we had already talked- said things about it.
we had already spoken of things we'd do- how we'd do it.
but today I saw that a friend of mine got engaged.
she's my age, she started same time I did.
and now she's preparing to start forever with someone she loves.
everyone here talks about how wrong that is.
I used to talk about how wrong that is.
to do it that fast,
to do it so young.

it is fast,
it is young.
but I think I see it now.
four months ago I wouldn't even acknowledge my feelings.
I couldn't let myself see him like that.
but now I can't stop telling him how I feel
and now he's talking to me about kids- our kids.
he's asking me for ring sizes, asking me my favorite stone.

maybe I should be scared
maybe I should feel strange.
but I don't.
I don't want anything other than him forever.
I think I see it now.
maybe I'm just hormonal
maybe I'm just stupid
but I know he's the one.

he said he'd get down on one knee for me
and then he did
my heart stopped for a second.
not because I was scared
but because it felt right
even joking, it felt so incredibly right.

there's still so much more time that needs to pass,
there's still so much more work to be done.
and I'll do it- gladly.
he's the one, I know it now.
I can't believe myself- how sure I am about this.
but I just look at him and there's no question.

it's fast.
we're young.
but I've found him.

what is this?

Why does it feel so good to have someone?
The time before this it felt like I needed someone.
Like I was asking for someone and they heard me call.
But this time- I mean, don't remember asking. . .

Maybe that's why it went smoother.
Maybe that's why it was so much easier.
Maybe that's why I fell so fast.

I don't remember feeling the need to impress.
Of course I get embarrassed sometimes- we all do, regardless of how confident we are.
But I don't remember wanting someone- really wanting someone.
I'm not sure how to express what I'm feeling.

I just feel whole now, even though I don't necessarily remember thinking I was incomplete.
I think it's one of those things were God let's you have what you think you need.
Then later, he lets you have what He knows you need whether you know it or not.

It's still hard I guess, to open up completely.
That'll take more time to change I think.
But I feel I'm in a much better place than before.
I don't feel the need to open up completely quite yet; I don't need to share scary stuff.

Both times I feel like I was trying my hardest though.
I feel like I was giving my all.
So it was more of a tender mercy.

But the first time, I was selfish.
I asked for something and God gave it to me, and I screwed it up.
And I think that was the point; I didn't know what I wanted.

I'm not saying I know anything now really.
It's just that I feel different- bigger now.
More is expected- less is expected.
I need to be my own person, I need to compromise.
To be honest, to be real.

This morning we had breakfast.
I could just sit next to him in silence for hours, his hand on my knee.
His eyes make my heart stop, every time.
His hands are so sure, so aware and tender.

My stomach does flips if I think about it too much.
When he's not here I feel the absence of a part of myself I gave him.
And when he's here I feel peace, and entire.
I'm not sure how this is possible, I'm not sure why it's happening.
Still, I don't really care.
He holds me and I'm safe.
I felt that once before, but this is greater..

This is greater,
This is clearer, 
This is more.
This- is right. 

********

I was born to endure this kind of weather

****************

****************

And I thought it all over too many times

*********

I'm not going quietly. That's not my thing. I don't dig it. It's not okay.
You screw me over? I'll mess you sh*tless. That's how it used to be.

Sometimes that's how I want it still.
But I think I know better now.
I'm not weak, or giving in.
I just know better now.

I'm going to fight, that'll never change.
For what I love, for what's right, for what's real.
That'll never change.

Who I fight, who I face, that's constantly changing.
How I'm fighting, how I attack, that'll never be constant.

But for You, I'll fight, I'll wait, I'll adapt;
Come hell or high water to make you constant.
To make it right, to make it real, to let you know I love you, that'll never change.

You can fight me.
You can offend me.
You can mess me sh*tless.

I'll be frustrated.
I'll be hurt.
I'll need my time- but I won't stop fighting.

Because I'm not going quietly. That's not my thing. I don't dig it. It's not okay.
You screw me over? I'll let you know I haven't changed.

"can I call you for like 2 seconds?"

4 hours & 31 minutes

we talked for 4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were quiet for 4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were laughing for 4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were saying "I love you," for 4 hours & 31 minutes

we were saying "just come over," for  4 hours & 31 minutes.

we were being cute, dumb, smart, gross, for 4 hours & 31 minutes.


I cried for a second.

I smiled for a minute.

I missed him for hours.

24 hours & still counting the seconds.

I don't have my book with me, but I have to write it down for my own sake.
So if anyone actually reads this stuff you'll just have to buckle down & bare with me.

Jan 21.
Held hands.
Jan 22.
Talk.
Jan 28. 
Kissed.
Jan 29. 
"I love you"
Jan 30.
The lake.
Jan 31. 
Sushi date w/A&C

I CAN'T
BELIEVE
ANY OF THIS
IS REAL.

It's fast.
No one needs to tell me that.
I know it.
It's so fast.

It's easy.
I feel like it's someone I've known for a really long time.
Even though that's not the case, that's how I feel.
It's easy to feel safe.
It's easy to feel confident, about my feelings, about his.

It's weird.
I thought I'd at least be scared at first.
I thought I'd feel something holding me back.
That's what always happens.
I'd feel anxious.
I'd want to run.
I'd start to cry.

But this was completely different.
I feel strong.
I feel confident.
I don't have to watch him, or take care of him, or make sure he's okay.
It doesn't matter.
He is him, and I am her.
It feels like two individuals, being independent, but in sync.

I feel so positive and happy with him.
It's strange. I can't do it justice, the words won't come.
It just feels so much better than before.
It feels so right.

I don't feel wounded.
I don't feel dependent.
I don't feel pitied.

I feel appreciated.
I feel respected.
I feel bold.

I'm happy.
I'm not expecting anything.
I'm not planning anything.
I'm just happy.

hiding

I feel fine.
Just now- just barely- they cut again.
But I feel fine.

I feel a little scared, a little stupid, a little frustrated.
I cried hard, but not for long- so that's good.
That's really good.

I want to say something- but I'm not going to.
It's not going to be like that this time.
This time it's going to be different.
It's already very different.
So I intend to keep it that way.

I deserve this.
I'm not going to stand in my own way.
I'm not going to let them stand in my way.
-with reason I mean.

Anyways..
Everyone is hurting right now.
Everyone I love is hurting.
I've been so used to doing things about it.
But I just want to hide now.

I know it's not good.
I know it's not productive.
-but it's not painful.
and I know I'm alright with that for now.

"Tomorrow I'll be faster.
I'll catch what I've been chasing after & have time to play.
But I'm quite alright hiding today."