the end.

we do this to ourselves.

why do we do this? we put on sad music, seclude ourselves from those who love us, and reminisce happy moments that we're sad are now gone.
for what purpose? to bring him crawling back to you? to convince him that you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to him? humans are so interesting. we can gain something and never truly appreciate it or give it it's proper recognition, but as soon as it's gone, we feel robbed. played. deprived of our innate rights. and with what as our justification? only the fact that,

"it doesn't feel right".

we're such a selfish, sad people. we're so pathetic. so insensitive. yes, he meant the world to me.  he still does.  a little bit. but that part of my life is over, for now. sitting here and wishing he would love me again, won't do me any good.
don't i want what's good? for myself? am i so selfish, i can't even recognize that fighting for him, is hurting me? what is it that makes us this way? what makes it not enough? to just love, yourself?

i'm trying really, really hard. i'm trying to put my faith in my older brother. but, it's much easier said than done. and though sometimes i just want to look at his picture, and try to remember what it was like when he'd touch me.. i stop myself..

no.

if it's meant to be, it will be. and if not, another will come- to love me more fiercely and sincerely than he did. it's just a matter of timing. this time next year, as scary as it is writing it out, i could be engaged. i could be halfway across the world. i could be looking up at the night sky tracing Orion with my finger with another boy, on another land.

i don't know what the future has to bring, but i know that whatever it is, it will come. and even if that's all i have to hang on to right now, at least i have that. the decency to recognize that it's hard, and it will be hard, but it won't last forever.
so i'm not going to waste this year. i'm not going to watch him, with disdain. rather, with gratitude. gratitude for what he taught me. and with that, i'll leave him. and choose to be happy about it. and hard as it might be, i won't look back. not this time. as much as i would love too.