happy birthday, buddy

my little brother turned seven today.
 i wanted to make him a huge breakfast shaped in a smiling face or something tacky like that, but he doesn't eat regularly so it wasn't a very good idea.

the night before he was in my room going through my desk, picking out items and asking me if he could have them for his birthday. i was preoccupied with something else and just said yes to anything he held in the air with his tiny hands. he finished with a chain necklace full of leather patches and old necklace trinkets hanging around his neck. unfortunately this was the only thing i could give him.

the rest of the day he was gloomy and sad. there was no party planned for him. no presents waiting to be ripped open.
 just two messy chocolate cakes that he didn't touch.

it made me so sad to see him like that.
so thoroughly disappointed.

we had all reached that age in our family, the age where your birthday no longer held any value. and that maybe, if you were mature enough, two or three members of the family would join you to a restaurant dinner. but he was the youngest, and i thought that perhaps he would never have to endure this assurance of little self worth.

but this morning, i saw it creep up on him. the second he realized that he would wake alone in his room, instead of it being filled with family screaming happy birthday in his face and feeding him large amounts of food while placing presents all around his bed. i saw it when he came into my room and asked if he could have a hug. i saw it when he choose to go on a walk with my cousin's dogs instead of letting my mother give him a kiss. i saw this depressing realization come over his tiny child body, and no matter how many times i kissed or hugged him, or told him how much i loved him, or tried to put on his favorite cartoons, or give him lots of candy.. he knew. and it broke my heart.

for me, it was my eighth birthday, and i remember it perfectly. i woke up next to my mother and told her it was my birthday. she assured me that it was, and i asked her what we had planned for me. she turned to me and in all seriousness told me."nothing". then she turned back and fell asleep. i cried for 10 minutes that day, and then realized it would do no good; stopped; and didn't talk to my mother the rest of the day.

my brother hasn't cried today. just been really moody. and i can't blame him.

i'll never understand why my parents don't find birthday's important. or any big events for that matter. i can only pray that i love my children enough to make their birthdays special. i can only hope that i will never have to see them so sad. i can only prove to myself that i'm not my mother, and always assure my children that i love them.

it's not just whether or not you have presents, or a huge party, it's whether or not you can feel that someone loves you. and try as i might today, i'm still not sure if he knows that i do in fact, love him so much.