our leaders of tomorrow

Some boys in my class today went off on a rant about how much they hate books, and teachers who made them read them. I did my best to disregard their naive comments, but pretty soon I was sucked into their conversation.

ME: "I don't see why you should deserve extra credit for rushing through the assignment the last two days of break."
THEM:"Well we were one of the few who even did it, everyone else got an extension date to turn it in, what the hell?!"
ME: "You're pathetic."
THEM: (mumbling) "it's my life.. I'll do what I want."
ME: "I can hear you."
THEM: "GOD GARRET, YOU'RE SUCH A DRAMA QUEEN!!!"
ME: "You're ridiculous."
THEM: "YOU'RE ridiculous" (*smirk* trying to be all cute and flirty)
ME: "You confirm there's no future for our generation."
THEM: *silence*

There were more words shared, and more conformations of ignorance in our rising generation, and no it didn't exactly go down word for word like this, but it was pretty damn close.
Near the end of our class when it got a little awkward, I felt the need to apologize for being so agressive and mean about the conversation, but it was pretty much in vain.

ME: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be so rude about it, it's just that.. well.. you're.."
THEM: *silent glazed over stares*
ME: ".. I mean.. it's just.. you don't.."
MY FRIEND: "WHAT SHE'S SAYING IS THAT SHE'S SORRY YOU'RE SUCH DUMB ASSES."
ME: *uncontrollable laughter* *mumbles* "yeah that's exactly what I mean."

"it's not worth it," I told you.
"why would anyone sign up for a week of Hell? why would you?"

For the life of me I couldn't understand why any teenage boy would be willing to go through so much because of a girl he fancied in high school.

"because, I love you," he told me. 

I had no answer to that. We sat there on the cold marble bench where he held me in his arms. I was forcing myself to think that it wouldn't last, that next winter we wouldn't even be speaking, regardless of my father. But I knew that wouldn't be true. It was worth fighting for, but I just didn't want him too.

"I'm not going to give up on you.."

Is it better to hurt someone yourself, or watch someone else hurt them because of you? Isn't that kind of the same thing? I just want to be able to love someone completely. I finally find someone I'm willing to give myself to. Yet, I don't. Maybe it's cause I think we're too young. Maybe it's because I'm scared. I don't know. But I'm really starting to get sick of myself. 

"I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy."

Oh God, where are you now?

I've been out on that open road

you can be my fulltime daddy 

white and gold

singing blues has been getting old

you can be my full time baby
hot or cold

Don't break me down

I've been travelin' too long

I've been trying too hard

With one pretty song

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast

I am alone a midnight

Been tryin' hard not to get into trouble, but I

I've got a war in my mind

So, I just ride

Just ride, I just ride, I just ride

Dying young and I'm playing hard

That's the way my father made his life an art

Drink all day and we talk 'til dark

That's the way the road dogs do it, ride 'til dark.

