Someone else is playing the guitar. And this morning I heard the harmonica playing hymns. I feel so stupid with an empty bass case. 

tender mercies

One of my new roommates is a piano major. I am so incredibly happy right now. She's playing in the living room and somehow it helps me feel okay with it being 1:49pm and me still being in bed. 

come away with me

The other night I felt like shit.

I can't remember why, maybe it was the money thing, or the family thing. 

I had a really high high, then I had a crazy low- so fast. 

Anyways- I felt like shit.

He called me and told me he was picking me up. 

He didn't ask- he told me. 

  I love it when he does that. 

  I know there's a fine line- and I can't imagine how confusing it would be to see it, but I love when he's forward and demanding like that. Don't get me wrong, I love how considerate and sensitive he is, always mindful of how I feel. But sometimes he has these moments of just heated demanding. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. 

He comes to get me, we're driving around, and I can tell he feels like shit too. 

He's frustrated and I'm frustrated, our conversation is brief. 

Then he's asking me to go with him. 

Then he's headed to the freeway. 

All in a matter of 5 minutes or so of hearing my answer he starts heading North. 

It happened a couple days ago but I just started thinking about it again just now. 

I found it so interesting and comforting how that played out. 

Both of us were frustrated. 

Both of us were irritated from things that were independent from each other. 

And we both just gravitated towards each other. 

-I'm leaving and I want you to come away with me. 

-Okay let's go. Where ever you want. 

We talked about some of it, we were quiet for some of it. 

Most of the time we just held each other. 

Most of the time we just got as close as we possibly could. 

And that was enough. That was more than enough to help me do something the next day. 

When I felt like shit- I just wanted to be in his arms. 

When he felt like shit- he came to me too. 

I know I could be speaking out of turn. 

I could be assuming a lot. 

But that's exactly what it felt like. 

And for me personally that's a big deal. 

I like being alone, I like thinking to myself. 

But lately it's been awful. 

When I'm alone for too long, I don't reflect, I just get depressed. 

When things get hard, I'd get alone, and I'd get depressed. 

But now I go to him, it's hard & I'm stubborn as hell but I go to him. 

I'll go to him, and he'll come to me. 

1/15/15

I've never seen so many boys in kakis as when I'm at school
It so weird when you see a cute boy that you keep making eye contact with
But then you get up to go or he does, and that's it.

You never think twice about that cute kid on the 3rd floor of the library
Because an eye exchange means nothing.

Lately I've felt like I've been on holiday still.
I'm tired all the time.
I don't want to start my day 'til late afternoon.
I'm sleeping in a rented room
I feel like I have somewhere else to return to
I feel like someone's waiting for me somewhere else.

I wish I could go through life with my eyes closed.
I wish I didn't wish that.
I wish I'd stop missing someone I haven't met.

1/17/15

Do you ever think about why you know the people you know?

 -or how you know the people you know? 

Sometimes I see things that people do and I feel sick. 

I feel ashamed to walk on the ground. 

I feel ashamed to breath in the air. 

I feel ashamed to sleep at night. 

Other times, I look at my friends, at the people that I love, and I fear my heart is going to explode. 

I want to parade these people so the world can see them.

I want to make movies or write books or sing songs to broadcast their importance. 

I want to share them with others so that they might feel their radiance. 

I love people. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes, and we'll always stay that way. 

2/16/15

I'm not good at letting things go unsettled.
That used to always be my approach. I didn't like to hear my parents fight, so I'd always be passive. I'd let people win to avoid arguments. I'm not sure what it was that made me change, but I don't do that anymore.
I can't do that anymore.
People always tell me to let it go.
To dismiss it.
But I just can't.
Maybe I'm just ignorant.
Maybe I'm just naive.
But what does that matter- aren't we all?

Sometimes I lose control.
It goes too deep, & I can't find the core of the problem.
That's the most frustrating.
When you don't find the solution, the compromise, the conclusion.
What's the point then? Why bother when I'm just going to become my parents?

The point is this: Shut. Up.
Shut. Up.
Quit talking.
Quit focusing on how you're going to convince others to see where you're coming from.
Quit telling yourself that you're going through a stage.
Quit giving excuses for why you haven't started changing the way you wanted to.
Lying to yourself. Lying to people you love. Lecturing your friends, blaming others for your problems. Pretending you don't care. Refusing to look weak. Avoiding confrontation. Ignoring mirrors.

Sometimes when it's too much I stand in the bathroom.
When I'm too much I have to be alone.
I have to stop talking.
I stare at myself for how ever long it takes.
I'll get close, get far away, but it's just me.

