I had a terrible dream last night- I don't even want to try and write it down because I don't want to remember it ever again.
I woke up this morning feeling the tiniest bit of sand at my feet. I spread out on the huge white bed and heard his breathing in the loft above me.
I can't believe I'm here.
Last night when we arrived everyone was tired and hungry- moods were going. But I could not for the life of me contain my excitement to see the sea again. After we ate I changed into my suit and dress and we went out to the shore line. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to dig my toes into the sand. My heart was bursting. I ran into the water as soon as I deemed appropriate throwing my body at the waves. I fell hard multiple times but the sting of salt on pink flesh only seemed more inviting. He came in after me, freezing and uncomfortable, he came in and grabbed my arm. I tried to pull him down into the cool water but he was too strong. He rose me up and kissed me hard. Salt and sand binding our lips together. That moment I think I'll remember forever.
It felt like a movie- but better. I was getting pushed by the waves, he was freezing, we were struggling to stay still but we managed a kiss. It tasted like a pillar of salt crashing down on me, and behind the pillar his lips. Gah- I couldn't believe it was happening. I don't like cliche saying or moments, but as soon as my lips left his I thought immediately,
" In this moment, I swear, we are infinite."
And we were. Standing there beside him, waves crashing against out legs, suits pressed tight & wet against our bodies. We found each other in the dark, we held each other so tight. Salt water made us sticky but that only helped us stay closer. Gah- that moment I think I'll remember forever.
After we walked to the pier to meet his family. I've never been happier than when I'm with them. Then when I'm with him, then when I'm at the sea. My heart was full- and still is now. I never want it to end. But when it does I'll remember it with such love.
also I can't wait to go to the zoo tomorrow.
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Thursday, May 7, 2015
neon
A vial of hope and a vial of pain
In the light they both looked the same
Poured them out on into the world
On every boy and every girl
It's in the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right
Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
What I know is what you know is right
In the city it's the only light
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right
Oh God! Well look at you now!
Oh! You lost it, but you don't know how!
In the light of a golden calf
Oh God! I had to laugh!
Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
It was wrong but you said it was right
In the future I will read at night
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is true
In the light they both looked the same
Poured them out on into the world
On every boy and every girl
It's in the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right
Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
What I know is what you know is right
In the city it's the only light
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right
Oh God! Well look at you now!
Oh! You lost it, but you don't know how!
In the light of a golden calf
Oh God! I had to laugh!
Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
It was wrong but you said it was right
In the future I will read at night
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is true
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
if i could have it back
I've felt very torn about too many things lately. When I'm alone I feel as though my skull is going to burst at the seems with everything piling up in my head.
-Too much isn't being said to people that need to hear it.
-In my head I'm moving past it.
-In my dreams I'm screaming.
At night I feel myself changing. I'm more passionate, more emotional, more cross. Last night I started crying when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. I think he thought I was upset with him. I didn't know how to tell him that I was grateful, that I adored him. I just felt a lump in my throat and I didn't know how to tell him that my sudden frustration had nothing to do with him, or our relationship.
-I'm so confused, I thought we had put it behind us, but nothing seems to feel resolved.
I'm getting upset all the time. I want to be excited, I do. But I feel stupid. I feel wronged. I feel like people are going around with smiles plastered on whispering awful things underneath. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just know if I was being ridiculous, if I was blowing it out of proportion. But I can't shake it off.
-Was it really never that good?
-Was I that easy to be replaced?
-I feel it most nights
-I feel it every time I close my eyes
I thought I was being myself. I thought I was taking care of mine. They were mine. I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I thought I did something for them. But when we're all together I feel like shit. Suddenly guns and knives are being pulled out. Maybe it's confidence, maybe it's self worth- but maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's self loathing. I never feel safe around them anymore. I don't even have to be near them to feel that way. All of these juvenile things are being glamorized, and it feels like it's only to make me feel upset or uncomfortable.
-We were never like that.
-We never had to prove to anyone that we were having a good time, or that we loved each other.
-We already knew it in our hearts.
