if i could have it back

I've felt very torn about too many things lately. When I'm alone I feel as though my skull is going to burst at the seems with everything piling up in my head.
-Too much isn't being said to people that need to hear it.
-In my head I'm moving past it.
-In my dreams I'm screaming.
At night I feel myself changing. I'm more passionate, more emotional, more cross. Last night I started crying when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. I think he thought I was upset with him. I didn't know how to tell him that I was grateful, that I adored him. I just felt a lump in my throat and I didn't know how to tell him that my sudden frustration had nothing to do with him, or our relationship.

-I'm so confused,  I thought we had put it behind us, but nothing seems to feel resolved.
I'm getting upset all the time. I want to be excited, I do. But I feel stupid. I feel wronged. I feel like people are going around with smiles plastered on whispering awful things underneath. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just know if I was being ridiculous, if I was blowing it out of proportion. But I can't shake it off.

-Was it really never that good?
-Was I that easy to be replaced?
-I feel it most nights
-I feel it every time I close my eyes

I thought I was being myself. I thought I was taking care of mine. They were mine. I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I thought I did something for them. But when we're all together I feel like shit. Suddenly guns and knives are being pulled out. Maybe it's confidence, maybe it's self worth- but maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's self loathing. I never feel safe around them anymore. I don't even have to be near them to feel that way. All of these juvenile things are being glamorized, and it feels like it's only to make me feel upset or uncomfortable.

-We were never like that.
-We never had to prove to anyone that we were having a good time, or that we loved each other.
-We already knew it in our hearts.
We knew that we were different, that we were special, and beautiful, and strong. We had were moments that only we were there for. Only we could share them with each other. Maybe through pictures, maybe through dresses or shoes, or songs but mainly through our selves, and our feelings. But now it feels like they're having new moments -which is inevitable and natural and good- but they have to throw them in my face.
All of them.
Everyday.
It's not private- well I'm sure some of it is- but it's in my face.

-I'm sure they've changed.
-I've changed.
-It's inevitable and natural and good.
If the relationships are fading and dying then so be it. But if we're just coasting by, pretending everything is good when it's not- then so help me, I can feel hell preparing to break loose. I don't like feeling hostile. I don't like feeding contention. I don't like what I'm feeling. But I think of them and I'm not happy anymore. I feel colder. I see them standing on the opposite shore. They're living their lives, I'm living mine, but I see walls going up. And I'm getting bored watching them go up, and I'm getting upset that I'm bored. I know they'll come down. But that's not very comforting either, because I feel like they'll come down and it'll turn out it mean't nothing at all.

 I guess I just don't understand. I don't know much of what's going on, but I know that I was a friend, and it wasn't enough. I didn't want or need it to be glamorized how it is now. But I at least just wanted to feel safe, and appreciated. I wanted to be supported. I thought I was able to give those things but I could have been wrong.
I just feel stupid all the time. And I feel way worse then I know I should.
-I feel abused.
-I feel tampered.
-I just want to be strong.
-I just want to be hard.

And the worst part of it all is I can't tell him all of this. I mean I try to, but it won't come out. Not properly anyways. Maybe he already knows, but I can't keep these awful feelings away from him. He sits there and lets me loose. He listens, he holds me -when I let him- he's the one that picks me up when it gets ugly. He's the one that see's all this shit now. The bi-polar, the random sobbing. He's the one that tells me I'm not broken. He's the one that forces it out of my system.
-But he hasn't hurt me.
-He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way.
-And still, he's the one at the end of the day, kissing my forehead, saying he's sorry.

It's not fair.
I hate them right now and I hate that he has to deal with it.
But I hate myself even more for hating them, and for putting him through that.

darcy

Did you know there are more nerve endings in your lips then there are in your genitals? I don't know if that's completely true. I read it in cosmopolitan. I kind of hope it is though because I just had the most wonderful goodnight make out with my boyfriend. I know how that sounds. I know that's annoying if you're single and reading this. But I just can't stop thinking about how grateful I am to have him. I'm not going to sit here and write about how he's the greatest boyfriend in the world, because 1: I've already done that, and 2: that's impossible. He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. I'm trying to keep from being that girl that only posts about her boyfriend, but seeing as this is my blog and anyone who reads this has the agency to not, I'm just going to go ahead and write it anyway. 

The only way I can feel to properly describe being with him is the final scene of Pride & Prejudice 2005. Not the American alternate ending- though I do feel as though that would depict the feeling as well..

It's surreal.

 The feeling is like nothing else. 

And it's every time I'm about to leave him and he leans in to kiss me. 

