I looked up Jack White on Spotify.
The first song that came on was Would You Fight For My Love.
It's really good. -I think it's really good. I wonder who would fight for my love. Would that boy? I doubt it.. -well maybe that's assuming a lot. I don't know much about him.
"I want to want to stop being alone."
"I want you to fight for all my love."
I want to sleep.
I read that happy people need less sleep to fuel them because happiness serves as a form of energy.
I must not be very happy right now, because it's mid-day and I just want to sleep.
How do you become a self-less person and still take care of yourself?
I don't think it's possible.
Who was the most self-less person you can think of?
For me it's Christ.
..and he got crucified.
Friday, January 9, 2015
Monday, January 5, 2015
you can't meet my parents
So there's this boy.
He's older than me.
He has tattoos.
He's in bands.
He's probably not a virgin.
He probably drinks.
He probably smokes.
He's my friend's older brother.
& I have a huge fan girl crush on him.
So one day God decides to humor me.
This boy asks me to hang out/go on a date- whatever.
This boy takes me to dinner.
This boy takes me to a movie.
This boy holds open the door.
This boy stands closest to the curb.
This boy puts his arm around me.
This boy asks permission to place his hand on my knee.
This boy walks me to the door.
But I thought that was it, & I was okay with that being it. Because it was incredible.
Only a one hit wonder.
But now God's sense of humor is coming back.
Someone's telling me I might have another chance.
Someone's talking to their mom about me.
Someone's listening to things I've said.
Someone's making an effort.
Someone's thinking about me.
Someone's leaving the continental U.S. of A. soon.
If this has anything to do with my previous post of wanting someone...
No, it can't.. Seriously? I'm sitting here now listening to The Smiths and The Beatles on repeat. I'm trying to "educate" myself because I want to impress.
That's cheating, I know.
Now it's The Strokes.
This boy has a girlfriend.
I'm not a home wrecker.
I was fine without him for 4+ months.
I'll be fine for longer if that's the case.
I'm just curious now.
I didn't start this.
I'm not ending it though.
How strange, how funny, how little the world is.
Yeah, I want this kid. If only for a little bit.
I still want him. I'll wait my turn though.
I'll refrain from screaming as much.
But I'm still a fan girl.
First & fore most.
He's older than me.
He has tattoos.
He's in bands.
He's probably not a virgin.
He probably drinks.
He probably smokes.
He's my friend's older brother.
& I have a huge fan girl crush on him.
So one day God decides to humor me.
This boy asks me to hang out/go on a date- whatever.
This boy takes me to dinner.
This boy takes me to a movie.
This boy holds open the door.
This boy stands closest to the curb.
This boy puts his arm around me.
This boy asks permission to place his hand on my knee.
This boy walks me to the door.
But I thought that was it, & I was okay with that being it. Because it was incredible.
Only a one hit wonder.
But now God's sense of humor is coming back.
Someone's telling me I might have another chance.
Someone's talking to their mom about me.
Someone's listening to things I've said.
Someone's making an effort.
Someone's thinking about me.
Someone's leaving the continental U.S. of A. soon.
If this has anything to do with my previous post of wanting someone...
No, it can't.. Seriously? I'm sitting here now listening to The Smiths and The Beatles on repeat. I'm trying to "educate" myself because I want to impress.
That's cheating, I know.
Now it's The Strokes.
This boy has a girlfriend.
I'm not a home wrecker.
I was fine without him for 4+ months.
I'll be fine for longer if that's the case.
I'm just curious now.
I didn't start this.
I'm not ending it though.
How strange, how funny, how little the world is.
Yeah, I want this kid. If only for a little bit.
I still want him. I'll wait my turn though.
I'll refrain from screaming as much.
But I'm still a fan girl.
First & fore most.
twist
How funny.
God has a sense of humor you know. He really does. That's one of the reasons why I love him- fear him- but love him.
A year ago we were all different places. I was in Mexico. She was with that boy. She was with that girl we don't talk to anymore. He was with that girl he's trying to help still. 3 of the 4 were some what close. Closer than we were with the boy.
But now, a year later.
Where are we?
Not in the dorm or basement or apartment we got. We're home. In our old rooms.
Thinking of the same boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different girl?
Perhaps.
How funny.
Really it's interesting. All of us, we're home. Whether that home is a good or bad place- whether we returned willingly- that's all irrelevant. Which is refreshing to be honest. We're all home.
God has a sense of humor you know. He really does. That's one of the reasons why I love him- fear him- but love him.
A year ago we were all different places. I was in Mexico. She was with that boy. She was with that girl we don't talk to anymore. He was with that girl he's trying to help still. 3 of the 4 were some what close. Closer than we were with the boy.