We knew that we were different, that we were special, and beautiful, and strong. We had were moments that only we were there for. Only we could share them with each other. Maybe through pictures, maybe through dresses or shoes, or songs but mainly through our selves, and our feelings. But now it feels like they're having new moments -which is inevitable and natural and good- but they have to throw them in my face.
All of them.
Everyday.
It's not private- well I'm sure some of it is- but it's in my face.
-I'm sure they've changed.
-I've changed.
-It's inevitable and natural and good.
If the relationships are fading and dying then so be it. But if we're just coasting by, pretending everything is good when it's not- then so help me, I can feel hell preparing to break loose. I don't like feeling hostile. I don't like feeding contention. I don't like what I'm feeling. But I think of them and I'm not happy anymore. I feel colder. I see them standing on the opposite shore. They're living their lives, I'm living mine, but I see walls going up. And I'm getting bored watching them go up, and I'm getting upset that I'm bored. I know they'll come down. But that's not very comforting either, because I feel like they'll come down and it'll turn out it mean't nothing at all.
I guess I just don't understand. I don't know much of what's going on, but I know that I was a friend, and it wasn't enough. I didn't want or need it to be glamorized how it is now. But I at least just wanted to feel safe, and appreciated. I wanted to be supported. I thought I was able to give those things but I could have been wrong.
I just feel stupid all the time. And I feel way worse then I know I should.
-I feel abused.
-I feel tampered.
-I just want to be strong.
-I just want to be hard.
And the worst part of it all is I can't tell him all of this. I mean I try to, but it won't come out. Not properly anyways. Maybe he already knows, but I can't keep these awful feelings away from him. He sits there and lets me loose. He listens, he holds me -when I let him- he's the one that picks me up when it gets ugly. He's the one that see's all this shit now. The bi-polar, the random sobbing. He's the one that tells me I'm not broken. He's the one that forces it out of my system.
-But he hasn't hurt me.
-He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way.
-And still, he's the one at the end of the day, kissing my forehead, saying he's sorry.
It's not fair.
I hate them right now and I hate that he has to deal with it.
But I hate myself even more for hating them, and for putting him through that.
-Too much isn't being said to people that need to hear it.
-In my head I'm moving past it.
-In my dreams I'm screaming.
At night I feel myself changing. I'm more passionate, more emotional, more cross. Last night I started crying when he told me all the reasons why he loved me. I think he thought I was upset with him. I didn't know how to tell him that I was grateful, that I adored him. I just felt a lump in my throat and I didn't know how to tell him that my sudden frustration had nothing to do with him, or our relationship.
-I'm so confused, I thought we had put it behind us, but nothing seems to feel resolved.
I'm getting upset all the time. I want to be excited, I do. But I feel stupid. I feel wronged. I feel like people are going around with smiles plastered on whispering awful things underneath. I hate this feeling. I wish I could just know if I was being ridiculous, if I was blowing it out of proportion. But I can't shake it off.
-Was it really never that good?
-Was I that easy to be replaced?
-I feel it most nights
-I feel it every time I close my eyes
I thought I was being myself. I thought I was taking care of mine. They were mine. I thought it wouldn't make that much of a difference. I thought I did something for them. But when we're all together I feel like shit. Suddenly guns and knives are being pulled out. Maybe it's confidence, maybe it's self worth- but maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's self loathing. I never feel safe around them anymore. I don't even have to be near them to feel that way. All of these juvenile things are being glamorized, and it feels like it's only to make me feel upset or uncomfortable.
-We were never like that.
-We never had to prove to anyone that we were having a good time, or that we loved each other.
-We already knew it in our hearts.
We knew that we were different, that we were special, and beautiful, and strong. We had were moments that only we were there for. Only we could share them with each other. Maybe through pictures, maybe through dresses or shoes, or songs but mainly through our selves, and our feelings. But now it feels like they're having new moments -which is inevitable and natural and good- but they have to throw them in my face.
All of them.
Everyday.
It's not private- well I'm sure some of it is- but it's in my face.
-I'm sure they've changed.
-I've changed.
-It's inevitable and natural and good.
