man

I haven't written on this in almost over a year.
So much has happened.
I got engaged.
I got married.
I moved to Texas.
I'm trying to get pregnant.

In many ways I feel like my life has become so simple, and for that I'm so incredibly grateful for.
There's a man sleeping in the other room.
His head gets sweaty when he's tired.
He likes to steal my red baseball cap even though he has a perfectly good blue one.
He leaves his clothes in the middle of the closet when he changes into pajamas.

My husband is sleeping in the other room.
We have extremely different sleep schedules.
We don't eat breakfast.
We exercise intentionally once a month.
We would rather spend our last hundred dollars on dinner and a movie over getting groceries.

Sometimes when he's gone at work, I'll go hours without speaking a word.
My mind will wander about random things.
In a way I'm grateful for these hours of silence.
A few weeks ago though, I thought I would go crazy.
I had gone a week without stepping foot outside our 700 square foot apartment.
But I got over it.

Eventually I'll get a job, socialize, etc.
But right now, more than anything I want to take advantage of my time with him.
I know it's probably naive, but I don't want to waste a minute I don't have to.
To be home, every time he walks through the door is something I'm grateful for.
Long hot showers together serve as an escape, from his work, and my silence.

I can't believe this is my life now.
It's so easy to wake up, and fall asleep, laughing.
I'm falling in love again everyday.
And it's the greatest feeling in the world.
To be honest, to be vulnerable.
And to be loved.

I hate religion right now.
I hate God.
I hate trust.
I hate love.
I hate everything that's supposed to be good.

I hate being dependent.
I hate being weak.
I hate being a part of something.
I hate wanting to stop when running away.

I don't want to forgive people. I don't want to move on. I can't fucking do it.
That girl was a bitch. And I can't ever move on because I know exactly how I felt when she did something bitchy and if I ever think about it the same exact shitty feeling comes back. So as long as I feel the feeling- I can't move past it.

Same with that bitch of a girl and boy. Fuck them. I know I can choose and make my own decisions and I allow myself to feel these ways- but fuck them. I would never feel these things on my own, I know it. I would never hate someone so much on my own. Not without comparing them to those two original mother fuckers. I fucking hate what they did to me. I don't care what lesson I "learned". I hate people now. And that's my decision. That's what I've decided. They all hurt you. They all pick someone else. They all get tired and leave.

I hate these dark spells.
I hate when I let myself feel.
I hate being with people.
I hate pretending I deserve more.

Crimson Bitch

Wednesday I got my period. I don't think any one especially likes that time of the the month. I feel like I used to be super good and chill about it but lately it's just been a total mess- I've been a total mess. I feel like it's gotten progressively worse and I'm seriously (not seriously) thinking about birth control. Anyways, Wednesday I got my period.

My boyfriend has always been incredible to me. He's always taken care of me from the start when I let him, and Wednesday wasn't any different. He had lots of other things on his plate that day and he still got to the store to call me and ask if I meant super or regular tampons and which chocolate candy he should bring me home. Literally I struck gold with this kid. I'm not allowed to ever forget it.

Anyways long story short he came into my room Wednesday night with pills, chocolate, starbursts, tampons, pads, water, the works while I was literally shoving my face into the mattress watching Gossip Girl (which for the record is crap but I can't seem to stop).
He gives me pills, put everything away, hands me a water bottle and literally force feeds me chocolate and the whole time I'm struggling to breathe normally because of how much pain I'm in. To be honest I just wanted to cry and watch Gossip Girl by myself but he stayed and cuddled with me. I was back and forth between crying hysterically or just punching the wall or not breathing at all it was like a bad deleted scene from The Shining.

 Anyways, He stays next to me through the whole thing. Tucking my hair behind my ear, kissing my cheek or just holding my head up.  I'm being insane and he's literally stoking my back telling me he loves me. I kept on thinking of how awful and long that night ahead of me was going to be until- I can't remember which one of us started it, but we basically started singing love songs to each other. He told me I needed a distraction from the pain (he was and will ALWAYS be right) so he started singing.

Some was our Beatles song that a friend of ours showed us. Lots of it was Louis Armstrong and Elle Fitzgerald. Some of it was Paul McCartney. We just laid in my bed. I'm disgusting, he's flawless. Our heads pressed together close, he's playing with my hair or stroking my face and we take turns singing to each other. Gah I've never been so close to someone like how I am with him. It's incredible. One moment I'm trying to bruise my knuckles and the next he's got me singing La Vie En Rose to him literally meaning every word I say as our eyes get all glassy and we stare intensely at each other. AND THEN I FELL ASLEEP IN HIS ARMS. Peacefully and willingly. I slept through the whole night. Granted I woke up pissed that he wasn't there but that's just my crimson river talking. Man I love my boyfriend. I love my best friend.

my pillow smells like him.

I get mad. Like furious. I didn't used to do that. I don't like it. I don't know myself.

5/24/15 Imperial Beach, California

I had a terrible dream last night- I don't even want to try and write it down because I don't want to remember it ever again.

I woke up this morning feeling the tiniest bit of sand at my feet. I spread out on the huge white bed and heard his breathing in the loft above me.

I can't believe I'm here.

Last night when we arrived everyone was tired and hungry- moods were going. But I could not for the life of me contain my excitement to see the sea again. After we ate I changed into my suit and dress and we went out to the shore line. I can't even begin to describe how good it felt to dig my toes into the sand. My heart was bursting. I ran into the water as soon as I deemed appropriate throwing my body at the waves. I fell hard multiple times but the sting of salt on pink flesh only seemed more inviting. He came in after me, freezing and uncomfortable, he came in and grabbed my arm. I tried to pull him down into the cool water but he was too strong. He rose me up and kissed me hard. Salt and sand binding our lips together. That moment I think I'll remember forever.

It felt like a movie- but better. I was getting pushed by the waves, he was freezing, we were struggling to stay still but we managed a kiss. It tasted like a pillar of salt crashing down on me, and behind the pillar his lips. Gah- I couldn't believe it was happening. I don't like cliche saying or moments, but as soon as my lips left his I thought immediately,
" In this moment, I swear, we are infinite."

And we were. Standing there beside him, waves crashing against out legs, suits pressed tight & wet against our bodies. We found each other in the dark, we held each other so tight. Salt water made us sticky but that only helped us stay closer. Gah- that moment I think I'll remember forever.

After we walked to the pier to meet his family. I've never been happier than when I'm with them. Then when I'm with him, then when I'm at the sea. My heart was full- and still is now. I never want it to end. But when it does I'll remember it with such love.

also I can't wait to go to the zoo tomorrow.

neon

A vial of hope and a vial of pain
In the light they both looked the same
Poured them out on into the world
On every boy and every girl

It's in the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right

Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
What I know is what you know is right
In the city it's the only light
It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is right

Oh God! Well look at you now!
Oh! You lost it, but you don't know how!
In the light of a golden calf
Oh God! I had to laugh!

Take the poison of your age
Don't lick your fingers when you turn the page
It was wrong but you said it was right
In the future I will read at night

It's the Neon Bible, the Neon Bible
Not much chance for survival
If the Neon Bible is true