Talents

Mastered the skill of crying without ruining my makeup. Never been more proud of myself. 

Through the Valley

Today I fought with my mother about something I can't remember, and I didn't go to school. Instead I ran up the canyon with my dog. It was misty, it had rained all night and the air was fresh. For the first time in a while, I felt myself at peace. I wasn't cold, or in any pain. There was music in my ears and smile on my face. For a moment I stopped and watch my dog observe the trail. She walked to both sides, smelled the brush. Smelled the air. Ran ahead, ran back. Looked at me for approval to move forward, then darted off again. 

I wondered what had changed, within myself that is. 

When had I stopped observing? 

When I had stopped smelling the air? 

Feeling the earth?

Being at peace?

Two nights ago I saw a boy I used to love. His presence affected me more than I had liked. And I was torn between allowing myself to be upset, or trying to ignore my feelings. In the end I had given the whole situation much more attention than it deserved. 

Someone once told me that you should never apologize for your feelings. Sometimes this mentality gets me into trouble, but sometimes it saves me. Lately though, I've been finding that, my feelings are not, bad, necessarily. But they're.. Nonexistent. And so a new idea formed into my head. 

"Should you apologize for not feeling..anything?" 

Today though, I think I got my answer. You're always feeling. Something. Regardless of how cold you've become, regardless of how distant you've made yourself. We are human. It's in our nature to feel. If only we could just register, and comprehend, what exactly it is we are feeling. Only then would we feel at peace, and remain in peace. Then would we see a piece of our past, and accept the progression. I don't mean to say, you have to be okay with whatever is happening. But just, recognize that perhaps you can't control it. And you don't need too.

 Sweetie in action. 

the cold

i'll never know what happened between us. it's such a crying shame. when i think about it for long enough, i can feel the lump in my throat again. it grows bigger and bigger, then sinks to my stomach. i curl my legs up and wrap my arms around them. i close my eyes. picture you laying next to me, like you used to. one of your arms goes around me, bringing me closer into you. the other, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear then traces my jaw line with the side of your thumb.
i don't understand. my eyes open and you're gone. i lay in a sad memory that i refuse to let go. i'm ashamed. i'm embarrassed. i'm broken. but you are too. but we don't see that. when we lock eyes through the crowded halls, it's hate. it's pain. i want to run to you, i want you hold you. to ask you about your day, to tell you that i've missed you. but you hold my gaze for another second, you seem almost regretful, then you walk away. it's different every time. but i've grown familiar to the unpredictable. and you become friends with the cold.
i know the solution. it's simple really. but you, are anything but. i used to know you. i used to hold you when you cried. i used to hear your heart ache. but now it seems that you barely have a pulse. it feels like i'm watching you die. watching you create more and more distance from others that had nothing to do with you and i. it hurts. knowing we weren't any different from the others. perhaps there never was any true love. perhaps you just played a role in my head, and not my heart. and perhaps, i was nothing more than a "thing" to you. but if that's the case, then why won't you leave my heart?

over it

you don't know how much it hurts. and you'll never know. because i'll never tell you. 

so instead i'm going to stop hurting. because either way you could care less. 

so i'll care less. 

i'm over it. 

*and suddenly, she was. runny mascara and all, she dried her tears*

the future

       yes it's sad.

and yes, you're gone now.

and yes i hate that i'll never be the same.

and yes, it's hard giving you up.

                                          but i'll find another.

and he'll love me more.

and he'll see me clearer.

and he'll never be gone.

               

the end.

we do this to ourselves.

why do we do this? we put on sad music, seclude ourselves from those who love us, and reminisce happy moments that we're sad are now gone.
for what purpose? to bring him crawling back to you? to convince him that you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to him? humans are so interesting. we can gain something and never truly appreciate it or give it it's proper recognition, but as soon as it's gone, we feel robbed. played. deprived of our innate rights. and with what as our justification? only the fact that,

"it doesn't feel right".

we're such a selfish, sad people. we're so pathetic. so insensitive. yes, he meant the world to me.  he still does.  a little bit. but that part of my life is over, for now. sitting here and wishing he would love me again, won't do me any good.
don't i want what's good? for myself? am i so selfish, i can't even recognize that fighting for him, is hurting me? what is it that makes us this way? what makes it not enough? to just love, yourself?

i'm trying really, really hard. i'm trying to put my faith in my older brother. but, it's much easier said than done. and though sometimes i just want to look at his picture, and try to remember what it was like when he'd touch me.. i stop myself..

no.

if it's meant to be, it will be. and if not, another will come- to love me more fiercely and sincerely than he did. it's just a matter of timing. this time next year, as scary as it is writing it out, i could be engaged. i could be halfway across the world. i could be looking up at the night sky tracing Orion with my finger with another boy, on another land.

i don't know what the future has to bring, but i know that whatever it is, it will come. and even if that's all i have to hang on to right now, at least i have that. the decency to recognize that it's hard, and it will be hard, but it won't last forever.
so i'm not going to waste this year. i'm not going to watch him, with disdain. rather, with gratitude. gratitude for what he taught me. and with that, i'll leave him. and choose to be happy about it. and hard as it might be, i won't look back. not this time. as much as i would love too.

Sometimes, I still need you.

today will be the last day that I cry for you.