I don't have my book with me, but I have to write it down for my own sake.
So if anyone actually reads this stuff you'll just have to buckle down & bare with me.

Jan 21.
Held hands.
Jan 22.
Talk.
Jan 28. 
Kissed.
Jan 29. 
"I love you"
Jan 30.
The lake.
Jan 31. 
Sushi date w/A&C

I CAN'T
BELIEVE
ANY OF THIS
IS REAL.

It's fast.
No one needs to tell me that.
I know it.
It's so fast.

It's easy.
I feel like it's someone I've known for a really long time.
Even though that's not the case, that's how I feel.
It's easy to feel safe.
It's easy to feel confident, about my feelings, about his.

It's weird.
I thought I'd at least be scared at first.
I thought I'd feel something holding me back.
That's what always happens.
I'd feel anxious.
I'd want to run.
I'd start to cry.

But this was completely different.
I feel strong.
I feel confident.
I don't have to watch him, or take care of him, or make sure he's okay.
It doesn't matter.
He is him, and I am her.
It feels like two individuals, being independent, but in sync.

I feel so positive and happy with him.
It's strange. I can't do it justice, the words won't come.
It just feels so much better than before.
It feels so right.

I don't feel wounded.
I don't feel dependent.
I don't feel pitied.

I feel appreciated.
I feel respected.
I feel bold.

I'm happy.
I'm not expecting anything.
I'm not planning anything.
I'm just happy.

hiding

I feel fine.
Just now- just barely- they cut again.
But I feel fine.

I feel a little scared, a little stupid, a little frustrated.
I cried hard, but not for long- so that's good.
That's really good.

I want to say something- but I'm not going to.
It's not going to be like that this time.
This time it's going to be different.
It's already very different.
So I intend to keep it that way.

I deserve this.
I'm not going to stand in my own way.
I'm not going to let them stand in my way.
-with reason I mean.

Anyways..
Everyone is hurting right now.
Everyone I love is hurting.
I've been so used to doing things about it.
But I just want to hide now.

I know it's not good.
I know it's not productive.
-but it's not painful.
and I know I'm alright with that for now.

"Tomorrow I'll be faster.
I'll catch what I've been chasing after & have time to play.
But I'm quite alright hiding today."

come what may.

"And you know that she's half crazy but that's why you wanna be there,
And she feeds you tea and oranges that come all the way from China,
And just when you mean to tell her that you have no love to give her,
Then she gets you on her wavelength and she lets the river answer,
That you've always been her lover."

"And you want to travel with her,
And you want to travel blind,
And you know that she will trust you,
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind."

I think distance is key to any relationship. 
I think I need to leave- really leave for a while. 
I think I should go off the grid. 
I think I'll do just that. 
I'm going off the grid. 

f*cking mascara & f*cking lipstick

there's f*cking mascara on my keyboard.

I'm so pissed this is making me this mad. 

I'm really weird and stupid when it comes to money. 

I don't like to spend it- rather I don't like the idea of spending it. 

I don' t know- the point is I don't like money. 

but I feel justified when I'm spending on good quality things. 

-god damn. I don't have the patience to explain it all. 

my mom is such a bitch sometimes. 

I hate that I call her that. 

I hate that I let myself feel this way towards her. 

But I'm just so f*cking pissed right now. 

I spent $30 on lipstick.

I know that's stupid. 

I know I can't afford it. 

I know I'm an idiot. 

But it was my money- and I wanted do, and it's done with now so whatever. 

But she asks for lipstick. 

My mom. 

I don't want to give her any. 

I'm pretty resistant to do anything for people in my family. 

They just have a way of literally ruining anything and everything. 

Anyways I fight this urge and give her the damn lipstick.

and I literally get it back with teeth marks all over it. 

God this is so stupid that it's making me this mad. 

And I know I sound like a stupid bitch whining about lipstick. 

God I feel so pretentious. 

But in all seriousness it's not about the f*cking lipstick. 

it's the fact that when I come to her asking for an explanation she has some dumb ass excuse about testing over bites or some shit- and to be honest I don't give a damn about what she has to say because all I can see is $30 going down the f*cking drain. 

I know it's just lipstick. I f*cking know. It's JUST lipstick. 

But God. I can't f*cking get over the fact that I'm never allowed to be upset. 

As soon as I start talking she's freaking at me. 

"you have a devil's spirit in you."

"all the neighbors know what type of spirit you have." 

"you can't afford to act this way."

GAHHH. WHAT THE F*CK. 

You're the one that ruined My stuff. Remember? 

I'm allowed to be pissed if I so f*cking feel the desire. 

You didn't spend shit on it so of course you don't give a f*cking damn. 

But no- when it comes to something bigger then you're ready to put your shitty hands all over it. 

Remember how you didn't pay a f*cking cent for me to go to college? 

Remember how you'd make me pay for half of the bill in high school? 

Remember how it had to come out of my pocket if I ever wanted to play sports or an instrument? 

Remember how I had to spend my money on groceries for your gluttonous pricks? 

Remember how I was the one working my ass off in school to help you make sure the water was still running in the house? 

