LUCKY ONES

This week I had to do something rather unpleasant & I was sure that the consequence of it would be anything but pleasurable. But as life seems to always be stirring the big confusing pot of life & what not, I was surprised to find that things went rather well.. in a sense. But anyways, I said what I had too and got an answer I wasn't ready for.  Literally it scared me a little, and I wanted out, really bad, and more and more frequently I'm starting to realize that I have NO IDEA what I want. I have this image in my head where I can be independent and free and make my own decisions, and live in a small house, and drive an old car, and be a poor but happy student that's experiencing the world as she should. Working at little bookstores, and spending all my money on trips and clothes. And that some boy who really loves me will do it all with me, and not care about what we have or don't have because we'll be together and it won't matter. But as I'm starting to make my life changing decisions, I'm finding that I'm more than capable of doing these things, but I still seems to stop myself. Dead. In. My. Freaking. Tracks.
I don't know what it is. Maybe I started out too hard. Maybe it's not that big of a deal and I'm blowing it out of proportion. But I just couldn't stop thinking about what my life would be like if it really happened. If I really left as soon as I'm saying I will. If that boy actually came with me. If we literally "ran away" from this town and all it's self-conscience hipsters. What if we got married? With the tiny "secret garden" ceremony and everything. What if we had kids? His crazy blue eyes, and my tan skin. What if we moved to the west coast? Had lots of dogs? Ate food sitting indian style on the floor of our kitchen? Drove a Land Rover, wore tons of flannel, gave butterfly kisses, bleached our hair, went star gazing, lived off of dark chocolate covered blueberries, wrote journals, held hands, learned how to surf, rode bikes for miles, played with each other's hair, planted gardens, etc. It's ridiculous. And as soon as I realize I'm thinking this way, I immediately stop. "Seriously, settle down. there's no way."
And yet, I feel like there has to be. He has to be serious. The only problem is that I'm not. I see all these things happening, and I want them to all be real, but as soon as it seems as though one might be playing out, I bail. "Not yet." I'm thinking, "Maybe in a little while." When in reality I should be thinking," IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!" and "LET'S DO THIS THING!" But I'm not. I'm not ready. I'm not willing. And it's freaking annoying. I play out all these situations where I'm just gonna up and leave, but I know I could never really do it. I could never just go, and not look back. I could never just give myself to someone.  And then I wonder if I really even want it. If I even know how serious I am? The answer is always the same. Maybe. Perhaps. If the timing is right. Debatable. Damn it.