"what are you doing?"
"could you have possibly hurt someone?"
"what do you want to do?"
"what are you feeling?"
"how did you handle that?"
"are you being yourself?"
"did you do that for someone else?"
"who are you?"
"who do you want to be?"
"why are you doing this?"

Maybe I reflect too much. Maybe I don't reflect enough.
All I know is this: I am one person. & I'm choosing to love that person.

HIM

Ahhhhhhh. My heart is racing. Literally feels like it's beating a million miles an hour. Every time- every single time we kiss- gahhhhhhh. It's like it's the first time all over again. His lips are the most incredible things mine have ever touched.
So that's disgusting- so you're uncomfortable- so what.
He's the greatest thing I've ever had the privilege to love.

Gah- some friends of mine just left back to their hometowns to serve missions for the church.
I thought I was fine up until the moment I said goodbye & one of my friends said, "next time I see you, we'll be 21." That's when I lost it, that's when the tears started flowing & it clicked that a person I had grown to love so much in such a short amount of time was leaving me. Not forever- but for a moment, and that just killed me.

I feel that same thing with him.
But it's every night.
It's every time we pull up to my house.
It's every time I get on the train southbound.
It's every time He tells me he loves me, and wishes me a good nights rest.
It's every time he leaves the room.
It's every time I go to class.
It's every time I wake up or go to sleep.
It's every time I do anything and he's not there.

Every time he leaves, gah, I can feel it so strongly that a part of me leaves with him.
I know how that sounds, I know it's cliche, gah but that's the closest thing I can think of to describe it. I feel myself disconnect.
And I don't feel whole or complete until he's back again.
I can't think about it too hard because I feel my throat get tight, and my eyes get watery.

As soon as he's gone, I feel the temperature drop.
In the room.
In my body.
Everything experiences a loss the moment he's gone.
But as soon as he comes back.
Gahh- it's unreal.
Every time it's the same.
Just a text, or a phone call & I can't help but get nervous, or excited.
Every time I see him again my heart beats a little faster, & each time he touches me- a hand hold, as kiss, a hug, anything- I get goosebumps.
Literally, every time.
It's only been like 4 months maybe, 5 if you include the month all hell broke loose.
Less than a year has gone by, and I feel like I've found myself in someone else.

We had diner with his parents. Just the four of us. I was scared at first, I always get a little scared. Maybe I'm just insecure or intimidated or something. But it was good. It was fun. It was casual. It was easy. His mom and I shared ravioli. His dad told us about his prom date in high school. It seemed effortless. She talked about how cute our kids would be. We stayed up on the patio watching a leak get fixed.

Sometimes I can't believe how good it is.
I can't believe how happy everyone is.
I can't believe I can be a part of it.
It's hard to be happy lately it feels like.
But as soon as I'm with him- as soon as I'm in that home, being with him and his family I get so happy I feel as though I might burst.

I hate to be that girl that just goes on and on about her boyfriend.
But I'm going to be that girl because I have every reason in the world right now to be exactly like that girl.
I love him so much.
More than anything I've ever known.
I've grown and continue to grow constantly because of him.
I don't know many things, but I know that he makes me want to be better.
I know that with him, I'm the happiest I've ever been.
I know that I don't want to picture a life that he's not a part of.
I know he makes my heart race- my skin tingle.
I know it hurts to leave him.
And I know I love him, more than anything I've ever known.

I start a new job Monday. I'm terrified.

There's a feeling you get when you're so ridiculously close to someone.
-Maybe it's when you spoon for too long, but it feels like you're so close to another independent being that you start to get in sync.
I swear- body temperatures feel like they cancel each other out & you reach equilibrium.
One moment you're both breathing hard, & the next you're holding him so close that you lose the sound of your heart beat under his.
It's impossible to write down the things that surface when you're that close to someone.
It's not even fair to try explain how he makes me feel.

I've never felt this before.
- That's what everyone says, but it's true.
I don't think I've ever felt more comfortable being vulnerable to another person.
I can't say that I'm not afraid- That would just be a bold face lie.
I can't say that I don't have my insecurities, because that's literally impossible.
But I feel more alive in a way.

I'm not sure how to word it, it's simple in my head but as soon as I try to match it with words it's too much, it's not enough.
I feel more real. I feel more emotional, I feel more aware.
The pain is more intense. Much more than anything else I've ever felt.
But the joy, & happiness, & satisfaction of being with someone so- real, so grounded & put together- it's indescribable.