the cold

i'll never know what happened between us. it's such a crying shame. when i think about it for long enough, i can feel the lump in my throat again. it grows bigger and bigger, then sinks to my stomach. i curl my legs up and wrap my arms around them. i close my eyes. picture you laying next to me, like you used to. one of your arms goes around me, bringing me closer into you. the other, tucks a strand of hair behind my ear then traces my jaw line with the side of your thumb.
i don't understand. my eyes open and you're gone. i lay in a sad memory that i refuse to let go. i'm ashamed. i'm embarrassed. i'm broken. but you are too. but we don't see that. when we lock eyes through the crowded halls, it's hate. it's pain. i want to run to you, i want you hold you. to ask you about your day, to tell you that i've missed you. but you hold my gaze for another second, you seem almost regretful, then you walk away. it's different every time. but i've grown familiar to the unpredictable. and you become friends with the cold.
i know the solution. it's simple really. but you, are anything but. i used to know you. i used to hold you when you cried. i used to hear your heart ache. but now it seems that you barely have a pulse. it feels like i'm watching you die. watching you create more and more distance from others that had nothing to do with you and i. it hurts. knowing we weren't any different from the others. perhaps there never was any true love. perhaps you just played a role in my head, and not my heart. and perhaps, i was nothing more than a "thing" to you. but if that's the case, then why won't you leave my heart?

over it

you don't know how much it hurts. and you'll never know. because i'll never tell you. 

so instead i'm going to stop hurting. because either way you could care less. 

so i'll care less. 

i'm over it. 

*and suddenly, she was. runny mascara and all, she dried her tears*

the future

       yes it's sad.

and yes, you're gone now.

and yes i hate that i'll never be the same.

and yes, it's hard giving you up.

                                          but i'll find another.

and he'll love me more.

and he'll see me clearer.

and he'll never be gone.

               

the end.

we do this to ourselves.

why do we do this? we put on sad music, seclude ourselves from those who love us, and reminisce happy moments that we're sad are now gone.
for what purpose? to bring him crawling back to you? to convince him that you're the greatest thing that's ever happened to him? humans are so interesting. we can gain something and never truly appreciate it or give it it's proper recognition, but as soon as it's gone, we feel robbed. played. deprived of our innate rights. and with what as our justification? only the fact that,

"it doesn't feel right".

we're such a selfish, sad people. we're so pathetic. so insensitive. yes, he meant the world to me.  he still does.  a little bit. but that part of my life is over, for now. sitting here and wishing he would love me again, won't do me any good.
don't i want what's good? for myself? am i so selfish, i can't even recognize that fighting for him, is hurting me? what is it that makes us this way? what makes it not enough? to just love, yourself?

i'm trying really, really hard. i'm trying to put my faith in my older brother. but, it's much easier said than done. and though sometimes i just want to look at his picture, and try to remember what it was like when he'd touch me.. i stop myself..

no.

if it's meant to be, it will be. and if not, another will come- to love me more fiercely and sincerely than he did. it's just a matter of timing. this time next year, as scary as it is writing it out, i could be engaged. i could be halfway across the world. i could be looking up at the night sky tracing Orion with my finger with another boy, on another land.

i don't know what the future has to bring, but i know that whatever it is, it will come. and even if that's all i have to hang on to right now, at least i have that. the decency to recognize that it's hard, and it will be hard, but it won't last forever.
so i'm not going to waste this year. i'm not going to watch him, with disdain. rather, with gratitude. gratitude for what he taught me. and with that, i'll leave him. and choose to be happy about it. and hard as it might be, i won't look back. not this time. as much as i would love too.

Sometimes, I still need you.

today will be the last day that I cry for you.

"You can't make promises. Unless it's a promise that is fulfilled in that very moment. Because every moment after that is going to change. And nothing will ever be the same. So how can you promise? How can you make a promise and be so sure? You can't. You can hope for it. But everything is always changing. Nothing will ever be the same. You cannot relive the past or the present. Promises cannot be kept. Because the future cannot be promised." -hmy 

waiting for you

i wish with all my heart that i could know who was going to love me for the rest of my life. 

i wish so badly that i could see him and feel in my bones his value to my soul. 

i wish i could hold him, whoever he is, and love him for the rest of forever.

i wish there was solace in knowing who he is, or where he was. 

i wish. more than anything.

 that i could see him. 

that he could hold me. 

and that it would be enough.