God damn, and now that I'm kind of on my feet your asking me for favors. 

& You giving me shit for getting a C in biology because you "worked so hard to get me to college." 

You didn't lift a damn finger to help me get here. 

I'm so tired of hearing that shit. 

I got to school in spite of you. 

Striving to be what you weren't is what got me here. 

And now that I'm f*cking here you use me as your trophy wife. 

It doesn't matter if I've done better or more than you ever did. 

All you've ever known is shit. 

Even if I've risen above it. 

That's all you'll ever see me as. 

I think that's what I'm seeing. 

I can buy new clothes. 

I can go to a good school. 

I can move out. 

I can travel. 

I can develop talents. 

But you don't give a shit. 

And I'm the one that ends up alone crying over "lipstick" 

I don't even know what I'm f*cking saying. 

I'm just sick of how you still manage to make me look like the idiot.

I'm not crying over f*cking lipstick. 

I'm crying because you don't give a shit about anyone but yourself. 

I'm crying because I still let it bother me when you disappoint. 

I'm crying because I refrain from doing things because I worry how it'll effect you. 

I'm crying because I had to become the adult to take care of you. 

& I'm crying because you're completely okay with that. 

bob, bon, chris, jack

I'm crying. Literally over the weirdest memories.

My *sister is in another part of town.
Further south.
She & I are reminiscing.

So strange what a few songs can do to someone.
We listen at the same time and just cry.
I can't hold her, or wipe away her tears- but I can feel her.
A picture every now and then.
It's all too real.

I'm crying with someone, that's not even here.
I don't know who I'm crying for, if I'm crying for anyone.
I just wanna cry, you know?
Do you ever just want to cry?
Like a cleansing.
Something like that, I don't know.

Another song.
Another picture.
Another feeling.

Someone's hair is moving in the wind.
Someone's breath is getting shorter.
Someone's heart is racing.

I don't remember what you feel like.
I don't remember how we loved.


I'm so happy I don't remember. .


Sobbing like an idiot.
I'm so happy to be empty.
You're finally gone. I don't feel you at all.
I'm trying to trigger something, to see if it's real.
I picture your kisses..
but they're gone!!

Ha, I have to stop to wipe my face.
There's a sad smile.
But it's a smile nonetheless.

No "screw you", No "have a nice life".
Just nothing.
Nothing more I could possibly feel towards you.

I'm not even sure who this is to.
Haha.
I'm crying- a lot.
And it feels so damn good.

wake up

You know how people always talk about wanting to be able to see themselves from an outsiders perspective? Well I can't stop thinking about that. It's bad. I want it bad. 

My stomach hurts. 

My eyes are stinging and I'm not sure why.

I want to cry- but I don't. I want to puke- but I don't. I wan't to sleep- but I don't. I want so many things. I think good things. But they're just not coming. I can feel myself getting questionable judgement. I genuinely don't know what to do now. About anything. 

I thought I ate today. Why do I feel so sick? Did I eat today? I'm so scared of people now. Not in real life I don't think. But in my head. I just want to cry. Is this what being depressed is like? You have a "good" day, you laugh a lot, you get things done, you see your friends- then you go home and cry. About nothing in particular, but you just start crying. You get tired at a reasonable hour- but you can't listen to your body. 

11pm-12am: 

"I'm sleepy. Take me home." 

No, 

"Please, come on, just take me home, we're all tired," 

No, I don't want to speak up. 

"You're going to regret this in the morning,"

I regret everything in the morning. 

"Fine. Screw you." 

I feel like I'm pissing off people that I haven't spoken to in years. How am I doing that? People don't just hate people for no reason. Am I that inconsiderate to others? Here I am- thinking I'm doing a good job, thinking I've progressed. But then someone has a reason to hate me. It's not that I'm a "people pleaser" or whatever. It's that I don't like the idea that I gave someone reason to feel negatively. 

Lately I'm not sure how I feel about myself. I feel like sometimes I get to see myself separate from my body and I hate what I'm watching. I can't stand remembering things I've done or said- it's embarrassing. Even now, thinking about it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know that girl. I'm not friends with that girl. I don't like that girl. 

I want her to leave. I want to be able to be different. But you can't just decide that over night. You gotta prove to people you're different. You've got to pick something and stick to it. I don't seem to stick to anything anymore. Man- I just don't like myself at all right now. I keep acting stupid. I keep saying things that I know I wouldn't normally say. 

I'm so disappointed in myself. 

As opposed to what? 

Being proud of myself? 

Either way I sound like a total bitch. 

I know why this is happening. It's coming to me now. I'm not close to Him anymore. I'm not letting myself be anyways. It's burning a hole in my pocket for a reason. I sit here talking about wanting to serve a mission, talking about wanting to sacrifice. Talking about wanting to be an example, when I'm so full of crap. When the time actually comes, I just sit there. I wait for someone else to do it. For someone else to speak up. I start swearing along with them. I start saying things are okay when I know they're not. 

I didn't used to be that person. Why'd I let that change? How'd I let that change? How do I go back? 

-No, scratch that. I know exactly how. 

Man, I am so totally disappointed in myself. 

This is gross.