the cold

i'll never know what happened between us. it's such a crying shame. when i think about it for long enough, i can feel the lump in my throat again. it grows bigger and bigger, then sinks to my stomach. i curl my legs up and wrap my arms around them. i close my eyes. picture you laying next to me, like you used to. one of your arms goes around me, bringing me closer into you. the other, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear then traces my jaw line with the side of your thumb.
i don't understand. my eyes open and you're gone. i lay in a sad memory that i refuse to let go. i'm ashamed. i'm embarrassed. i'm broken. but you are too. but we don't see that. when we lock eyes through the crowded halls, it's hate. it's pain. i want to run to you, i want you hold you. to ask you about your day, to tell you that i've missed you. but you hold my gaze for another second, you seem almost regretful, then you walk away. it's different every time. but i've grown familiar to the unpredictable. and you become friends with the cold.
i know the solution. it's simple really. but you, are anything but. i used to know you. i used to hold you when you cried. i used to hear your heart ache. but now it seems that you barely have a pulse. it feels like i'm watching you die. watching you create more and more distance from others that had nothing to do with you and i. it hurts. knowing we weren't any different from the others. perhaps there never was any true love. perhaps you just played a role in my head, and not my heart. and perhaps, i was nothing more than a "thing" to you. but if that's the case, then why won't you leave my heart?

over it

you don't know how much it hurts. and you'll never know. because i'll never tell you. 

so instead i'm going to stop hurting. because either way you could care less. 

so i'll care less. 

i'm over it. 

*and suddenly, she was. runny mascara and all, she dried her tears*

the future

       yes it's sad.

and yes, you're gone now.

and yes i hate that i'll never be the same.

and yes, it's hard giving you up.

                                          but i'll find another.

and he'll love me more.

and he'll see me clearer.

and he'll never be gone.

               

the end.

we do this to ourselves.

why do we do this? we put on sad music, seclude ourselves from those who love us, and reminisce happy moments that we're sad are now gone.
for what purpose? to bring him crawling back to you? to convince him that you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to him? humans are so interesting. we can gain something and never truly appreciate it or give it it's proper recognition, but as soon as it's gone, we feel robbed. played. deprived of our innate rights. and with what as our justification? only the fact that,

"it doesn't feel right".

we're such a selfish, sad people. we're so pathetic. so insensitive. yes, he meant the world to me.  he still does.  a little bit. but that part of my life is over, for now. sitting here and wishing he would love me again, won't do me any good.
don't i want what's good? for myself? am i so selfish, i can't even recognize that fighting for him, is hurting me? what is it that makes us this way? what makes it not enough? to just love, yourself?

i'm trying really, really hard. i'm trying to put my faith in my older brother. but, it's much easier said than done. and though sometimes i just want to look at his picture, and try to remember what it was like when he'd touch me.. i stop myself..

no.

if it's meant to be, it will be. and if not, another will come- to love me more fiercely and sincerely than he did. it's just a matter of timing. this time next year, as scary as it is writing it out, i could be engaged. i could be halfway across the world. i could be looking up at the night sky tracing Orion with my finger with another boy, on another land.

i don't know what the future has to bring, but i know that whatever it is, it will come. and even if that's all i have to hang on to right now, at least i have that. the decency to recognize that it's hard, and it will be hard, but it won't last forever.
so i'm not going to waste this year. i'm not going to watch him, with disdain. rather, with gratitude. gratitude for what he taught me. and with that, i'll leave him. and choose to be happy about it. and hard as it might be, i won't look back. not this time. as much as i would love too.

Sometimes, I still need you.

today will be the last day that I cry for you.

"You can't make promises. Unless it's a promise that is fulfilled in that very moment. Because every moment after that is going to change. And nothing will ever be the same. So how can you promise? How can you make a promise and be so sure? You can't. You can hope for it. But everything is always changing. Nothing will ever be the same. You cannot relive the past or the present. Promises cannot be kept. Because the future cannot be promised." -hmy 

waiting for you

i wish with all my heart that i could know who was going to love me for the rest of my life. 

i wish so badly that i could see him and feel in my bones his value to my soul. 

i wish i could hold him, whoever he is, and love him for the rest of forever.

i wish there was solace in knowing who he is, or where he was. 

i wish. more than anything.

 that i could see him. 

that he could hold me. 

and that it would be enough. 

even though you're not mine

I still love you, with my entire heart and soul.

I still wish you'd be the one to ask what's wrong, to call me at night. To kiss my cheek.

I still hope that one day you'll sit there looking at her, and realize she's not me.

I still pray that you'll fight for me. 

That you'll drop what you're doing, that'll you'll be fearless at my expense.

I still wish I could have loved you when you did all those things for me.

I still wish I could have embraced what we had.

I still wish I could have given you the attention you deserved.

and

 I still wish we could try again.

human.

Sometimes I wonder why he told me he loved me. I wonder if he understood what that meant. As I sit here in this strange home, I imagine what kinds of memories are woven into the vintage green carpet. I wonder how many tears and heart breaks the walls have watched. The photos are framed by wrinkled fingers. The familiar buildings are still there. The tired bed frame stands, even after the children are gone. 

