the cold

i'll never know what happened between us. it's such a crying shame. when i think about it for long enough, i can feel the lump in my throat again. it grows bigger and bigger, then sinks to my stomach. i curl my legs up and wrap my arms around them. i close my eyes. picture you laying next to me, like you used to. one of your arms goes around me, bringing me closer into you. the other, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear then traces my jaw line with the side of your thumb.
i don't understand. my eyes open and you're gone. i lay in a sad memory that i refuse to let go. i'm ashamed. i'm embarrassed. i'm broken. but you are too. but we don't see that. when we lock eyes through the crowded halls, it's hate. it's pain. i want to run to you, i want you hold you. to ask you about your day, to tell you that i've missed you. but you hold my gaze for another second, you seem almost regretful, then you walk away. it's different every time. but i've grown familiar to the unpredictable. and you become friends with the cold.
i know the solution. it's simple really. but you, are anything but. i used to know you. i used to hold you when you cried. i used to hear your heart ache. but now it seems that you barely have a pulse. it feels like i'm watching you die. watching you create more and more distance from others that had nothing to do with you and i. it hurts. knowing we weren't any different from the others. perhaps there never was any true love. perhaps you just played a role in my head, and not my heart. and perhaps, i was nothing more than a "thing" to you. but if that's the case, then why won't you leave my heart?