Don't leave me now

Don't say good bye

Don't turn around

Leave me high and dry

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast

I am alone in the night

Been tryin' hard not to get in trouble, but I

I've got a war in my mind

I just ride

Just ride, I just ride, I just ride

I'm tired of feeling like I'm fucking crazy

I'm tired of driving 'till I see stars in my eyes

I look up to hear myself saying,

Baby, too much I strive, I just ride

I hear the birds on the summer breeze, I drive fast

I am alone in the night

Been tryin' hard not to get in trouble, but I

I've got a war in my mind

I just ride

Just ride, I just ride, I just ride

This week I had to do something rather unpleasant & I was sure that the consequence of it would be anything but pleasurable. But as life seems to always be stirring the big confusing pot of life & what not, I was surprised to find that things went rather well.. in a sense. But anyways, I said what I had too and got an answer I wasn't ready for.  Literally it scared me a little, and I wanted out, really bad, and more and more frequently I'm starting to realize that I have NO IDEA what I want. I have this image in my head where I can be independent and free and make my own decisions, and live in a small house, and drive an old car, and be a poor but happy student that's experiencing the world as she should. Working at little bookstores, and spending all my money on trips and clothes. And that some boy who really loves me will do it all with me, and not care about what we have or don't have because we'll be together and it won't matter. But as I'm starting to make my life changing decisions, I'm finding that I'm more than capable of doing these things, but I still seems to stop myself. Dead. In. My. Freaking. Tracks.
I don't know what it is. Maybe I started out too hard. Maybe it's not that big of a deal and I'm blowing it out of proportion. But I just couldn't stop thinking about what my life would be like if it really happened. If I really left as soon as I'm saying I will. If that boy actually came with me. If we literally "ran away" from this town and all it's self-conscience hipsters. What if we got married? With the tiny "secret garden" ceremony and everything. What if we had kids? His crazy blue eyes, and my tan skin. What if we moved to the west coast? Had lots of dogs? Ate food sitting indian style on the floor of our kitchen? Drove a Land Rover, wore tons of flannel, gave butterfly kisses, bleached our hair, went star gazing, lived off of dark chocolate covered blueberries, wrote journals, held hands, learned how to surf, rode bikes for miles, played with each other's hair, planted gardens, etc. It's ridiculous. And as soon as I realize I'm thinking this way, I immediately stop. "Seriously, settle down. there's no way."
And yet, I feel like there has to be. He has to be serious. The only problem is that I'm not. I see all these things happening, and I want them to all be real, but as soon as it seems as though one might be playing out, I bail. "Not yet." I'm thinking, "Maybe in a little while." When in reality I should be thinking," IT'S ABOUT TIME!!!" and "LET'S DO THIS THING!" But I'm not. I'm not ready. I'm not willing. And it's freaking annoying. I play out all these situations where I'm just gonna up and leave, but I know I could never really do it. I could never just go, and not look back. I could never just give myself to someone.  And then I wonder if I really even want it. If I even know how serious I am? The answer is always the same. Maybe. Perhaps. If the timing is right. Debatable. Damn it.

happy birthday, buddy

my little brother turned seven today.
 i wanted to make him a huge breakfast shaped in a smiling face or something tacky like that, but he doesn't eat regularly so it wasn't a very good idea.

the night before he was in my room going through my desk, picking out items and asking me if he could have them for his birthday. i was preoccupied with something else and just said yes to anything he held in the air with his tiny hands. he finished with a chain necklace full of leather patches and old necklace trinkets hanging around his neck. unfortunately this was the only thing i could give him.

the rest of the day he was gloomy and sad. there was no party planned for him. no presents waiting to be ripped open.
 just two messy chocolate cakes that he didn't touch.

it made me so sad to see him like that.
so thoroughly disappointed.

we had all reached that age in our family, the age where your birthday no longer held any value. and that maybe, if you were mature enough, two or three members of the family would join you to a restaurant dinner. but he was the youngest, and i thought that perhaps he would never have to endure this assurance of little self worth.

but this morning, i saw it creep up on him. the second he realized that he would wake alone in his room, instead of it being filled with family screaming happy birthday in his face and feeding him large amounts of food while placing presents all around his bed. i saw it when he came into my room and asked if he could have a hug. i saw it when he choose to go on a walk with my cousin's dogs instead of letting my mother give him a kiss. i saw this depressing realization come over his tiny child body, and no matter how many times i kissed or hugged him, or told him how much i loved him, or tried to put on his favorite cartoons, or give him lots of candy.. he knew. and it broke my heart.

for me, it was my eighth birthday, and i remember it perfectly. i woke up next to my mother and told her it was my birthday. she assured me that it was, and i asked her what we had planned for me. she turned to me and in all seriousness told me."nothing". then she turned back and fell asleep. i cried for 10 minutes that day, and then realized it would do no good; stopped; and didn't talk to my mother the rest of the day.

my brother hasn't cried today. just been really moody. and i can't blame him.

i'll never understand why my parents don't find birthday's important. or any big events for that matter. i can only pray that i love my children enough to make their birthdays special. i can only hope that i will never have to see them so sad. i can only prove to myself that i'm not my mother, and always assure my children that i love them.

it's not just whether or not you have presents, or a huge party, it's whether or not you can feel that someone loves you. and try as i might today, i'm still not sure if he knows that i do in fact, love him so much.

"kiss me hard before you go"

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