I wonder what there is to learn from the pain that we feel. I wonder what life lesson we're meant to teach our children. I look at his picture, hanging on the wall.

 In it he's smiling:

 He's happy.

But he's gone. 

I try to imagine what his pain felt like. I try to picture him crying, hopeless, in a ball on the floor.

And I see him;

his brow covered in sweat,

his cheeks glistening with salt from tears.

his body, cold, deep within the earth. 

Perhaps had he still been here, he'd be sitting across from me. Holding my hand. Telling me it'll soon all be over. For some reason when they tell me those words, it means nothing. For some reason, I feel as though they say it like they're watching a movie, a movie that eventually has to end. Their words bring no encouragement. Their aid brings no comfort. No real relief. I can feel their intentions. Their desires behind their actions. I can sense when their efforts are genuine, and when they're not. I will never understand why people say things they don't mean. I will never be able to comprehend how someone can truly give selfless service to another. And perhaps, in this life I'm not supposed to. But for the time being, it seems to me that  it's no longer enough to keep repeating,

 "this too shall pass." 

Because now, for the time being, I'm almost convinced it's not supposed to. 

him

 lovers.

so similar, so perfect.

 distance.

cold. foreign. ugly.

confusion. anger, betrayal.

separation.

relief, revival, renewal.

longing. nostalgia. forgiveness, 

but..

not.
love.

 

i saw a movie once where a boy asked a man why we stay with shitty people. 

  "we accept the love we think we deserve" 

was his answer.

sitting here along side the woman who gave me life i wonder, 

why does she accept him? 

don't you see what he's doing?

it's interesting how a relationship can take over your entire life

your entire identity

your entire personality

your entire spirit

and yet, we think we deserve this. 

we think we did something wrong.

how could we be so oblivious to the most important thing in the world?

what is the most important thing in the world? 

ourselves. 

we can't stop

i've always felt oppressed by people. 

i didn't know how to deal with it, until i learned that there's a thing called

 not-giving-a-damn

once i figured out how to do this, i couldn't stop. 

Blonde Brownie

Today I wore long blonde extensions to school. Tons of people looked at me strange and people who I thought weren't my friends suddenly came up to me asking me what had happened. As if I had walked away from a car crash in bloody clothes.

But it gave me perspective. As I was driving away in a tiny red car I wondered if I would someday use fake hair when all of mine was gone. I wondered what it would be like to have cancer, and see yourself literally falling apart. I wondered if I would attempt to "fix" myself with synthetic hair, and make up, or if I'd let myself go; let life take it's course. 

I read a poem today in class about death. Everyone seemed to think that it was shocking, traumatizing thing, but for what ever reason, it seemed inviting to me. 

"For death in war is done by hands;

Suicide has cause and stillbirth, logic;

And cancer, simple as a flower, blooms."

How beautiful and attractive it would be do die as a flower. Blooming through your entire body until you can no longer function. I don't know why death seems so wonderful to me. I mean, it's not like I'm going to hunt down the nearest radiation field, but what a gentle way it seems to go. Not ignoring the fact that I know it would be painful, and sad, but I feel as though it would also come with knowledge and a new understanding of what's going on, or what's going to happen. 

I don't know enough to say this, but I'll say it anyways. I think I'd like to die of cancer. I think I'd like it very much. 

It's so strange what a familiar smell can do to a person. Or an old song, or clothes, or movie.

 His shirt can infuriate me and make me want to throw it into a fire. 

His sweater can soothe, and calm me to sleep. 

But that song always makes me uncomfortable. That movie always makes me sad. 

But it's a good shirt, it's an old sweater. 

Sure it's a gross song but, no, actually there's nothing good about that song. 

But the movie was well done.

SHIT HEAD

So I know today's Father's Day 'n all that shit, but I feel as though the only emotion I've been overwhelmed in today is pain. First of all. I'm starving. Literally the only thing I've eaten today was a medium sized pancake at 10:20 am. It's is now roughly 9 pm. Second, today I was confirmed that my parents have absolutely no sense of right and wrong (but that was already a fact so we'll skip the details).
Yes, I am aware that I'm only a teenager, therefore I eat, breathe, and sleep drama, but in my defense, I learned how to act like a 13 year old girl from my forty-something year old mother. Honestly, I've never felt more in a high school drama movie than when I'm with her. But the purpose of this entry isn't to bash on my parents for sucking so bad. The purpose of this entry is to assure myself and anyone else who reads this, that we're all going to be alright. That sounds a little vague I know, but lately I had been feeling so shitty about everything. Seriously, EVERYTHING.
My boyfriend wanted to hold me about a week ago while we were watching Casa Blanca, and I just about broke down crying. It wasn't even a bad hold, in fact, all I wanted the previous week was to be held, and right when the opportunity presented it's self before me.. I cringed. I didn't know what had caused this feeling, but I definitely knew that what ever it was, I had to kick it's ass. My parents aren't fond of my relationship with my boyfriend, and so time spent with him is rare. And here I was distancing myself from the one person that  I ache to be with...

