as we turn into each other. I honestly can't give you the complete details because it all was just so incredibly natural and wonderful all I could focus on was how good it felt to be held so softly and have him so close to me.. After a few moments of this amazing bliss, his phone buzzes as he receives a text from his sister asking him to pick her up. We both read the message together, and just look at each other sadly because it means we'll have to move. But you see, we couldn't. It was some sort of trance that comes with finding another person who fits next to your body so perfectly that never makes you want to leave their side. And yet, we both knew we had too. So with a humorous tone that I seem to so graciously place in anything I say I turn to him and go," I can't breathe, I'm literally smuggling myself in you. " Luckily I struck gold with this kid, and when ever I make a stupid comment like this he just laughs and confirms to me that I AM actually funny, and I'M NOT and idiot, and that he DOES want to spend time with me.

Needless to say he makes me ecstatic, I only know a very few number of boys if any that can take a terrifying thing like a spider panic attack and turn it into the most beautiful, fantastic cuddle session on this earth. And more than once might I add did this happen, and the fact that I had to pee the whole time didn't even faze me, cause if it meant leaving this kid, I'd let my bladder full on explode. Like jumping off a cliff and not caring if you die cause you just cuddled. That's  how great it was.

Honestly, I think this might be real guys. I think we might have something special here. I think it's so heart breaking to leave the warmth from his body when we're together. I think I'm really feeling something for this kid. I think I have a boyfriend.

Which is kind of a big deal, for me.