I wonder how they feel.. I wonder what they're thinking.. I wonder if it's easier, if it's simpler, if it's better. I wonder if they think about me. If they're wondering if I'm safe.
Last night my friend and I slept in a parking lot with sleeping bags. We talked into the night, sharing our fears, our hopes. I think people think it's fun. They think it's cool, or funny, or whatever. Sometimes it is, to be honest. But sometimes I let myself think a little too much about it and it comes again, the numbness. I wake up in the morning, not knowing if I'm going going to be able to shower. Not knowing where I'm going to sleep. Not knowing if I'll be found. Sometimes it's a good feeling, to not know. Other times it scares me. I've been with my friend everyday for a week now. I'm not tired of her, I hope she's not tired of me.
Sometimes I watch her do something and think, she doesn't have to do this. She didn't have to take me in. She didn't have to help me. I went to a different friend when it started, and then suddenly the roles changed. I asked her for a ride maybe, or she asked me to lunch, and then we just stayed together.
I sit back a reflect on the things we've experienced. I think about all the things that could have gone differently. How many problems could have been avoided, or ignored. I don't know I ended up here, on the campus, with this hair, with my problems. I don't know how I'm going to act or be when I return to this same place in the fall.
I don't know where my relationship will be with my parents. I don't know if I'll see my Sweetie girl again. I don't know if I'll be able to call her and not be afraid. I don't know if I'll cry when my friend moves to a different city. I don't know, I don't know anything.
But I think I know, at least I hope, that it'll be fine. I hope that I'm not making a mistake by running. I hope someday I get to go home and feel welcome. I hope that Sweetie will sleep with me every night and not fear that the approaching footsteps are going to take her away. I hope that I'll call her and she'll be happy, really, truly, happy. And I hope that I remember that this good bye is temporal.
I love my family. I don't want anyone to think different. I just need to love myself right now. I know I'm not crazy. I know that I'll be okay. And even if I was crazy, I'd be okay. It's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay. I'll be okay. It's okay.
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