WHAT THE HELL.

So I got over it. Though it felt strange I moved closer to him as he placed his arm around me.
Crap like this has happened way too many times for comfort, and I have a terrible feeling that it'll probably keep happening. And coming to that realization was, for lack of better word, depressing. I started becoming a bitch when I was around him, and other people that I cared a lot about. I spent a week of my summer laying on my bedroom floor, staring at Christmas lights hung on my wall, listening to sad music. I decided that I didn't have any friends. Greasy taco shops and university classrooms became my only companions. I was low, so low, I even began to accept that my life served no purpose.
Another week passed in this limbo and I felt myself go cold inside. It wasn't until a respected friend of mine pulled me aside as asked what my deal was. She said she noticed I was quiet in class, and it upset her, and she wanted to know why. I hadn't expected this, nor did I expect the answer that I gave her, but as tears began to stream down my face I told her that I felt I was never going to escape. I didn't have some amazing talent that could take me somewhere, and I didn't feel myself changing to develop one. I told her that I could see all of my peers changing and progressing, and I saw that I..wasn't. I was still working at my dad's place, I was still getting average grades, I was still the same 138 lbs of mediocre that I was in middle school. Entering my senior year in high school, I had literally, nothing going for me.
 She listened to me carefully, and when I finished wiping away my face she held me tight and said, "Gaby, shit happens, and more often than not you'll be wondering what the hell is going on. But I know you're spirit, and it makes people purr when they leave you because they feel as though they've been stroked when you're around them.." (I'm not entirely sure what the cat analogy meant).."You're a bubbly person, just like me, and who knows where you'll be when you're 53, maybe you'll be alone, or maybe you'll be living your life in love. But it doesn't matter, don't worry about where you will be, just worry about right now. Life's too short to be sad."
And with that she gave me a kiss on the head and we parted our ways. I've never felt so loved by someone I barely knew. My friend lost her husband roughly 2 years ago, and when she did her heart broke. They were so in love, and anyone who saw them could see it. I had only known them, for a couple years, but quickly I realized that I wanted a love like theirs. Regardless of the home that I was brought up in, regardless of the negative things that I associated to marriage, I knew that I could be different. I could find my soul mate and live happily ever after with him. I just needed to be patient, and true to myself.
The other day I was talking to my boyfriend. He told me that he frequently imagined the day of our graduation from high school, and that he imagined that as soon as we walked out of the building, we could be happy, really, truly happy, because I didn't have to worry about my family anymore. As I sat there listening to him say this, I couldn't help but wonder if I would still be sitting with him when I was 53. What if the boy who told me he loved me as a teenager still felt the same way decades later? And then it hit me, I was sitting next to a person I loved, dreaming about the future we could potentially have, instead of enjoying my time with him. It's strange how life works. We can spend hours thinking about what will happen, but nothing will happen, if we don't focus on what were doing. ANYWAYS, this post is almost too long for comfort. Bottom line: don't be a shit head. Just be happy. End.

" I wish I was educated. I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew how to act, how to control myself. I wish I wouldn't get frustrated all the time. I wish I didn't let people get to me. I wish I knew how to stop being so god damn stupid. I wish I'd stop feeling so fucking sorry for myself."

      
  said the girl sitting in the booth of the dim room.

EVA

Sometimes I fear that the wrong people are becoming famous. I fear that talented people are blooming into creative wizards in the proximity of their home towns, and no further. It makes me sad. I want nothing more that to be able to throw someone out into the world and have everyone acknowledge them, love them, embrace them, accept them. But I know that's not how it works, and I know that if I tried to expose someone so brilliant and pure, they would only be ruined by the perversions of human kind. It's a little dramatic, but true nonetheless. Though the risk is ever present, I refuse to let this diamond go unnoticed. And so I've devoted this post to my good friend. I don't think I've ever met someone so grounded and pure as her. I truly believe that she sees things like no other human can, and she captures them in her pictures. 

reminiscing

I found this picture I took of my sister 6 years ago on our favorite beach in San Diego. I don't think I've ever wanted to go back to the west coast so badly.

Shuddup, Idiot.

What is wrong with us?

Why do we want so badly to be loved?

Why are we so insecure and ashamed?

Why do we push away people who love us?

Why can't we accept someone's love?

Why can't we hold hands and kiss freely?

Why do tears stream down our cheeks when he pulls our hair behind our ear?

Why does kissing make you sad?

Why are people so heartless?

Why do we let people hurt us?

Why do we conform?

BECAUSE. 

We're all just a bunch of losers with no identity or self worth and it's disgusting. 

I hate us. I hate all of us. We're so convinced that we're worthless without a brand or the latest fad.

We refuse to ever be alone. To the bathroom, to the store, to our private places, etc.

We're pathetic. You're pathetic. I'm pathetic. 

What is wrong with me?

What is wrong with you?

What is wrong with us?