Blonde Brownie

Today I wore long blonde extensions to school. Tons of people looked at me strange and people who I thought weren't my friends suddenly came up to me asking me what had happened. As if I had walked away from a car crash in bloody clothes.

But it gave me perspective. As I was driving away in a tiny red car I wondered if I would someday use fake hair when all of mine was gone. I wondered what it would be like to have cancer, and see yourself literally falling apart. I wondered if I would attempt to "fix" myself with synthetic hair, and make up, or if I'd let myself go; let life take it's course. 

I read a poem today in class about death. Everyone seemed to think that it was shocking, traumatizing thing, but for what ever reason, it seemed inviting to me. 

"For death in war is done by hands;

Suicide has cause and stillbirth, logic;

And cancer, simple as a flower, blooms."

How beautiful and attractive it would be do die as a flower. Blooming through your entire body until you can no longer function. I don't know why death seems so wonderful to me. I mean, it's not like I'm going to hunt down the nearest radiation field, but what a gentle way it seems to go. Not ignoring the fact that I know it would be painful, and sad, but I feel as though it would also come with knowledge and a new understanding of what's going on, or what's going to happen. 

I don't know enough to say this, but I'll say it anyways. I think I'd like to die of cancer. I think I'd like it very much.