But now, a year later.
Where are we?
Not in the dorm or basement or apartment we got. We're home. In our old rooms.
Thinking of the same boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different boy?
Perhaps.
Thinking of a different girl?
Perhaps.
How funny.
Really it's interesting. All of us, we're home. Whether that home is a good or bad place- whether we returned willingly- that's all irrelevant. Which is refreshing to be honest. We're all home.
Saturday, January 3, 2015
someone
I can't stop listening to Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald.
Well, actually, it's them and Bob Dylan.
I feel weird.
I feel like I'm in love with someone I haven't met yet.
I feeling all these things, I'm missing all of these things, but I don't know what I'm feeling, or who I'm missing.
I feel like I've been transitioning a little too fast.
I don't know.
I just want to be in love again.
I want to have someone to miss. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing. I want to have someone to kiss good bye. I want to have someone to make me laugh when I'm sad. I just want to have someone. But the weird bit is that I don't quite yet feel the need to have someone. So that's kind of a bummer.
I want someone to play with my hair. I want someone to fall asleep next to. I want someone to get sushi with. I want someone to tell me to calm down. I want someone to tell me I'm being stupid. I want someone to sit with me in the library while we study. I want someone to dance to jazz with. I want someone to get tea with. I want someone to stay up late talking with.
I want someone to be there. I want to be there for someone.
I want to rub someone's shoulders when they're tired. I want to kiss someone to sleep. I want to listen to someone tell me about their day. I want to invite someone over to watch movies. I want to make mexican hot chocolate for someone. I want to play a song for someone. I want to wrap a blanket around someone. I want to grab someone's hand when they're scared. I want to be there. I want to be enough. I want to be someone's, someone.
Maybe I do need it. Maybe I don't. I'm not sure. I can't tell. It's feeling all jumbled right now. It feels lost in translation. How do you figure out the difference between needs and wants? It's a new year, I'm hopeful. I know what needs to happen. I just wish I could figure out how it was supposed to happen.
I guess I should be grateful.
Eventually it's bound to happen, no?
Man, I just really want someone.
Well, actually, it's them and Bob Dylan.
I feel weird.
I feel like I'm in love with someone I haven't met yet.
I feeling all these things, I'm missing all of these things, but I don't know what I'm feeling, or who I'm missing.
I feel like I've been transitioning a little too fast.
I don't know.
I just want to be in love again.
I want to have someone to miss. I want to have someone to look forward to seeing. I want to have someone to kiss good bye. I want to have someone to make me laugh when I'm sad. I just want to have someone. But the weird bit is that I don't quite yet feel the need to have someone. So that's kind of a bummer.
I want someone to play with my hair. I want someone to fall asleep next to. I want someone to get sushi with. I want someone to tell me to calm down. I want someone to tell me I'm being stupid. I want someone to sit with me in the library while we study. I want someone to dance to jazz with. I want someone to get tea with. I want someone to stay up late talking with.
I want someone to be there. I want to be there for someone.
I want to rub someone's shoulders when they're tired. I want to kiss someone to sleep. I want to listen to someone tell me about their day. I want to invite someone over to watch movies. I want to make mexican hot chocolate for someone. I want to play a song for someone. I want to wrap a blanket around someone. I want to grab someone's hand when they're scared. I want to be there. I want to be enough. I want to be someone's, someone.
Maybe I do need it. Maybe I don't. I'm not sure. I can't tell. It's feeling all jumbled right now. It feels lost in translation. How do you figure out the difference between needs and wants? It's a new year, I'm hopeful. I know what needs to happen. I just wish I could figure out how it was supposed to happen.
I guess I should be grateful.
Eventually it's bound to happen, no?
Man, I just really want someone.
wait, pause
This is so strange.
I've been reading back on previous posts I made and it all feels so comical.
I was totally in love with that boy.
I WAS IN LOVE.
I was a total psycho bitch to that boy.
I WAS A BITCH. TO SOMEONE I WAS IN LOVE WITH.
I suppressed a lot of feelings towards too many people.
I WAS FAKE.
I made a lot of irrational decisions.
I WAS A DUMB A**.
This is so strange.
I feel like I'm flipping through pages of myself. Every time I stop to read a page, a younger for of me crawls out and sits beside me. I'm listening her/me talk about all of these events and how I thought they took place and how I felt about it all. It's surreal. Sometimes I hate her/me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to where she came from and take her place.
In 2012 I wrote about praying to God for him to send me someone who'd love me. And that fall, He supposedly answered my prayer with my ex. -I still dislike the word ex so much.