If the relationships are fading and dying then so be it. But if we're just coasting by, pretending everything is good when it's not- then so help me, I can feel hell preparing to break loose. I don't like feeling hostile. I don't like feeding contention. I don't like what I'm feeling. But I think of them and I'm not happy anymore. I feel colder. I see them standing on the opposite shore. They're living their lives, I'm living mine, but I see walls going up. And I'm getting bored watching them go up, and I'm getting upset that I'm bored. I know they'll come down. But that's not very comforting either, because I feel like they'll come down and it'll turn out it mean't nothing at all.
I guess I just don't understand. I don't know much of what's going on, but I know that I was a friend, and it wasn't enough. I didn't want or need it to be glamorized how it is now. But I at least just wanted to feel safe, and appreciated. I wanted to be supported. I thought I was able to give those things but I could have been wrong.
I just feel stupid all the time. And I feel way worse then I know I should.
-I feel abused.
-I feel tampered.
-I just want to be strong.
-I just want to be hard.
And the worst part of it all is I can't tell him all of this. I mean I try to, but it won't come out. Not properly anyways. Maybe he already knows, but I can't keep these awful feelings away from him. He sits there and lets me loose. He listens, he holds me -when I let him- he's the one that picks me up when it gets ugly. He's the one that see's all this shit now. The bi-polar, the random sobbing. He's the one that tells me I'm not broken. He's the one that forces it out of my system.
-But he hasn't hurt me.
-He hasn't done anything to make me feel this way.
-And still, he's the one at the end of the day, kissing my forehead, saying he's sorry.
It's not fair.
I hate them right now and I hate that he has to deal with it.
But I hate myself even more for hating them, and for putting him through that.
Friday, May 1, 2015
darcy
Did you know there are more nerve endings in your lips then there are in your genitals? I don't know if that's completely true. I read it in cosmopolitan. I kind of hope it is though because I just had the most wonderful goodnight make out with my boyfriend. I know how that sounds. I know that's annoying if you're single and reading this. But I just can't stop thinking about how grateful I am to have him. I'm not going to sit here and write about how he's the greatest boyfriend in the world, because 1: I've already done that, and 2: that's impossible. He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. I'm trying to keep from being that girl that only posts about her boyfriend, but seeing as this is my blog and anyone who reads this has the agency to not, I'm just going to go ahead and write it anyway.
The only way I can feel to properly describe being with him is the final scene of Pride & Prejudice 2005. Not the American alternate ending- though I do feel as though that would depict the feeling as well..
It's surreal.
The feeling is like nothing else.
And it's every time I'm about to leave him and he leans in to kiss me.
When I see him for the first time of the day, he might as well be wearing a trench coat walking through a fogged meadow. My heart is full and my palms get sweaty. I get excited, and anxious, I can't stop the smile from spreading across my face. I resist the urge to look way- all the while giving into the urge to stare at him. I won't deny it, I've done the whole, "your hands are cold." *kisses hands while staring into eyes lovingly* bit. And ladies is works like a charm, literally. Being that close to someone else's face. Wanting to be that close to someone else, because believe me, it's hard for me to get this close to someone let alone want to be that close to their FACE.
It's surreal.
He'll kiss me, so intensely, so perfectly. He'll lean his head softly against mine. He'll graze my lips with the tip of his thumb right before I feel his lips softly brush mine. He does the whole tuck my hair behind my ear, he does the whole hold my face in his hands. It's perfection. For a moment in time when we're together, nothing is impossible. Nothing is difficult, nothing is broken. For the moment that he has me in his arms, I am at complete peace with what is to come. And the moment I leave him, I start praying for the hours to go by swiftly until I get to see him again.
He's not the greatest boyfriend in the world, there's no such thing. But he's the greatest person in the world for me. He's my Mr. Darcy. Every time I'm with him, my heart sings. I smile more, I laugh more, I believe in myself more. I'm not sure if that's what Darcy was for Elizabeth, but that's what my boyfriend is for me. The kiss with the sun in-between your faces, that's what my boyfriend is for me. He's the greatest person in the world, for me.
I didn't know you could love someone so much.
It's surreal.
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