When I see him for the first time of the day, he might as well be wearing a trench coat walking through a fogged meadow. My heart is full and my palms get sweaty. I get excited, and anxious, I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face. I resist the urge to look way- all the while giving into the urge to stare at him. I won't deny it, I've done the whole, "your hands are cold." *kisses hands while staring into eyes lovingly* bit. And ladies is works like a charm, literally. Being that close to someone else's face. Wanting to be that close to someone else, because believe me, it's hard for me to get this close to someone let alone want to be that close to their FACE. 

It's surreal. 

He'll kiss me, so intensely, so perfectly. He'll lean his head softly against mine. He'll graze my lips with the tip of his thumb right before I feel his lips softly brush mine. He does the whole tuck my hair behind my ear, he does the whole hold my face in his hands. It's perfection. For a moment in time when we're together, nothing is impossible. Nothing is difficult, nothing is broken. For the moment that he has me in his arms, I am at complete peace with what is to come. And the moment I leave him, I start praying for the hours to go by swiftly until I get to see him again. 

He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. He's my Mr. Darcy. Every time I'm with him, my heart sings. I smile more, I laugh more, I believe in myself more. I'm not sure if that's what Darcy was for Elizabeth, but that's what my boyfriend is for me. The kiss with the sun in-between your faces, that's what my boyfriend is for me. He's the greatest person in the world, for me.

 I didn't know you could love someone so much. 

It's surreal.

Someone else is playing the guitar. And this morning I heard the harmonica playing hymns. I feel so stupid with an empty bass case. 

tender mercies

One of my new roommates is a piano major. I am so incredibly happy right now. She's playing in the living room and somehow it helps me feel okay with it being 1:49pm and me still being in bed. 

come away with me

The other night I felt like shit.

I can't remember why, maybe it was the money thing, or the family thing. 

I had a really high high, then I had a crazy low- so fast. 

Anyways- I felt like shit.

He called me and told me he was picking me up. 

He didn't ask- he told me. 

  I love it when he does that. 

  I know there's a fine line- and I can't imagine how confusing it would be to see it, but I love when he's forward and demanding like that. Don't get me wrong, I love how considerate and sensitive he is, always mindful of how I feel. But sometimes he has these moments of just heated demanding. I don't know why I like it so much, but I do. 

He comes to get me, we're driving around, and I can tell he feels like shit too. 

He's frustrated and I'm frustrated, our conversation is brief. 

Then he's asking me to go with him. 

Then he's headed to the freeway. 

All in a matter of 5 minutes or so of hearing my answer he starts heading North. 

It happened a couple days ago but I just started thinking about it again just now. 

I found it so interesting and comforting how that played out. 

Both of us were frustrated. 

Both of us were irritated from things that were independent from each other. 

And we both just gravitated towards each other. 

-I'm leaving and I want you to come away with me. 

-Okay let's go. Where ever you want. 

We talked about some of it, we were quiet for some of it. 

Most of the time we just held each other. 

Most of the time we just got as close as we possibly could. 

And that was enough. That was more than enough to help me do something the next day. 

When I felt like shit- I just wanted to be in his arms. 

When he felt like shit- he came to me too. 

I know I could be speaking out of turn. 

I could be assuming a lot. 

But that's exactly what it felt like. 

And for me personally that's a big deal. 

I like being alone, I like thinking to myself. 

But lately it's been awful. 

When I'm alone for too long, I don't reflect, I just get depressed. 

When things get hard, I'd get alone, and I'd get depressed. 

But now I go to him, it's hard & I'm stubborn as hell but I go to him. 

I'll go to him, and he'll come to me. 

1/15/15

I've never seen so many boys in kakis as when I'm at school
It so weird when you see a cute boy that you keep making eye contact with
But then you get up to go or he does, and that's it.

You never think twice about that cute kid on the 3rd floor of the library
Because an eye exchange means nothing.

Lately I've felt like I've been on holiday still.
I'm tired all the time.
I don't want to start my day 'til late afternoon.
I'm sleeping in a rented room
I feel like I have somewhere else to return to
I feel like someone's waiting for me somewhere else.

I wish I could go through life with my eyes closed.
I wish I didn't wish that.
I wish I'd stop missing someone I haven't met.

1/17/15

Do you ever think about why you know the people you know?

 -or how you know the people you know? 

Sometimes I see things that people do and I feel sick. 

I feel ashamed to walk on the ground. 

I feel ashamed to breath in the air. 

I feel ashamed to sleep at night. 

Other times, I look at my friends, at the people that I love, and I fear my heart is going to explode. 

I want to parade these people so the world can see them.

I want to make movies or write books or sing songs to broadcast their importance. 

I want to share them with others so that they might feel their radiance. 

I love people. We make mistakes, we continue to make mistakes, and we'll always stay that way.