That summer I predicted that it wouldn't end well, and winter of that same year my prediction began coming true.
In 2013 I wrote about the end of us. He and I. I was regretful, nostalgic, borderline pathetic really. In the beginning it's scary. Apparently half of that year I was "happy" with him. But really looking back, it looks like I was pretty miserable throughout it all.
In 2014 I'm off the grid. I don't write much but what I do sounds like a terrible lifetime movie. Planning on running away, living out of a car, swooning over bad boys, remembering old loves, moving out, starting school, etc.
This is so strange.
I need to stop saying that. But I can't think of anything else that'll give it justice. I'm reflecting, and reflecting, I can't tell if I'm proud or disappointed. I'm definitely different, that was inevitable. I've definitely accomplished things so I can't be a total failure. But it's like I'm looking back and I just can't for the life of me figure out how any of this happened.
Currently I'm back in my old room. It's only temporary, but I'm here. There's different clothes hanging, there's different lights up. My hair is much shorter, my face much cleaner. There's different boys in my head. I feel so strange. What happened? Where did those people go? My hair is the same but different. I feel like I've morphed. How did I do that without noticing? There are few people that have remained constant. I'm grateful for them. But what happened? Am I going to have this same thing happen again in another three years? Am I going to look back confused? Where will I be looking back from? This room? Another?
I'm not about predicting the future or anything. I'm not concerned with looking forward as much as I am with looking back. That doesn't sound right. But that's what it is. What am I going to see changed looking back again? Holy hell, I don't want to think about it.
I've been reading back on previous posts I made and it all feels so comical.
I was totally in love with that boy.
I WAS IN LOVE.
I was a total psycho bitch to that boy.
I WAS A BITCH. TO SOMEONE I WAS IN LOVE WITH.
I suppressed a lot of feelings towards too many people.
I WAS FAKE.
I made a lot of irrational decisions.
I WAS A DUMB A**.
This is so strange.
I feel like I'm flipping through pages of myself. Every time I stop to read a page, a younger for of me crawls out and sits beside me. I'm listening her/me talk about all of these events and how I thought they took place and how I felt about it all. It's surreal. Sometimes I hate her/me. Sometimes I wish I could go back to where she came from and take her place.
In 2012 I wrote about praying to God for him to send me someone who'd love me. And that fall, He supposedly answered my prayer with my ex. -I still dislike the word ex so much.
That summer I predicted that it wouldn't end well, and winter of that same year my prediction began coming true.
In 2013 I wrote about the end of us. He and I. I was regretful, nostalgic, borderline pathetic really. In the beginning it's scary. Apparently half of that year I was "happy" with him. But really looking back, it looks like I was pretty miserable throughout it all.
In 2014 I'm off the grid. I don't write much but what I do sounds like a terrible lifetime movie. Planning on running away, living out of a car, swooning over bad boys, remembering old loves, moving out, starting school, etc.
This is so strange.
I need to stop saying that. But I can't think of anything else that'll give it justice. I'm reflecting, and reflecting, I can't tell if I'm proud or disappointed. I'm definitely different, that was inevitable. I've definitely accomplished things so I can't be a total failure. But it's like I'm looking back and I just can't for the life of me figure out how any of this happened.
Currently I'm back in my old room. It's only temporary, but I'm here. There's different clothes hanging, there's different lights up. My hair is much shorter, my face much cleaner. There's different boys in my head. I feel so strange. What happened? Where did those people go? My hair is the same but different. I feel like I've morphed. How did I do that without noticing? There are few people that have remained constant. I'm grateful for them. But what happened? Am I going to have this same thing happen again in another three years? Am I going to look back confused? Where will I be looking back from? This room? Another?
I'm not about predicting the future or anything. I'm not concerned with looking forward as much as I am with looking back. That doesn't sound right. But that's what it is. What am I going to see changed looking back again? Holy hell, I don't want to think about it.
3/15/14
She sat there, across from me with pink eyes that showed me her heart. The lose shirt and greasy hair made me feel at peace. There was hope in her presence. Too many times before had we spoken about our families. The disfunctionality seemed to fester in our homes. But we were different. She would tell me when her heart was sore, and we'd cry in each others arms. We'd seen the gates of hell and laughed. She made me feel human. The kind of human that survives.
She sat there, across from me with pink eyes that showed me her heart. The lose shirt and greasy hair made me feel at peace. There was hope in her presence. Too many times before had we spoken about our families. The disfunctionality seemed to fester in our homes. But we were different. She would tell me when her heart was sore, and we'd cry in each others arms. We'd seen the gates of hell and laughed. She made me feel human. The kind of human that survives.
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