Something really is wrong with me. And I don't know what it is.

I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I'd do anything not to be this way. I'd do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being "passive agressive." And to not have to take the medicine he gives me, which is too expensive for my dad. And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or be nostalgic about bad things.
I just wish that God or my parents or Sam or my sister or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.

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IT'S A NEW DAWN

IT'S A NEW DAY

IT'S A NEW LIFE

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AND I'M FEELING GOOD

I just can't seem to be content.
I look in the mirror everyday and I think, "who is this?"
Sometimes I feel pretty, and I stand there staring at myself, wishing people could see me like this.
But I spend the whole day inside. Closed away in a dark room. I'll cry out for people to come. To love me. To want to spend their evenings in my company. But I stay silent. I'll never ask them to come. I'm too ashamed. I'll never tell them that it bothers me, that I don't like it. But I expect them to be able to read my mind. I hate it.
I'm so tired of myself. I want to change everything. To be able to be someone completely different than the day before, and stay that way. But no. That's not how it works. People tell me it's simple. That I can be whoever I want to be. But they'll never understand.
"i'm stuck between my love and my culture."
I just want to feel okay being myself. I just want people to be able to see that I'm strong. That I'm fine. That I'm capable of being anything I want to be. But not yet. As soon as I can, I'll be gone. I'll be independent. I'll be far far from this place. Maybe I'll talk to some people still. Maybe I'll keep some connection to my old life. But that's all.