LUCKY ONES

No, no, no.

NO. You weren't supposed to do that. You weren't supposed to hurt me. You weren't supposed to hangout there, talk to them, be like that. I'm that psycho now. I'm the one who's wrong. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that it hurt. That you hurt.. me.

I thought we'd gone over this. I thought we'd said our peace. I thought you knew better. Perhaps I'm being selfish to think that we should be good to each other. That I took care of you, so you can take care of me right? Apparently not. But it's not okay if someone else takes care of me. If someone else plays your role better than you. Suddenly I'm doing something wrong, suddenly I've crossed a line.

I'm not weak, I can do hard things, but that doesn't mean I have to endure this forever. It was bad before you came, and it seems as though it's only gotten worse now that you're here. Don't treat me like this, don't put me on the shelf, don't stop making an effort.

It seems as though you get to be more human than I; at least that's how it feels. You're going through things, you're hurting a lot. You need your escape. But when I feel pain, when I need help, when I'd like to escape, you walk away. I'm making an effort, you know that. But you refuse to make one too. I don't know what I'm supposed to do now. I don't know how I'm supposed to help. I don't know if you even want me anymore..

This is ridiculous, even writing this down. It shouldn't be this easy to be upset at you. The words shouldn't come so freely. I'm tired of being silent though. I'm tired of giving in. And you knew that, you knew how I felt, about everything, and you still pushed it. I don't want to be that girl, to throw things in your face and tell you that I've overcome my shit. But today I will. I wanted to quit, God knows I wanted to quit. But I didn't. This stupid idea of being someone, was greater. Being someone who kids like us would go to for help. Being someone who looked like she always had her marbles in place. That was stronger than wanting to smoke with that hot kid. Stronger than feeling the need to be touched again. Stronger than wanting to be deep in the ground where I could finally sleep.

But I see now that all of that means nothing to you. You say one thing and you'll do another. I don't know how to keep you separate from the others that we both know have hurt us so much. It's meshing together now. It's getting super blurry. Perhaps this is the foreshadowing of a relationship that needs to go on hold. Perhaps the distance that is being anticipated will be our wakeup call. You'll realize that you never really moved on, and I'll realize that I didn't really want to.

It's strange writing something like this; and feeling a truth behind the words that lingered on my tongue for so long. I don't feel like your friend, I haven't felt like your friend in a long time. Perhaps it was when I was walking behind you and your boy leaving the concert you wanted to go to on my birthday. Perhaps it was sitting on the floor looking up at you and your friends completely content with the fact that I wasn't involved, or included. Or perhaps it was when you were far away, and you asked to speak to me, but the only chances you had to do so were spent on your boy.

I could have very well been that same kind of friend to you. In fact I'm positively sure I was. But I know I never stopped making an effort to keep you. Even now, when things are completely different, I'm trying my best to resist the urge. Yet, all I see you doing is giving up on us. On me. Ha, listen to me write, as if this is a matrimony.. If it was, it'd be toxic one. If it was, to be completely honest.. I'd leave you. Still writing that down I know it's not true, but it feels good to write it sometimes. Isn't that horrible? I'm trying so hard to hold on to you, but all I see is you pushing me away. I'm trying to keep the tower from falling, trying to convince you that it's worth it, this height that we've reached; that we're worth it. But all I see is you tearing out the pieces from underneath us. With an occasional side of hostility thrown in my direction.

I don't know what's going on. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what you need me to be, but I do know that in the future, sometime soon, I won't be able to be there. And I don't know what that's going to mean to you; if it'll mean anything to you. I'm going places though, places we both know you can't come with me to. And I'm curious if you're going to be like the others and try to keep me from going there, or if you'll pretend to forget completely that I'm even going.

We'll always have the Winter, we'll always have those songs, those feelings that only you and I felt, but we won't always have each other. In fact I already feel as though you made sure of that. I know it sounds like I'm saying goodbye -to who or what in particular I'm not sure- I'm not saying it now though, at least not yet. That would be too easy. And you and I aren't good at easy. I'll never stop loving you, you know that. You'll always hold a place in my heart. But right now, there's too much pain. There's too much conflict. Too much lack of trust, or communication.

I'm completely different. You're completely different, therefore we cannot be the same together as we once were. I don't know what the future will bring. I don't know if we'll have more distance. But I know I'm confused. And I need to take care of myself right now. Hopefully you'll be able to understand that, if not there's nothing I can do. I just hope that after the storm, you know that I'll be looking for you, even if you're not looking for me.